Thank you to all those who followed us the last two days. The New Never News will donate $50 to our charities.
Please consider adding to our donation with one of your own. It will make your fairy godmother happy, and you know how she can be...
We hope you have a happy and safe end to 2010, and a wonderful 2011!
Homeless People In Need Want You to Follow Us
Day 2 of our charity drive. End the new year with a smile.
On December 31st,the New Never News will donate $1 to charity for every person who follows our blog in the next two days.
Charities include: The Denver Rescue Mission & Almost Home Pet Adoption, and a charity of our readers choice.
Follow us, and we'll give these charities a dollar. Not a hard choice, but one that will make someone in needs day, or save a kitten/puppy/hamsters life. What's there to lose?
To follow, click on one of the links below:
http://networkedblogs.com/followblog.php?name=NNN
http://www.blogger.com/follow-blog.g?blogID=5562759640368863971
Unless You Follow The New Never News, a Kitten Will Die
Now that I have your attention...
On December 31st,the New Never News will donate $1 to charity for every person who follows our blog in the next two days.
Charities include: The Denver Rescue Mission & Almost Home Pet Adoption, and a charity of our readers' choice.
This is an easy way to send The New Never News into bankruptcy (again) while giving to those in need, human and animal alike. Simply follow this blog, and if you can, leave a comment about what charity you would like the New Never News to support.
To follow, click on one of the links below:
http://networkedblogs.com/followblog.php?name=NNN
http://www.blogger.com/follow-blog.g?blogID=5562759640368863971
Letter to the Editor ~ WTF?
Dear Editor:
As a longtime reader of The New Never News, I am concerned with the current trend of scandalous/sensationalized rumors all too often presented to the reading public as news. These stories are nothing more than gossip and innuendo.
~ Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Duh.
~ The Editor
As a longtime reader of The New Never News, I am concerned with the current trend of scandalous/sensationalized rumors all too often presented to the reading public as news. These stories are nothing more than gossip and innuendo.
~ Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Duh.
~ The Editor
Beast Dumps Beauty for Bridget
By j.a. kazimer
Dating New Never News
In a surprise move, longtime beau, Beast, has dumped his girlfriend of five years for a woman known only as Bridget. Sources close to the couple say the breakup was a longtime in coming.
The couple is best known for their elaborate breakups including a 2008 incident in which a teacup called Chip received several fractures. This latest breakup comes after FMZ reported Beauty's alleged affair with her Beauty & The Birkenstock co-star, Jack. The affair apparently stated after Jack saved Beauty from choking on a magic bean.
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 7!!!!!!!
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love said to me,
Hey, aren't you Jewish?
Oops!
No matter what your holiday affiliation,
Happy Holidays from the New Never News!
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 6
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Six Grumpy Orgasms (I just wasn't in the mood)
A dwarf named Dwarf Diddy Dogg (Diddy Dirty Money aka, Sean Puffy Combs, P Diddy, etc, don't get any ideas, I've copyrighted the name) with five golden teeth
Four killer bluebirds
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Six Grumpy Orgasms (I just wasn't in the mood)
A dwarf named Dwarf Diddy Dogg (Diddy Dirty Money aka, Sean Puffy Combs, P Diddy, etc, don't get any ideas, I've copyrighted the name) with five golden teeth
Four killer bluebirds
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 5
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A dwarf named Dwarf Diddy Dogg (Diddy Dirty Money aka, Sean Puffy Combs, P Diddy, etc, don't get any ideas, I've copyrighted the name) with five golden teeth
Four killer bluebirds
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
Anybody else sick of this song yet? It's like that one that never ends...
This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 4
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Four killer bluebirds (not to be mistaken with the unladen African Swallow)
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
Help! My true love is plotting to kill me. Do something!
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 3
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
As you can plainly see, my gifts are not getting any better. I'm thinking about finding a new true love...
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 2
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Twin tired dwarfs (Long day at the diamond mines)
And a midget in a pear tree
So now I have three more mouths to feed, mind you, they are small mouths, but still. What is my true love thinking? What about a nice hat for the holidays?
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 1
by j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A midget in a pear tree.
Some gift, right?
I'm not even sure how my true love got a dwarf to climb a pear tree.
And the Winner Is...
The winner of yesterday's holiday gift card giveaway is: Bridget Hawthorn
Since that's not you, we'd still like to give you something. Something not quite as cool, but still, it's free. Other than our well wishes that is.
