Paw Found in Cheesy Doodles

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

The New Never City Health Department closed down The Three Blind Mice Tavern after a customer complained about finding a tiny white paw in his cheesy doodle platter. When asked about the incident, the head chef, Lefty, said, "What do you expect? I'm blind, you dolt."

The tavern is now under new management, but this reporter was unable to contact the chef at the newly renovated, Three Deaf Rats Tavern. The phone just rang and rang.

Fire at the Clock Plant, Midnight Believed to be the Cause

By j.a. kazimer
Arson New Never News


A fire overnight at the Clock Factory caused extensive damage, but no reports of lives lost. Well, with the exception of one, little mouse. Who witness, Hickory Dickory of the New Never City Dorks, said, ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, causing the friction blamed for starting the blaze.

Family members could not be reached for comment, as they are away attending a seminar for the blind.

Blind Mice Charity a Scam

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Police arrested three kittens today in connection with a scheme to defraud New Never City residents out of their hard earned cheddar. The kittens asked residents to donate to The Blind Mice Foundation, claiming they were in fact, blind mice, when in truth, the kittens had only lost their mittens and feared their mother's reaction to the news. The Blind Mice Foundation raised nearly seven pounds of cheese before today's arrests. When asked for comment, one kitten declared, 'See, I told them we should run.'

Local Animal Shelter Seeks Loving Homes. Adopter Beware!

By Ross D. Willard
Humanitarian & Pet Lover (Yew) New Never News


It’s getting close to Christmas, and, like every Christmas before, parents all over are asking themselves if this is the year to get their children that special gift that all children seem to want. A pet.

If you’re facing that decision, the local animal shelter on the corner of Never Road and Never Lane would like you to take a moment and consider swinging by and looking at their selection.

“A lot of people just don’t think about coming by here for a pet. They think that these animals are old, or used.” The manager of the shelter told us. “But there are a lot of advantages to picking up an animal here. For one thing, we’re a lot cheaper.”

That’s one point that even the local pet shops don’t contest. The twenty to fifty dollars that the animal shelter charges is less than a tenth of what local store owners insist on.

Not to mention, the animals at the shelter tend to be more grateful, at least, according to the ones we interviewed.

“Oh dear and holy Maker!” One booted cat howled at us as we passed by. “Get me out of here! I’ve already been in here for two days! If I’m not out by tomorrow, they’re going to kill me! They already took my balls! These people are Crazy!! I’ll do anything! Please! I’m begging you!”

More recently incarcerated residents were less vocal, but still clearly desperate.

“Let me start off by telling you, a lot of what they say about rats isn’t true,” insisted one of a trio of disabled mice. “I mean, they say we stink, right? Well, sure, the guys you meet who live in the sewers do: they live in the sewers! But us? We’re very clean. I mean, you know what they say about when you go blind all your other senses are enhanced, right? Well think about it! Would you go around stinking all day if you could smell yourself like that? Of course not!”

When asked about their second disability, their lack of tails, the three insisted that it was a misunderstanding at their last residence, and that they bear no ill will towards any human for what happened.