Law Forbids Screaming

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

In a 3 to 7 vote, New Never City Council Members passed a law banning the screaming for any and all frozen desserts. The mayor said, "I won't scream, and you better not scream for Ice Cream, or you'll find yourself in jail!"

City Council to Debate Zoning Restrictions

By Ross D. Willard
City Desk New Never News

The New Never City Council is scheduled to have an open hearing tonight. Among the topics on the agenda is a possible reexamination of zoning definitions. At stake? The deference between a large garden and a small farm.

“It’s about time. We at the home owner’s association have been pushing for this discussion for three years.”

And what prompted this three year quest? What else, but an eighty foot beanstalk.

“When my son brought home those beans, I had no idea that they anything but your standard, every day bean-pole beans,” Ms. Black told us. “But once I found out what they really were, the first thing I did was clear out the rest of my garden, to make sure I would be in compliance with the square footage limitations.

“It’s eight stories high!” Countered Mrs. Green. “It’s a farm, it just happens to be a vertical farm instead of horizontal.”

With passions as high as these, tonight’s meeting promises to be entertaining, no matter what the decision.

City Council Meeting on Banning Brooms ~ Cinderella Shocked!

By Ross D. Willard
Local Politics New Never News


I know, I know, the meetings are long, boring, and they still haven’t fixed the air conditioner, but if you own a broomstick, you’re going to want to make it to the next townhall meeting.

Let’s face it, New Never City is growing, and as the city gets bigger, problems that never came up before are now normal. There was a time when a flying pig could do loop de loops through the center of town with a blindfold on and nobody would bat an eye, but times have changed, and the sky that was once clear as far as the eye could see is now perpetually filled with witches on the way to work, flying livestock, even the occasional flying car.

While the city isn’t ready to put up floating cones and traffic signals, the increasing number of mid-air collisions and close calls had attracted the attention of authorities, and the meeting this weekend is meant to lay the groundwork for the changes that need to come. So if you commute to work on a broom, cloud, or winged shoes, or if you know someone who does, don’t let your voice go unheard.