We'd like to give you a e-copy of j.a. kazimer's short story collection, Stolen Kidneys, Dead Hookers & Other Nursery Crimes.
To download, simply go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32375- and download a copy using the coupon code - GP36V. The offer is valid until 12/25.
Thanks to all who commented.
We wish you and your make believe family a very happy holiday!
Since that's not you, we'd still like to give you something. Something not quite as cool, but still, it's free. Other than our well wishes that is.
We'd like to give you a e-copy of j.a. kazimer's short story collection, Stolen Kidneys, Dead Hookers & Other Nursery Crimes.
To download, simply go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32375- and download a copy using the coupon code - GP36V. The offer is valid until 12/25.
Thanks to all who commented.
We wish you and your make believe family a very happy holiday!
Holiday Giveaway
The New Never News would like to thank our readers this holiday season by giving away a $20 Amazon Gift Card. To win, simply leave a comment about your favorite fairytale on this post and we'll select one lucky (who are we kidding, semi-lucky at best) winner. Not only will you win the gift card, but we'll also write a story featuring you in your ideal fairytale.
Sounds great huh? Well, maybe not great. Good at least... Okay, not as bad as a lump of coal.
So post below and WIN!!!!!
The winner will be announced on December 17, 2010.
An Apply a Day Responsible For Childhood Obesity?
By j.a. kazimer
Health Beat New Never News
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Bullshit!
The New Never News has uncovered the truth behind the lies perpetuated by the Apple Growers of New Never City. An apple a day won't keep a doctor away. We tried it. And unlike poison gas, it does not keep anyone, let alone, medical professionals away.
Be On the Lookout For Two Fat Kids
By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News
Vandals Sought in Property Destruction Case
Local baking legend, Eve Ilwich, has put up a reward of five hundred dollars, or fifteen batches of her award winning gingersnaps for information leading to the capture of the two children responsible for consuming her patented, one of a kind, life size gingerbread house.
Miss Ilwich completed her famous house just last week and was storing it in a secret part of the woods in preparation for the grand unveiling this Friday. According to her affidavit, she snuck out to her secret spot, planning to do some touchups on the porch, only to find that a large portion of the house had been consumed by two interloping children. Both of the children were still on the premises when she arrived, and the baker made a citizen’s arrest, locking them up while awaiting the police.
Unfortunately, Eve made one slight miscalculation. “They ate right through the licorice bars and were off before I knew it!”
Due to her poor eyesight, Miss Ilwich was unable to come up with a usable description of the two. “They were fat. Really, really fat. I mean, come on, they ate like thirty pounds of gingerbread, and that isn’t even mentioning all the frosting and candy.”
Anyone with information on the two suspects should contact the police immediately. The police warn against approaching the suspects as, “anyone who can eat that much in one sitting probably wouldn’t hesitate to bite your head right off.”
Love On the Lily Pad! Another Royal Sex Scandal!
By Ross D. Willard
Royal Beatdown New Never News
If it’s not one thing, it’s two others. At least that’s the way it seems to be going for the royal family these days.
The latest in a long string of lawsuits comes from, of all places, the swamp. The plaintiff, a Mr. K. Frog, alleges that he was sitting on a log after supper, singing, something that he claims ‘aides in the digestion,’ when, out of nowhere, he was accosted by a young woman.
The young woman in question, who, due to her young age, will remain nameless, set about “trying her damnedest to stick her tongue down my throat. I mean, really! A human tongue in my mouth? Disgusting!”
While the royal family is denying the media access to the young woman in question, both their attorneys, and the royal ‘spin doctors’ are already on the case. Sadly, the legal department and the social media department seem to be working quite independently of one another. Leaks from those close to the family seem to be focused on discrediting the plaintiff, claiming that he led the young woman on, convincing her that he was a prince under some kind of spell.
Legal representation for the young woman, however, appear to be building a case for cross-species sexual confusion, a highly controversial diagnosis that has many up in arms, including Mr. K. Frog himself, who is involved in a cross-species relationship of his own.
“They’re not just trying to get that little bimbo off the hook,” Mr. Frog’s long time girlfriend said, when asked, “They’re trying to make us look like freaks!”
Rabbit Goes Missing, Rumors of Police Negligence
By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News
Famed businessman and advisor, Thomas ‘White’ Rabbit is officially missing as of 6:37pm last night. A long time employee of the Red Queen, Thomas is perhaps best known for his perpetual tardiness due to a schedule so ridiculously packed that, as the Red Queen herself admitted, ‘no three people could handle the workload I give him.’
