Mystique Roadshow Comes to Town

By Ross D. Willard
TV New Never News

We’ve all seen an episode or two, and everyone has dreamed of finding out that old pot they found in the attic is actually an antique. Well, the time has come to dig up those old relics your great grandfather passed down just before he passed away, and make your way to the Cutlass Convention Center, because the rumors are true, Mystique Roadshow has come to town!

From sword experts to professional gemologists, you’ll be hard pressed to bring anything in that they don’t have an expert in. And you never know what trinket you might be holding onto that’s worth its weight in gold. Or more.

“I’ve been eating my curds and wey out of this bowl for years!” Miss Muffet told us with a bewildered smile on her face. “I knew my mother used the same bowl, and her mother, but to find out that it dates back almost three hundred years! I just can’t believe it!”

But for every story of treasure found, there are a dozen, heartbreaking, near misses.

“Even in this condition, he said that an intact piece was worth a king’s ransom. But with the genie missing, apparently it’s almost completely worthless.” One young woman told us with a sad smile on her face. “Grandpa Aladdin never was very good at keeping things up, but letting that Genie go? Sometimes I can’t believe how irresponsible he could be.”

Lottery Winner Celebrates in Style

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. Then she won the lottery, and everything changed.

“Are you kidding me? I can finally afford to put them through college. I mean, not all of them are going to college, of course, Rick and Michael are both apprenticing as plumbers already, and they seem to like it. Tina, Trixi and Roxanne will put anything I give them towards starting that restaurant. Sam, Jordan, Kayla and Mirriam are trying to get that band of theirs off the ground, while Lisa, Harry, George and Bobbi are almost done with trade school. Carrie and Michelle are both getting married, so I guess I can help with the wedding now. But for the rest of them? Oh, yeah, it’s going into college funds.”

And for herself?

“Well,” the little old lady blushed, “I have to admit, living in this boot has gotten a little old. I was looking at a nice, strapless stiletto on the other side of town.”

City Council to Debate Zoning Restrictions

By Ross D. Willard
City Desk New Never News

The New Never City Council is scheduled to have an open hearing tonight. Among the topics on the agenda is a possible reexamination of zoning definitions. At stake? The deference between a large garden and a small farm.

“It’s about time. We at the home owner’s association have been pushing for this discussion for three years.”

And what prompted this three year quest? What else, but an eighty foot beanstalk.

“When my son brought home those beans, I had no idea that they anything but your standard, every day bean-pole beans,” Ms. Black told us. “But once I found out what they really were, the first thing I did was clear out the rest of my garden, to make sure I would be in compliance with the square footage limitations.

“It’s eight stories high!” Countered Mrs. Green. “It’s a farm, it just happens to be a vertical farm instead of horizontal.”

With passions as high as these, tonight’s meeting promises to be entertaining, no matter what the decision.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

By Ross D. Willard
Sports New Never News

Grudge Match!

It only happens once a year, but when it happens, the world stands still. Well, maybe not the whole world, but the Humpty district of New Never certainly does hold it’s breath.

Tonight is the annual grudge match football game between heated rivals, All the King’s Horses Academy, and All the King’s Men Highschool. Though neither team is likely to end up in this years championship, tonight’s competition is expected to be the most well attended game of the year, and New Never’s police force is sending several extra units to prevent any more ‘incident’s’ similar to the unfortunate car flipping spree of last year.

What started this bitter rivalry, nobody can remember, but one thing is certain, it’ll take more than a simple football game to put Humpty District back together again.

Jack & Jill In the Hot Seat After Lawsuit

By Ross D. Willard
Legal News New Never News

In a shocking turn of events, the Acme Pail Company has initiated a counter suit against Jack and Jill. As readers may recall, Jack and Jill initiated a suit against the company claiming that their Water Pail distribution center, located on top of a hill just outside of the city, failed to provide adequate safety measures. The two complainants contend that it was the lack of safety measures that resulted in their respective falls, and the head injury that put Jack in the hospital for the better part of a month.


