by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News
Last night, the New Never City Corner officially ruled the death of the Three Little Pigs to be an accident. For those who don't read the New Never News regularly, all Three Little Pigs were killed last month when their brick house exploded after faced with gale force winds.
The New Never City Police suspected foul play, after a witness came forward claiming he'd seen a big and slightly bad guy with lots of hair huffing and puffing near the pigs' home.
Police soon detained The Big Bad Wolf on suspicion of Pigacide, but released him shortly after.
Detective Goldie Locks was unavailable for comment at this time.
Talking Animals Trapped in Brer Park; PAC Called in by Police
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News
Police responding to a noise complaint in Brer Park were forced to call in the Paranormal Animal Control Unit (PAC) when they discovered a talking fox and his equally talented bear companion ensnared in the briar patch. It took several hours to free them, but they were ultimately able to scamper back into the wild, none the worse for their experience.
Police also report what may be a lost pet rabbit. Witnesses claim that said rabbit appeared to be laughing and pointing. If you have lost a rabbit with a sadistic sense of humor and think he may belong to you, please contact PAC with a description. Be prepared to provide a photograph.
Crime Beat, New Never News
Police responding to a noise complaint in Brer Park were forced to call in the Paranormal Animal Control Unit (PAC) when they discovered a talking fox and his equally talented bear companion ensnared in the briar patch. It took several hours to free them, but they were ultimately able to scamper back into the wild, none the worse for their experience.
Police also report what may be a lost pet rabbit. Witnesses claim that said rabbit appeared to be laughing and pointing. If you have lost a rabbit with a sadistic sense of humor and think he may belong to you, please contact PAC with a description. Be prepared to provide a photograph.
Dwarfs Arrested After Short Fight
By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News
After a violent brawl in Easter Egg Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and a short battle soon ensued.
Doc, Dopey and Sneezie White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness. Bail is set for $10,000. A little amount, declared the Jolly Green District Attorney.
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News
After a violent brawl in Easter Egg Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and a short battle soon ensued.
Doc, Dopey and Sneezie White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness. Bail is set for $10,000. A little amount, declared the Jolly Green District Attorney.
Old Mother Hubbard Committed
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat
Old Mother Hubbard of New Never City’s Bare Cupboard District has been
committed to psychiatric treatment after complaints of her roaming the
streets mumbling and aloof.
“The poor dog, the poor dog, all she ever talks about is what she
needs to fetch for that poor dog,” one passerby commented.
In fact, Old Mother Hubbard frequents the District’s businesses many
times a day for her poor dog, even appearing delusional. Many business
owners have voiced concern for her in the past, citing her stories of
the poor dog smoking, dancing, goat riding, cat feeding, and even
dressing in clothes.
“Old Mother Hubbard is a little mixed up right now,” the doctor in
charge of the dame’s psych unit reported. “Once we get her to
understand the correct concept of “fetch”, she will be free to go.
That is, of course, the dog is to do the fetching.”
Meanwhile, the poor dog has been left to tend for himself.
Crime Beat
Old Mother Hubbard of New Never City’s Bare Cupboard District has been
committed to psychiatric treatment after complaints of her roaming the
streets mumbling and aloof.
“The poor dog, the poor dog, all she ever talks about is what she
needs to fetch for that poor dog,” one passerby commented.
In fact, Old Mother Hubbard frequents the District’s businesses many
times a day for her poor dog, even appearing delusional. Many business
owners have voiced concern for her in the past, citing her stories of
the poor dog smoking, dancing, goat riding, cat feeding, and even
dressing in clothes.
“Old Mother Hubbard is a little mixed up right now,” the doctor in
charge of the dame’s psych unit reported. “Once we get her to
understand the correct concept of “fetch”, she will be free to go.
That is, of course, the dog is to do the fetching.”
Meanwhile, the poor dog has been left to tend for himself.
Multiple Monkeys Hospitalized
by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News
In a horrifying weekend mishap, five little monkeys jumping on a bed have been hospitalized after one by one they fell off and bumped their heads. Zookeepers at the New Never City Zoo were unavailable for comment as to how the actual accident occurred, but rumors of counting sheep involvement persist.
Health New Never News
In a horrifying weekend mishap, five little monkeys jumping on a bed have been hospitalized after one by one they fell off and bumped their heads. Zookeepers at the New Never City Zoo were unavailable for comment as to how the actual accident occurred, but rumors of counting sheep involvement persist.
Old Woman Arrested - Shoe Confiscated
By j.a. kazimer
New Never News Crime Beat
Hard times for all, but especially in the Kingdom of Maldetto where the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe was recently arrested in a child labor sting. She is accused of using child labor to weave knock off handbags in her shoe. Authorities quickly confiscated the shoe, leaving the Old Woman and her brood of kids with one option, move into section swamp housing.
When asked, the woman responded, "I just don't know what to do!"
New Never News Crime Beat
Hard times for all, but especially in the Kingdom of Maldetto where the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe was recently arrested in a child labor sting. She is accused of using child labor to weave knock off handbags in her shoe. Authorities quickly confiscated the shoe, leaving the Old Woman and her brood of kids with one option, move into section swamp housing.
When asked, the woman responded, "I just don't know what to do!"
Domestic Disturbance at Snow White’s
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News
All the King’s Men were dispatched late last night to the third block
of New Never City’s Poison Apple Lane. Information is sketchy, but a
source close to the investigation tells us a neighbor reported hearing
loud shouts and ruckuses coming from Snow White’s cottage just before
the mouse ran up the clock.