Mr. Rabbit’s disappearance is made all the more disturbing by the fact that it might have been preventable. According to sources inside the local police department, Mr. Rabbit made several calls to them regarding a possible stalker.
When pressed on the issue, police insist that the reports were ignored due to an issue of credibility. “His description of the woman following him varied radically every time.” One officer, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained. “Sometimes she was just a normal girl, next thing you knew, she was ten feet tall, then only a few inches. And when we asked if anyone else had seen her, the only names he could give us were from an alcoholic door mouse, and from a crazy homeless guy who sells paper hats for money when he isn’t institutionalized.”
All excuses aside, one thing is clear, if Mr. Rabbit isn’t found, and soon, the police will be explaining themselves to a jury, while Mrs. Rabbit, and her eighteen crying children look on.
This Little Piggy On Hunger Strike
By j.a. kazimer
World New Never News
Following in the beloved leader Gandhi's thin footsteps, the second youngest This Little Piggy, who is best known for his fight against pork chop abuse, declared a hunger strike effective immediately. He has had none of the roast beef his older brother recently 'purchased' from a man with a magic bag of beans. And will not eat, he states, "Until Tibet is freed from 'something'".
Local Animal Shelter Seeks Loving Homes. Adopter Beware!
By Ross D. Willard
Humanitarian & Pet Lover (Yew) New Never News
It’s getting close to Christmas, and, like every Christmas before, parents all over are asking themselves if this is the year to get their children that special gift that all children seem to want. A pet.
If you’re facing that decision, the local animal shelter on the corner of Never Road and Never Lane would like you to take a moment and consider swinging by and looking at their selection.
“A lot of people just don’t think about coming by here for a pet. They think that these animals are old, or used.” The manager of the shelter told us. “But there are a lot of advantages to picking up an animal here. For one thing, we’re a lot cheaper.”
That’s one point that even the local pet shops don’t contest. The twenty to fifty dollars that the animal shelter charges is less than a tenth of what local store owners insist on.
Not to mention, the animals at the shelter tend to be more grateful, at least, according to the ones we interviewed.
“Oh dear and holy Maker!” One booted cat howled at us as we passed by. “Get me out of here! I’ve already been in here for two days! If I’m not out by tomorrow, they’re going to kill me! They already took my balls! These people are Crazy!! I’ll do anything! Please! I’m begging you!”
More recently incarcerated residents were less vocal, but still clearly desperate.
“Let me start off by telling you, a lot of what they say about rats isn’t true,” insisted one of a trio of disabled mice. “I mean, they say we stink, right? Well, sure, the guys you meet who live in the sewers do: they live in the sewers! But us? We’re very clean. I mean, you know what they say about when you go blind all your other senses are enhanced, right? Well think about it! Would you go around stinking all day if you could smell yourself like that? Of course not!”
When asked about their second disability, their lack of tails, the three insisted that it was a misunderstanding at their last residence, and that they bear no ill will towards any human for what happened.
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary Found Beaten to Death with a Garden Hoe
By j.a. kazimer
Understandable New Never News
Mary Mary, of the Cin City Quite Contrary family, was found beaten to death last night in her garden inside her family's compound just off the Fairy Strip.
Some suggest her murder was a garden gnome mob hit, while others believe her contrary demeanor is responsible. Either way, we now all know now what makes her famous garden grow - Blood and Brain Matter.
Nimble Takes Gold
By j.a. kazimer
Sports New Never News
Jack-of-all-trades, Jack B. Nimble recently took first place gold in the Winter Oddlympics in the 12 Centimeter Candlestick Jump. Eyewitnesses state, "He was nimble and quick, and then he jumped over the candlestick. It was amazing!"
City Council Meeting on Banning Brooms ~ Cinderella Shocked!
By Ross D. Willard
Local Politics New Never News
I know, I know, the meetings are long, boring, and they still haven’t fixed the air conditioner, but if you own a broomstick, you’re going to want to make it to the next townhall meeting.
Let’s face it, New Never City is growing, and as the city gets bigger, problems that never came up before are now normal. There was a time when a flying pig could do loop de loops through the center of town with a blindfold on and nobody would bat an eye, but times have changed, and the sky that was once clear as far as the eye could see is now perpetually filled with witches on the way to work, flying livestock, even the occasional flying car.