Acme Pail Company’s counter suit alleges that Jack and Jill are con artists, and insurance scammers with a history of falsifying records and initiating frivolous lawsuits. Though neither party could be reached for comment, rumors are circulating that the pail company is issuing a subpoena for the testimony of the notorious H. Dumpty, a longtime insurance scammer, and the reputed ‘godfather’ of insurance scammers.

Letter to the Editor II

Ever since the first entrepreneur realized he could make a quick buck betting on the first sport, ever since the first athlete discovered that the smallest edge could mean the difference between glory and shame, cheating has been a part of sports. Normally I keep my nose out of debates about what constitutes cheating, and whether one player or another is likely to be guilty, but recent events have boiled even my blood.

In a recent grudge match, a longtime favorite racer, Harrison the Hare, known for winning nine of the last ten quarter mile races, and seven of the last ten five mile races at old McDonalds farm and racetrack, lost, in a stunning upset, to Toliver the Turtle. Toliver, who has not simply lost every race he has ever been in, but has come in dead last, each and every time, claims that simple perseverance is the secret of his victory. Toliver’s refusal, however, to submit to a urine test has created some well deserves skepticism in the racing community.

Though the unofficial status of this race means that Toliver can not be forced to submit to any kind of test, it is the view of this reporter that the questionable nature of this race should render any bets made on it moot. Even if no money was involved, and it was just a bet between two reporters on who would have to wear a dress to the next office meeting.

Ross D. Willard

Success for Store South of the Seashore

By Ross D. Willard
Local Business Beat

Local Business Prospers

In South Samstan Street, several steps past the caterpillars smoke shack, and a few steps shy of the Silver Seahorse Saloon, you can see Sally Simon’s Seashell Shack.

Sometime ago, Sally Simon was a squatter on the corner of Sham and Shaker, surviving on day old sausages and soup from a sympathetic chef. But now? Now Sally sells seashells on the seashore. How? According to the sharp tounged Sally: “It sure as s--- wasn’t easy!”

Sally says she started selling seashells on accident.

“Well, I was sitting on the side of the street, sorting through a sack of sand that someone had set next to a street sign. I scooped up a section of the sand and let it sift through my fingers. Suddenly I found a small, but sweet looking seashell, just sitting there. I sit and I stare for some time, until a stoner I know, Sid Sodersabber, comes up, staring at the shiny thing and says, ‘hey, Sally, that’s a shiny seashell. My sister, Cindy Sodersabber, she’d so love a shiny seashell.’ And I say, ‘S---, Sid, I’ll sell you this seashell.’ And sure as s---, he shells out some cash.”

Some might say that Sally’s sailor-like, swearword filled vernacular still leave something to be sought after, but for all her steamy language, at her heart, Sally Simon is a sweet girl, and I, for one, sure support her selling seashells by the seashore. Sell those seashells, Sally, sell those seashells.

Mayor Mike ‘Mini-Mint’ Michaelson Mocks Murmurs of Mob Mischief

By Ross D. Willard
MMMMMMMMM Beat New Never News


Even with the election days away, and with mounting evidence connecting him to the Lollipop Guild, a known mob front, Mayor Mike Michaelson isn’t showing any signs of stress. Today, at the annual ‘Falling House Commemoration Picnic,’ the longtime politician gave his traditional reading of the beloved ‘Meeting Ms. Dorothy’ for local children. Laughing off questions from the media, he spent most of the day shaking hands and kissing babies and looking, for all the world, like a man without a care.

As popular as Mayor Michaelson may be, though, he has had a long and sordid political history, from reputed dealings with all varieties of wicked witches, to the gumdrop scandal, there have always been more questions than answers regarding the Munchkin Mayor. Most notably, of course, there was the incident of the disappearance of labor leader James Hofta during the building of the Yellow Brick Road, and Mayor Michaelson’s refusal to allow any portion of that road to be removed, or dug under, as recommended by investigators.

While it’s hard to speak ill of a politician who has dedicated so much of his time to building parks and public works, I would like to remind the residents of Munchkin Land, along with all readers everywhere, that elections are not popularity contests, and a winning smile should not be enough to put a criminal in office.