Asthma Blamed for Death of Three Little Pigs

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

Last night, the New Never City Corner officially ruled the death of the Three Little Pigs to be an accident. For those who don't read the New Never News regularly, all Three Little Pigs were killed last month when their brick house exploded after faced with gale force winds.

The New Never City Police suspected foul play, after a witness came forward claiming he'd seen a big and slightly bad guy with lots of hair huffing and puffing near the pigs' home.

Police soon detained The Big Bad Wolf on suspicion of Pigacide, but released him shortly after.

Detective Goldie Locks was unavailable for comment at this time.

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Bakery Opens

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News


Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum!
I smell the scent of english muffins!
Fresh ground coffee too!

The Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Bakery is now open on the corner of Beanstalk and Piggy Way. Come on down for some fresh baked goodies that even the biggest, badest will love. Take a few home to grandma too!

Fifth Victim Found

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

A fifth unidentified victim in the red hooded serial killer case was found in a field off the Mother Goose Freeway. Police are stumped. If you have any information about the victim, a wolf wearing large woman's underwear also known as granny panties, police ask you to contact them.

Pig Out Deli Open for Business

By j.a. kazimer
Local Business New Never News


After the deaths of two brothers (Marketing Guru This Little Piggy and Agoraphobic This Little Piggy)in the last month, the middle This Little Piggy, who loves to eat roast beef, has opened his very own deli featuring none other than his secret family recipe for slow cooked roast pork.

Sadly, the 'Pig Out Deli' was closed after only a few hours due to shoddy construction after it toppled during a freak wind storm. When reached for comment, This Little Piggy Who Ate Roast Beef, said, "When it comes to your dreams, if you let the Three Little Pigs build it, a wolf will huff and puff until the whole things blows down."

Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.

Agoraphoibic Piggy Killed in Wolf Force Winds

By j.a. kazimer
Weather Forecaster New Never News

This little piggy who stayed home due to his agoraphobia was killed over the weekend in a freak wind storm that smelled faintly of pork chops. One witness, The Big Bad Wolf, declared, "Storm. What storm? I didn't see anything."

The storm destroyed many of the straw housing units in the New Never Projects. This little piggy who stayed home will best be remembered for, staying home while his littler piggy brother ate roast beef.

Funeral serviced will be held at Daddy Bruce's Crematory and BBQ.