While the city isn’t ready to put up floating cones and traffic signals, the increasing number of mid-air collisions and close calls had attracted the attention of authorities, and the meeting this weekend is meant to lay the groundwork for the changes that need to come. So if you commute to work on a broom, cloud, or winged shoes, or if you know someone who does, don’t let your voice go unheard.
Courts Cow-Towing to Cuteness?
By Ross D. Willard
Court Reporter New Never News
The gavel has banged, and the verdict is in, but even with as the defendant was led away in cuffs, the victims were questioning the impartiality of the judge.
Goldie Locks was found guilty of criminal trespass, theft, and vandalism after a jury deliberation of less than five minutes. The evidence, according to one juror, who wished to remain unnamed, was, in a word, overwhelming. “They had fingerprints, video from the nanny-cam, hell, she was still sound asleep when the police showed up, they don’t get more open and closed that that!”
But despite the guilty verdict, the 17 year old offender is going to be spending less than a week in jail.
“Fifty hours of community service!” Pa Bear could be heard to shout. “I got more than that for public urination!”
Indeed, the sentence does seem remarkably light, especially considering the video, which showed young Goldie stumbling around throughout the house, and even vomiting into Baby Bears toy chest. And the question of why testimony from partygoers regarding Goldie’s alleged drug usage and alcohol binging were barred have not been answered.
Ma Bear has her theories, “I’ll tell you what happened: She shook her little butt and batted her little eyes and suddenly she was just a mischievous little girl. It’s speciesism, that’s what it is, plain and simple. If one of us came crashing through a human’s front door and started digging through your pantry and snuggling down in your bed, we’d be put down!”
The sentiment was echoed by many of the local forest animals. Others stressed the need to lock their doors up tight.
Georgie Porgie Arrested for Sexual Assault
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Long time New Never City resident, Georgie Porgie was arrested last night for sexual assault after he kissed a girl, made her cry, and then pulled down his pants and ran away when a group of boys came out to play.
Bail has been set at a puddin' and a pie.
Pig Out Deli Open for Business
By j.a. kazimer
Local Business New Never News
After the deaths of two brothers (Marketing Guru This Little Piggy and Agoraphobic This Little Piggy)in the last month, the middle This Little Piggy, who loves to eat roast beef, has opened his very own deli featuring none other than his secret family recipe for slow cooked roast pork.
Sadly, the 'Pig Out Deli' was closed after only a few hours due to shoddy construction after it toppled during a freak wind storm. When reached for comment, This Little Piggy Who Ate Roast Beef, said, "When it comes to your dreams, if you let the Three Little Pigs build it, a wolf will huff and puff until the whole things blows down."
Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.
Letter to the Editor II
Ever since the first entrepreneur realized he could make a quick buck betting on the first sport, ever since the first athlete discovered that the smallest edge could mean the difference between glory and shame, cheating has been a part of sports. Normally I keep my nose out of debates about what constitutes cheating, and whether one player or another is likely to be guilty, but recent events have boiled even my blood.
In a recent grudge match, a longtime favorite racer, Harrison the Hare, known for winning nine of the last ten quarter mile races, and seven of the last ten five mile races at old McDonalds farm and racetrack, lost, in a stunning upset, to Toliver the Turtle. Toliver, who has not simply lost every race he has ever been in, but has come in dead last, each and every time, claims that simple perseverance is the secret of his victory. Toliver’s refusal, however, to submit to a urine test has created some well deserves skepticism in the racing community.
Though the unofficial status of this race means that Toliver can not be forced to submit to any kind of test, it is the view of this reporter that the questionable nature of this race should render any bets made on it moot. Even if no money was involved, and it was just a bet between two reporters on who would have to wear a dress to the next office meeting.
Ross D. Willard
In a recent grudge match, a longtime favorite racer, Harrison the Hare, known for winning nine of the last ten quarter mile races, and seven of the last ten five mile races at old McDonalds farm and racetrack, lost, in a stunning upset, to Toliver the Turtle. Toliver, who has not simply lost every race he has ever been in, but has come in dead last, each and every time, claims that simple perseverance is the secret of his victory. Toliver’s refusal, however, to submit to a urine test has created some well deserves skepticism in the racing community.
Though the unofficial status of this race means that Toliver can not be forced to submit to any kind of test, it is the view of this reporter that the questionable nature of this race should render any bets made on it moot. Even if no money was involved, and it was just a bet between two reporters on who would have to wear a dress to the next office meeting.
