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Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.
by Shannon Lawrence

Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,

My wife and I have a problem. I find I’m unable to eat any fatty foods without becoming ill, while my wife needs fat to be able to digest her meals. We’ve seen multiple doctors who have all said no such ailments exist. Have you heard of anything like this? Is there anything we can do?

Jack Sprat

Dear “No Fat” Jack,

What’s the big deal? There are plenty of non-fat foods out there for you, and tons of fatty foods for your wife. Instead of obsessing over what you can’t eat, eat what you can and stop complaining.

The Wizard

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News


Who says money can buy everything? Affluent New Never resident, Mr.
Toad, was jailed last night for street racing on Grimm’s highway. The
thrill seeking Toad lost control of his motorcar and veered into the
carriage lane, colliding with a pumpkin shortly after midnight. A
bruised squash was the only injury reported and Mr. Toad posted bail
early this morning with the help of his good friend Mr. Badger.

“He’s not a bad lad,” said Badger. “He just loves a good thrill.”

Mr. Toad has checked himself into The Willows Rehab Center in an
attempt to change his thrill seeking ways and avoid anything more than
a fifteen-minute jail sentence.
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Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault

Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

New Never City Police arrested a young lady yesterday after an incident at the New Never City Zoo. The charge? Unlawful Sexual Contact. Eyewitnesses claim the young maiden was seen kissing random wildlife. When approached by police, she refused to drop her horny toady victim and was subsequently tased by officers. Other than a lipstick stain, the toad appeared unharmed after the attack.

Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition

Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition
by Shannon Lawrence

Several teens were hospitalized yesterday after partaking of the illegal, and often deadly, drug Fairy Dust. Witnesses say the youths climbed the infamous Humpty Dumpty Wall and yelled “We can fly, we can fly, we can fly” before leaping off, arms outstretched. The teens remain in critical condition at Fairy Tale General.
Fairy Dust is known for causing hallucinations and delusions of grandeur, and has become a large problem for New Never City’s police force. Sources say it comes out of Neverland, but there has not been a successful raid, to date, as the officers sent in never return. Odd notes have been received by family members, signed by the Wild Boyz, and stating that the officers are happier in Neverland.

A slight man dressed in all green is being sought for questioning as a person of interest, possibly the dealer who sold the youths the Fairy Dust. Our investigation turned up a prostitute who was dressed as a pirate and called herself Hook. “This whole situation is a ticking time bomb,” she stated. “You can practically hear the ticking. No, wait, really, do you hear that?”

If you have any information on Fairy Dust or local dealers, please contact the local police department.