Letter to the Editor II

Ever since the first entrepreneur realized he could make a quick buck betting on the first sport, ever since the first athlete discovered that the smallest edge could mean the difference between glory and shame, cheating has been a part of sports. Normally I keep my nose out of debates about what constitutes cheating, and whether one player or another is likely to be guilty, but recent events have boiled even my blood.

In a recent grudge match, a longtime favorite racer, Harrison the Hare, known for winning nine of the last ten quarter mile races, and seven of the last ten five mile races at old McDonalds farm and racetrack, lost, in a stunning upset, to Toliver the Turtle. Toliver, who has not simply lost every race he has ever been in, but has come in dead last, each and every time, claims that simple perseverance is the secret of his victory. Toliver’s refusal, however, to submit to a urine test has created some well deserves skepticism in the racing community.

Though the unofficial status of this race means that Toliver can not be forced to submit to any kind of test, it is the view of this reporter that the questionable nature of this race should render any bets made on it moot. Even if no money was involved, and it was just a bet between two reporters on who would have to wear a dress to the next office meeting.

Ross D. Willard

Tortoise Suspected of Doping

By j.a. kazimer
Sports New Never News


Famed racer, Lance Tortoise is charged with using synthetic enhancers in the Tour de Tremaine, a six mile race around the Tremaine Palace. The forty year old Tortoise has won four Tours so far. The accusation of doping came from the Hare after the final leg of the race, in which, Tortoise surprised everyone by beating the favorite Hare by a paw.

Tortoise had this to say, 'Doping? That's crazy. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time, Slow and Steroids wins the race.' He added, 'Oh, Steroids aren't natural? Who knew?'