Ross D. Willard
Black Plague Friday Deals
Crazy King Black Plague Deals
Because we're CRAZY
Probably from the syphilis...
Compund-W - For those unafraid to kiss a frog
$2.99 per wart
Electric Roast Beast Slicer - For those little piggy's who stay home
$75.99
Extra Glass Slippers with Stay-On Design - For princesses with commitment issues
$15.69
Dear Wicked Witch ~ Thanksgiving Tradition
Dear Wicked Witch:
What are some of your favorite Thanksgiving Day traditions? I prefer a nice green salad.
~ Thomas T. Turkey
Dear Dinner:
I like to celebrate this fine day with a nice ride on my broomstick followed by a typical Thanksgiving feast, and to top it off a nice, eye of newt pie. You're welcome to join me. Head over about seven a.m. Make sure to shower. In butter.
~ The Hungry & Wicked Witch
Success for Store South of the Seashore
By Ross D. Willard
Local Business Beat
Local Business Prospers
In South Samstan Street, several steps past the caterpillars smoke shack, and a few steps shy of the Silver Seahorse Saloon, you can see Sally Simon’s Seashell Shack.
Sometime ago, Sally Simon was a squatter on the corner of Sham and Shaker, surviving on day old sausages and soup from a sympathetic chef. But now? Now Sally sells seashells on the seashore. How? According to the sharp tounged Sally: “It sure as s--- wasn’t easy!”
Sally says she started selling seashells on accident.
“Well, I was sitting on the side of the street, sorting through a sack of sand that someone had set next to a street sign. I scooped up a section of the sand and let it sift through my fingers. Suddenly I found a small, but sweet looking seashell, just sitting there. I sit and I stare for some time, until a stoner I know, Sid Sodersabber, comes up, staring at the shiny thing and says, ‘hey, Sally, that’s a shiny seashell. My sister, Cindy Sodersabber, she’d so love a shiny seashell.’ And I say, ‘S---, Sid, I’ll sell you this seashell.’ And sure as s---, he shells out some cash.”
Some might say that Sally’s sailor-like, swearword filled vernacular still leave something to be sought after, but for all her steamy language, at her heart, Sally Simon is a sweet girl, and I, for one, sure support her selling seashells by the seashore. Sell those seashells, Sally, sell those seashells.
Dwarfs Arrested After Overnight Brawl
By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News
After a violent brawl in Greenwitch Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and the short battle soon ensued.
Doc, Dopey and Sneezey White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness.
Lost Boys Kidnapping Solved
By Ross D. Willard
Fairy Beat New Never News
It’s been the defining work of his career, but finally, Police Captain James Hook has made good on his promise to solve the mysterious ‘Lost Boys’ kidnappings.
The bust occurred late last night, after one of the captain’s undercover officers spotted a suspicious looking figure loitering outside the home of one Wendy Moira Angela Darling. Ms. Darling, who had a brief but ‘creepy’ run in with a mysterious man who called himself ‘Petey’ several months ago. After reporting the incident, Ms. Darling was put under police surveillance.
According the press conference given by Captain Hook after the capture of his prime suspect, the kidnappings perpetrated by ‘Petey’ Panningfield have spanned the better part of two decades. A schizophrenic with severe detachment disorder, ‘Petey’ developed a loathing for adulthood and dedicated his life to ‘saving’ children from the ‘trauma’ of growing up. Guided by the voices in his head to seek out the ‘good’ children, Mr. Panningfield struck without rhyme or reason, which made him all the more difficult to catch. The police have, so far, found half a dozen of the ‘lost boys’ stored on Mr. Panningfield’s property. Police are still searching his property.
While ‘Petey’ is now safely removed from society, Captain Hook warned the community that the fight is not yet over. In the course of his crimes, and in order to make money to support himself, ‘Petey’ used and sold a designer drug known, in street slang, as ‘pixie dustings.’ The source of these highly addictive drugs, a chemist known only as ‘Tinkerbell’ remains at large.
Rapunzel Busted for Possession of Fairy Dust
By j.a. kazimer
Celebrity Crime Beat
Famed bad girl, Rapunzel of the West Coast Rapunzels, was arrested last night on the Cin City strip for possession of a controlled substance when security personnel at the Hard Fairy Hotel discovered an ounce of white powder believed to be fairy dust in the socialite's purse.
