Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.
by Shannon Lawrence
Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,
My wife and I have a problem. I find I’m unable to eat any fatty foods without becoming ill, while my wife needs fat to be able to digest her meals. We’ve seen multiple doctors who have all said no such ailments exist. Have you heard of anything like this? Is there anything we can do?
Jack Sprat
Dear “No Fat” Jack,
What’s the big deal? There are plenty of non-fat foods out there for you, and tons of fatty foods for your wife. Instead of obsessing over what you can’t eat, eat what you can and stop complaining.
The Wizard
Showing posts with label Shannon Lawrence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shannon Lawrence. Show all posts
Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition
Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition
by Shannon Lawrence
Several teens were hospitalized yesterday after partaking of the illegal, and often deadly, drug Fairy Dust. Witnesses say the youths climbed the infamous Humpty Dumpty Wall and yelled “We can fly, we can fly, we can fly” before leaping off, arms outstretched. The teens remain in critical condition at Fairy Tale General.
Fairy Dust is known for causing hallucinations and delusions of grandeur, and has become a large problem for New Never City’s police force. Sources say it comes out of Neverland, but there has not been a successful raid, to date, as the officers sent in never return. Odd notes have been received by family members, signed by the Wild Boyz, and stating that the officers are happier in Neverland.
A slight man dressed in all green is being sought for questioning as a person of interest, possibly the dealer who sold the youths the Fairy Dust. Our investigation turned up a prostitute who was dressed as a pirate and called herself Hook. “This whole situation is a ticking time bomb,” she stated. “You can practically hear the ticking. No, wait, really, do you hear that?”
If you have any information on Fairy Dust or local dealers, please contact the local police department.
by Shannon Lawrence
Several teens were hospitalized yesterday after partaking of the illegal, and often deadly, drug Fairy Dust. Witnesses say the youths climbed the infamous Humpty Dumpty Wall and yelled “We can fly, we can fly, we can fly” before leaping off, arms outstretched. The teens remain in critical condition at Fairy Tale General.
Fairy Dust is known for causing hallucinations and delusions of grandeur, and has become a large problem for New Never City’s police force. Sources say it comes out of Neverland, but there has not been a successful raid, to date, as the officers sent in never return. Odd notes have been received by family members, signed by the Wild Boyz, and stating that the officers are happier in Neverland.
A slight man dressed in all green is being sought for questioning as a person of interest, possibly the dealer who sold the youths the Fairy Dust. Our investigation turned up a prostitute who was dressed as a pirate and called herself Hook. “This whole situation is a ticking time bomb,” she stated. “You can practically hear the ticking. No, wait, really, do you hear that?”
If you have any information on Fairy Dust or local dealers, please contact the local police department.
Talking Animals Trapped in Brer Park; PAC Called in by Police
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News
Police responding to a noise complaint in Brer Park were forced to call in the Paranormal Animal Control Unit (PAC) when they discovered a talking fox and his equally talented bear companion ensnared in the briar patch. It took several hours to free them, but they were ultimately able to scamper back into the wild, none the worse for their experience.
Police also report what may be a lost pet rabbit. Witnesses claim that said rabbit appeared to be laughing and pointing. If you have lost a rabbit with a sadistic sense of humor and think he may belong to you, please contact PAC with a description. Be prepared to provide a photograph.
Crime Beat, New Never News
Police responding to a noise complaint in Brer Park were forced to call in the Paranormal Animal Control Unit (PAC) when they discovered a talking fox and his equally talented bear companion ensnared in the briar patch. It took several hours to free them, but they were ultimately able to scamper back into the wild, none the worse for their experience.
Police also report what may be a lost pet rabbit. Witnesses claim that said rabbit appeared to be laughing and pointing. If you have lost a rabbit with a sadistic sense of humor and think he may belong to you, please contact PAC with a description. Be prepared to provide a photograph.
Chance of Falling Sky
By Shannon Lawrence
Weather, New Never News
In weather news today, our rival paper, Chicken Little Gazette, grossly over-exaggerated reports that the sky was falling. You can expect more rain and possibly some hail, but the sky will remain intact. No need to cancel your travel plans.
Weather, New Never News
In weather news today, our rival paper, Chicken Little Gazette, grossly over-exaggerated reports that the sky was falling. You can expect more rain and possibly some hail, but the sky will remain intact. No need to cancel your travel plans.
