Teens Sought Following Accident

By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News

The New Never Police Department has issued a statement in the recent hit-and-run attack on an as-of-yet unidentified homeless man.

The incident occurred two nights ago up at makeout ridge, a popular hangout for highschool couples. According to police, the homeless man in question, who appears to have been suffering from a stroke and was seeking help, tried to get the attention of some youths. As he was unable to speak, he appears to have dragged his hook along the side of their car in order to gain their attention.

Police say that the teens in question not only failed to render aid to the ailing man, who is, most likely, a disabled veteran, but drove off after the man’s hook became trapped in the car handle, ripping the hook off of his arm and causing needless injury to the man.

Paint chips at the crime scene indicate that the car in question was light blue. Police are offering a reward for any information that results in the capture of these two malicious offenders.

Singing Mermaid Washed Up

By j.a. kazimer
Where Are They Now? New Never News

A fisherman made a gruesome discovery this morning - the body of famed singer, The Little Mermaid, who apparently washed ashore following high tide. By the large gouge marks marring her throat, police suspect foul play. An autopsy scheduled for tomorrow will confirm. Her manager, Captain Hook, could not be reached for comment.

SWFairy Seeks Hook

By j.a. kazimer
Personals

Single, White, Fairy in need of applause seeks a Captain to give direction to her life. The ideal mate isn't afraid of commitment or alligators. Peter Pan Complex's need not apply.

~ Tinkerbelle
555-555-1234

Lost Boys Kidnapping Solved

By Ross D. Willard
Fairy Beat New Never News


It’s been the defining work of his career, but finally, Police Captain James Hook has made good on his promise to solve the mysterious ‘Lost Boys’ kidnappings.

The bust occurred late last night, after one of the captain’s undercover officers spotted a suspicious looking figure loitering outside the home of one Wendy Moira Angela Darling. Ms. Darling, who had a brief but ‘creepy’ run in with a mysterious man who called himself ‘Petey’ several months ago. After reporting the incident, Ms. Darling was put under police surveillance.

According the press conference given by Captain Hook after the capture of his prime suspect, the kidnappings perpetrated by ‘Petey’ Panningfield have spanned the better part of two decades. A schizophrenic with severe detachment disorder, ‘Petey’ developed a loathing for adulthood and dedicated his life to ‘saving’ children from the ‘trauma’ of growing up. Guided by the voices in his head to seek out the ‘good’ children, Mr. Panningfield struck without rhyme or reason, which made him all the more difficult to catch. The police have, so far, found half a dozen of the ‘lost boys’ stored on Mr. Panningfield’s property. Police are still searching his property.

While ‘Petey’ is now safely removed from society, Captain Hook warned the community that the fight is not yet over. In the course of his crimes, and in order to make money to support himself, ‘Petey’ used and sold a designer drug known, in street slang, as ‘pixie dustings.’ The source of these highly addictive drugs, a chemist known only as ‘Tinkerbell’ remains at large.