Rapunzel denied the purse was hers, saying, "I borrowed it from a friend." When pressed for that 'friend's' name, she added, "What friend? That's my purse. Hey, what are you doing with my purse! Police! Police! Some one's stealing my evening bag!"
Mayor Mike ‘Mini-Mint’ Michaelson Mocks Murmurs of Mob Mischief
By Ross D. Willard
MMMMMMMMM Beat New Never News
Even with the election days away, and with mounting evidence connecting him to the Lollipop Guild, a known mob front, Mayor Mike Michaelson isn’t showing any signs of stress. Today, at the annual ‘Falling House Commemoration Picnic,’ the longtime politician gave his traditional reading of the beloved ‘Meeting Ms. Dorothy’ for local children. Laughing off questions from the media, he spent most of the day shaking hands and kissing babies and looking, for all the world, like a man without a care.
As popular as Mayor Michaelson may be, though, he has had a long and sordid political history, from reputed dealings with all varieties of wicked witches, to the gumdrop scandal, there have always been more questions than answers regarding the Munchkin Mayor. Most notably, of course, there was the incident of the disappearance of labor leader James Hofta during the building of the Yellow Brick Road, and Mayor Michaelson’s refusal to allow any portion of that road to be removed, or dug under, as recommended by investigators.
While it’s hard to speak ill of a politician who has dedicated so much of his time to building parks and public works, I would like to remind the residents of Munchkin Land, along with all readers everywhere, that elections are not popularity contests, and a winning smile should not be enough to put a criminal in office.
Letter to the Editor
Dear Editor,
As a longtime reader of the New Never News, I wanted to start out by telling you how much I've enjoyed your articles over the years. The New Never News has never not been a noteworthy news source in a nation with no non-notable news networks. That said, in recent years I've become somewhat distressed by the lack of coverage of the various political issues of our day.
Certainly, you've kept us appraised of Prince Charming's all too common lapses in judgment, but when the New Never News is surprisingly silent on the larger issues. For example, recently several noted experts have suggested the possibility that Sleeping Beauty's multiple decades of bed rest may be caused, not by a curse, but Munchhausen syndrome by proxy. The fact that Sleeping Beauty's elder sister, Quite Dead Beauty, suffered a similar syndrome, and that Sleeping's symptoms occurred only after the unfortunate death of her sister do seem to lend some credence to the theory.
Also, recent accusations have surfaced against famed business mogul, Jack of the Beanstalk, that his vast fortune was gained, not through wise investments in junk bond, but through outright theft.
On these, and other issues, your paper has remained strangely silent, and I, for one, would like to know if it is a lack of interest on the part of management, or undo influences from these powerful political and business interests that have kept these stories out of the public limelight.
Sincerely,
T.H.E. Scarecrow Jr.
As a longtime reader of the New Never News, I wanted to start out by telling you how much I've enjoyed your articles over the years. The New Never News has never not been a noteworthy news source in a nation with no non-notable news networks. That said, in recent years I've become somewhat distressed by the lack of coverage of the various political issues of our day.
Certainly, you've kept us appraised of Prince Charming's all too common lapses in judgment, but when the New Never News is surprisingly silent on the larger issues. For example, recently several noted experts have suggested the possibility that Sleeping Beauty's multiple decades of bed rest may be caused, not by a curse, but Munchhausen syndrome by proxy. The fact that Sleeping Beauty's elder sister, Quite Dead Beauty, suffered a similar syndrome, and that Sleeping's symptoms occurred only after the unfortunate death of her sister do seem to lend some credence to the theory.
Also, recent accusations have surfaced against famed business mogul, Jack of the Beanstalk, that his vast fortune was gained, not through wise investments in junk bond, but through outright theft.
On these, and other issues, your paper has remained strangely silent, and I, for one, would like to know if it is a lack of interest on the part of management, or undo influences from these powerful political and business interests that have kept these stories out of the public limelight.
Sincerely,
T.H.E. Scarecrow Jr.
The Princess Who Really, Really Has to Pee Asks the Wicked Witch
Dear Wicked Witch:
My prince is pressuring me to take a cell phone camera with me into the little princess' room and take a picture while I pee. He says it has always been a "fairytale" of his, and that if I really love him I'll do it.
~ The Princess Who Really, Really Has to Pee
Dear Princess Pee:
Just man up and go already. What's the worst that can happen? Overnight, international internet exposure? Think of it as a career move. Look what it did for the Tidy Bowl Man.