Robbery Leaves Police Puzzled
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News
The Golden Goose, a priceless artifact, has been stolen from the Crown Jewelry Store. The robbery occurred last night sometime between midnight and three A.M. There was no damage, and nothing else was taken. Police are baffled as to how the perpetrator gained entrance to the store.
A feathered cap and what appears to be some manner of hairball were found by the glass case, but there was no other evidence left behind. If you have any information about this robbery, please contact the New Never City police tip line at 1-800-WHO-DNIT.
Crime Beat, New Never News
The Golden Goose, a priceless artifact, has been stolen from the Crown Jewelry Store. The robbery occurred last night sometime between midnight and three A.M. There was no damage, and nothing else was taken. Police are baffled as to how the perpetrator gained entrance to the store.
A feathered cap and what appears to be some manner of hairball were found by the glass case, but there was no other evidence left behind. If you have any information about this robbery, please contact the New Never City police tip line at 1-800-WHO-DNIT.
Possible Black Widow Operating in New Never City
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New never News
Police believe a black widow may be stalking the wealthy men of New Never City. Readers may recall the death of famed local wrestler, John “The Beast” Breckner, six months ago. At that time, police felt his death was accidental, but new evidence has come to light that indicates cold-blooded murder.
In addition, a charming prince's untimely death four years ago in Cin City is now believed to be related, as a single red rose was found at both crime scenes.
Detective Nosy, cousin to the seven dwarfs, warns the men of New Never City to be on the lookout for Beauty aka Belle aka Bonita. She is considered enchanting and dangerous. Use caution when approaching her and do not propose! Report any sightings immediately.
Crime Beat, New never News
Police believe a black widow may be stalking the wealthy men of New Never City. Readers may recall the death of famed local wrestler, John “The Beast” Breckner, six months ago. At that time, police felt his death was accidental, but new evidence has come to light that indicates cold-blooded murder.
In addition, a charming prince's untimely death four years ago in Cin City is now believed to be related, as a single red rose was found at both crime scenes.
Detective Nosy, cousin to the seven dwarfs, warns the men of New Never City to be on the lookout for Beauty aka Belle aka Bonita. She is considered enchanting and dangerous. Use caution when approaching her and do not propose! Report any sightings immediately.
King’s Men Unable to Save Falling Man
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News
The King Fire Department was called out to Nursery Rhyme Lane today, after reports were received of an obese, drunken man stumbling along on top of a tall stone wall lining the road. When they arrived, they found a group of children yelling “Humpty Dumpty sucks” and throwing rocks at him. He lost his balance and tumbled from the wall, breaking every bone in his body, save for the pinkie finger on his right hand. He was taken by ambulance to the King County Hospital, but the King’s men could not put Mr. Humpty together again. The children were taken into custody and police are considering charges.
There will be a sunny side up service this Friday at the King’s Horse Racetrack, where Mr. Humpty spent much of his time (and money), for all the good it did him.
Crime Beat, New Never News
The King Fire Department was called out to Nursery Rhyme Lane today, after reports were received of an obese, drunken man stumbling along on top of a tall stone wall lining the road. When they arrived, they found a group of children yelling “Humpty Dumpty sucks” and throwing rocks at him. He lost his balance and tumbled from the wall, breaking every bone in his body, save for the pinkie finger on his right hand. He was taken by ambulance to the King County Hospital, but the King’s men could not put Mr. Humpty together again. The children were taken into custody and police are considering charges.
There will be a sunny side up service this Friday at the King’s Horse Racetrack, where Mr. Humpty spent much of his time (and money), for all the good it did him.
Bakery Vandals Captured
By Shannon K. Lawrence
Crime Beat New Never News
A string of vandalism of local bakeries within the last few months may finally be at an end. Police took alleged vandals Hansel Ericsson and Gretel Ericsson into custody today, thanks to an anonymous tip. Calling themselves The Step-Kids, they made a defiant statement via their public defender:
“All these bakeries are run by murderous witches! They’re getting what they deserve.”
One of their victims, Jemma Stinson of Gingerbread Haus Bakery, claims the worst part is the pigeons. “Those little twerps sprinkled bread crumbs all over the place. Bread crumbs! What am I supposed to do about all these bird droppings?”
This is, indeed, a good question, as her once quaint brown store, trimmed in candy-colored glass and lights, is now completely white. When confronted, Hansel said, “That witch will be lucky if she doesn’t bake in the electric chair.”
Asked why they were so determined to punish her, he became crazed, screaming about serial killers and ovens. Police say they are investigating these statements.
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