Obituary for This Little Piggy

Obituary for This Little Piggy
By j.a. kazimer
Death Writer New Never News

A sad day for the Little Piggy Family as the eldest, and biggest piggy succumbed to salmonella poisoning after eating some tainted roast beef. This Little Piggy was best known for his skill at marketing. He will be missed.

In other news, The Butcher has a sale on pork chops. Buy one and get a second one, half price. Supplies are limited.

This Little Piggy Arrested For Public Urination

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

The youngest brother of the This Little Piggy family was arrested this afternoon after going wee-wee-wee all the way home. Police received numerous complaints from neighbors following the alleged peeing incident.

Captain Smee of the New Never City PD stated, "When units arrived on scene, they noticed a thin trail of urine leading all the way to the Piggy house. Following the...um...lead, police arrested the youngest piggy."

One neighbor angrily shouted, "What's this city coming to? Our brick road used to be white, but now look at it..."

This Little Piggy On Hunger Strike

By j.a. kazimer
World New Never News

Following in the beloved leader Gandhi's thin footsteps, the second youngest This Little Piggy, who is best known for his fight against pork chop abuse, declared a hunger strike effective immediately. He has had none of the roast beef his older brother recently 'purchased' from a man with a magic bag of beans. And will not eat, he states, "Until Tibet is freed from 'something'".

Pig Out Deli Open for Business

By j.a. kazimer
Local Business New Never News


After the deaths of two brothers (Marketing Guru This Little Piggy and Agoraphobic This Little Piggy)in the last month, the middle This Little Piggy, who loves to eat roast beef, has opened his very own deli featuring none other than his secret family recipe for slow cooked roast pork.

Sadly, the 'Pig Out Deli' was closed after only a few hours due to shoddy construction after it toppled during a freak wind storm. When reached for comment, This Little Piggy Who Ate Roast Beef, said, "When it comes to your dreams, if you let the Three Little Pigs build it, a wolf will huff and puff until the whole things blows down."

Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.