~ The Wicked Witch
If you have a question for the Wicked Witch, email admin@juliekazimer.com.
Third Victim of Red-Hooded Serial Killer Found
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
The third victim of the red-hooded serial murderer was found in a wooded lot behind a nursing home over the weekend. The body is believed to be that of a woodsmen reported missing a week ago. All the victims were located within one mile of the Little Red Senior Living Center. The police have no suspects in any of the crimes, but urge the public (especially those of the wolf race) to take extra precautions when wandering into the enchanted forest. A basket of goodies is being offered as a reward for any information leading to an arrest.
Tortoise Suspected of Doping
By j.a. kazimer
Sports New Never News
Famed racer, Lance Tortoise is charged with using synthetic enhancers in the Tour de Tremaine, a six mile race around the Tremaine Palace. The forty year old Tortoise has won four Tours so far. The accusation of doping came from the Hare after the final leg of the race, in which, Tortoise surprised everyone by beating the favorite Hare by a paw.
Tortoise had this to say, 'Doping? That's crazy. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time, Slow and Steroids wins the race.' He added, 'Oh, Steroids aren't natural? Who knew?'
Prince Charming Parties at Naughty Nightclub
By j.a. kazimer
Lifestyles New Never News
Prince Charming paid a visit to one of New Never City's hotspots this weekend sans fiancee. What is a prince without a princess to do? Dance of course. Charming spent the night dancing with a few 'close' compainions to the sweet sounds of DJ Hey Diddle's Fiddle.
Iron Chafe - Fairy Godmother Style
By j.a. kazimer
TV New Never News
A new series begins this week on the New Never News Network. Iron Chafe - Fairy Godmother Style, which pits the top fairy godmothers from around the world against each other for the title of IRON GODMOTHER.
This week's battle: Bibbity Bobbitt Boo
Secret Ingredients: Pumpkin, Three Mice, and a Drab Princess.
Only one godmother will survive!
Mysterious Fire at the Villainous Union
By j.a. kazimerPyrotechnic Beat New Never News
A freakish four alarm fire broke out overnight at the headquarters of the villain's union in Greenwitch Village. The fire burned the first two floors, causing over twenty thousand dollars in damage. VP of Union Affairs, Miss Muffet stated, 'I just sat on my tuffet, eating my curds and whey, when along came a fire...'
Not surprisingly, the fire is under investigation. The sheriff has released this sketch of the suspect, described as a short man with dark hair. Anyone with any information, are asked to contact the NNPD.
Agoraphoibic Piggy Killed in Wolf Force Winds
By j.a. kazimer
Weather Forecaster New Never News
This little piggy who stayed home due to his agoraphobia was killed over the weekend in a freak wind storm that smelled faintly of pork chops. One witness, The Big Bad Wolf, declared, "Storm. What storm? I didn't see anything."
The storm destroyed many of the straw housing units in the New Never Projects. This little piggy who stayed home will best be remembered for, staying home while his littler piggy brother ate roast beef.
Funeral serviced will be held at Daddy Bruce's Crematory and BBQ.
Old MacDonald Arrested in Overnight Pot Bust
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Old MacDonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.
And on that farm he had a seventy-five marijuana plants worth $150,000, EE-I-EE-I-O,
With a bong here and a stoner there
Here a DEA agent there a DEA agent, everywhere DEA agents
Old MacDonald had a pot farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.
Now he has a nice jail cell in the New Never City Detention & Dance Center.
New Never City Bans Same-Silverware Marriage
By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News
Dinnerware across the city is up in forks over the new ban on same-silverware marriage. No longer will the Dessert Fork and the Salad Fork enjoy the same protection under the law as the Dish and the Spoon.
Proponents of the ban state: "At the Last Supper, Jesus ate with a fork and a spoon. Not a spoon and a spoon. It's just not natural."
Natural or not, the law will be challenged all the way to the 5th District Fairy Court. As opponents claim the law violates their Silverware Rights.
Dear Wicked Witch - Slipperless is the City
Dear Wicked Witch:
I lost my slipper at a ball the other night and the queen's idiot son picked it up. And he's been stuffing every womanly foot he sees into my slipper. He's no Prince Charming for sure, so what should I do?
~ Slipperless in New Never City
Dear Slipperless:
Find the idiot son, bash him on the head, and curse him to turn into a toad for theft of footwear. Then, coat your feet in eye-of-newt. It helps your skin adhere to glass slippers, so you will never lose your footwear again.
~ Wicked Witch
If you have a question for the Wicked Witch, email admin@juliekazimer.com.
Beauty Beats Beast
By j.a. kazimer
Political Beat New Never News
Political insiders are astounded by today's election results as Beauty is declared the President of New Never City after defeating Beast in a landslide victor.
"You like me. You really, really like me," Beauty cried in her acceptance speech.
Beast couldn't be reached for comment, but his right-handed henchman demanded a recount. Voters will remember this campaign as one of the costliest and most negative elections in a land far, far away.
Political Beat New Never News
Political insiders are astounded by today's election results as Beauty is declared the President of New Never City after defeating Beast in a landslide victor.
"You like me. You really, really like me," Beauty cried in her acceptance speech.
Beast couldn't be reached for comment, but his right-handed henchman demanded a recount. Voters will remember this campaign as one of the costliest and most negative elections in a land far, far away.
Little Boy Blue Caught Googling Himself
By j.a. kazimer
Staff Writer New Never News
What more can we say?
Prince Charming Arrested After Busting Up a Motel 6
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Award winning prince, Charming Sheen was hospitalized overnight after Motel 6 staff called police to report the prince had trashed his motel room, tearing a Geppetto off the wall. He was also seen running naked down the hallway, a white powder substance, which later turned out to be sugar, smeared across his face.
This isn't Charming's first brush with the law. He was arrested earlier this year after a domestic quarrel with 'an unnamed' fairy godmother. When asked for comment the prince's spokesman said, 'His client ate too many pixie sticks and suffered a allergic reaction.'
Crime Beat New Never News
Award winning prince, Charming Sheen was hospitalized overnight after Motel 6 staff called police to report the prince had trashed his motel room, tearing a Geppetto off the wall. He was also seen running naked down the hallway, a white powder substance, which later turned out to be sugar, smeared across his face.
This isn't Charming's first brush with the law. He was arrested earlier this year after a domestic quarrel with 'an unnamed' fairy godmother. When asked for comment the prince's spokesman said, 'His client ate too many pixie sticks and suffered a allergic reaction.'
Obituary for This Little Piggy
By j.a. kazimer
Death Writer New Never News
A sad day for the Little Piggy Family as the eldest, and biggest piggy succumbed to salmonella poisoning after eating some tainted roast beef. This Little Piggy was best known for his skill at marketing. He will be missed.
In other news, The Butcher has a sale on pork chops. Buy one and get a second one, half price. Supplies are limited.
Old Women Arrested in Child Labor Sting. Shoe Confiscated.
By j.a. kazimer
New Never News Crime Beat
Hard times for all, but especially in the Kingdom of Tremaine, where the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe was recently arrested in a child labor sting. She is accused of using child labor to weave knock off handbags in her Shoe. Authorities quickly confiscated the Shoe, leaving the Old Woman and her brood of kids with one option, move into section swamp housing.
When asked, the woman responded, "I just don't know what to do!"
Ask Wizard OZ, M.D.
Peter:
How can I prevent ingrown hares?
Wizard OZ, M.D:
Feed your bunny. Nobunny likes a skinny rabbit.
If you have a question, email Wizard OZ, M.D. at wizardoz.md@gmail.com.
How can I prevent ingrown hares?
Wizard OZ, M.D:
Feed your bunny. Nobunny likes a skinny rabbit.
If you have a question, email Wizard OZ, M.D. at wizardoz.md@gmail.com.
Wicked Witch Declares 'I'm Not a Witch'
By j.a. kazimer
Writer-with-a-Staff New Never News
In a surprising political move, the Wicked Witch, currently running for queen of West Cin City, declared 'I'm not a witch'.
She followed her statement up with 'Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo', and abruptly disappeared in a puff of smoke. Which ignited a blogger's buzz of suspicion about the Wicked Witch's stance on the legalization of medicinal spells.
Did the Wicked Witch inhale? Enquirering minds want to know?
Villainous Union Repeals Don't Ask, Please, Please, Please Don't Tell
By j.a. kazimer
New Never News Staff Writer
The Villainous Union has repealed the Don't Ask, Please, Please, Please Don't Tell policy that barred gay henchmen from serving in the union in a 7 - 3 vote.
In protest of this bold action, heroes everywhere are vowing to stop wearing tights, and instead, will only wear skinny jeans.
President Ogre refused to comment, other than to say, "Ask not what you can do for your country. Just do it."
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