The neighbor, identified by New Never News as “a mysterious old
woman,” claims Snow White’s tenants, seven surly dwarves, were to
blame. “One girl, seven men, it just couldn’t last,” the source
commented.
Snow White remains in hospital care, her condition listed as the
fairest of them all. Six of the dwarves, Bashful, Doc, Sneezy, Happy,
Grumpy, and Doppy, are being held without bond pending trial. Sleepy,
the only dwarf not involved, could not be reached for comment.
Crime Beat, New Never News
All the King’s Men were dispatched late last night to the third block
of New Never City’s Poison Apple Lane. Information is sketchy, but a
source close to the investigation tells us a neighbor reported hearing
loud shouts and ruckuses coming from Snow White’s cottage just before
the mouse ran up the clock.
The neighbor, identified by New Never News as “a mysterious old
woman,” claims Snow White’s tenants, seven surly dwarves, were to
blame. “One girl, seven men, it just couldn’t last,” the source
commented.
Snow White remains in hospital care, her condition listed as the
fairest of them all. Six of the dwarves, Bashful, Doc, Sneezy, Happy,
Grumpy, and Doppy, are being held without bond pending trial. Sleepy,
the only dwarf not involved, could not be reached for comment.
Chance of Falling Sky
By Shannon Lawrence
Weather, New Never News
In weather news today, our rival paper, Chicken Little Gazette, grossly over-exaggerated reports that the sky was falling. You can expect more rain and possibly some hail, but the sky will remain intact. No need to cancel your travel plans.
Weather, New Never News
In weather news today, our rival paper, Chicken Little Gazette, grossly over-exaggerated reports that the sky was falling. You can expect more rain and possibly some hail, but the sky will remain intact. No need to cancel your travel plans.
Red Hooded Serial Killer Strikes Again
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
The eighth victim of the red-hooded serial murderer was found in a wooded lot behind a nursing home over the weekend. The body is believed to be that of a baker reported missing a week ago. All the victims were located within one mile of the Little Red Senior Living Center. The police have no suspects in any of the crimes, but urge the public (especially those of the wolf race) to take extra precautions when wandering into the enchanted forest. A basket of goodies is being offered as a reward for any information leading to an arrest.
Little Boy Blue Not So Little Or Blue
by j.a. kazimer
Health, New Never News
Doctors discovered a cure for teenage depression over the weekend~Growing up. That's right. 100% of teenagers who grew up reported almost no symptoms of teenage depression. Of course, at least 80% are miserable adults, but science can't fix everything.
Health, New Never News
Doctors discovered a cure for teenage depression over the weekend~Growing up. That's right. 100% of teenagers who grew up reported almost no symptoms of teenage depression. Of course, at least 80% are miserable adults, but science can't fix everything.
Mirror Mirror Heads Back to Rehab
By j.a. kazimer
Entertainment, New Never News
After years of living life on the bathroom vanity, Mirror, Mirror On the Wall is once again headed back for treatment. The famed fixture claims his addiction stems from lifelong fear of disappointing the women in his life. "Do you know how hard it is to lie to women every day for years? Who's the fairest of them all? Not you, sugar. Your butts the size of Prince Charming's ego and your face resembles the ugly stepsister's baby picture."
Entertainment, New Never News
After years of living life on the bathroom vanity, Mirror, Mirror On the Wall is once again headed back for treatment. The famed fixture claims his addiction stems from lifelong fear of disappointing the women in his life. "Do you know how hard it is to lie to women every day for years? Who's the fairest of them all? Not you, sugar. Your butts the size of Prince Charming's ego and your face resembles the ugly stepsister's baby picture."
Old Woman Arrested for Running a Brothel
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News
An old woman from the Prada side of town was arrested last night during a raid by New Never City police. The arrest came after police discovered what appeared to be an illegal brothel being run out of the old woman's home. Police took numerous socks in for questioning.
Crime Beat, New Never News
An old woman from the Prada side of town was arrested last night during a raid by New Never City police. The arrest came after police discovered what appeared to be an illegal brothel being run out of the old woman's home. Police took numerous socks in for questioning.
Robbery Leaves Police Puzzled
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News
The Golden Goose, a priceless artifact, has been stolen from the Crown Jewelry Store. The robbery occurred last night sometime between midnight and three A.M. There was no damage, and nothing else was taken. Police are baffled as to how the perpetrator gained entrance to the store.
A feathered cap and what appears to be some manner of hairball were found by the glass case, but there was no other evidence left behind. If you have any information about this robbery, please contact the New Never City police tip line at 1-800-WHO-DNIT.
Crime Beat, New Never News
The Golden Goose, a priceless artifact, has been stolen from the Crown Jewelry Store. The robbery occurred last night sometime between midnight and three A.M. There was no damage, and nothing else was taken. Police are baffled as to how the perpetrator gained entrance to the store.
A feathered cap and what appears to be some manner of hairball were found by the glass case, but there was no other evidence left behind. If you have any information about this robbery, please contact the New Never City police tip line at 1-800-WHO-DNIT.
Leading Cause of Death ~ Whistling
by j.a. kazimer
Health, New Never News
According to the miners union, the leading cause of miner related death is whistling while you work. Most of the reported deaths occurred by 'accident' according to mining experts: Doc, Dopey, and Homicidal. Miner Mogul, Snow White could not be reached for comment.
Health, New Never News
According to the miners union, the leading cause of miner related death is whistling while you work. Most of the reported deaths occurred by 'accident' according to mining experts: Doc, Dopey, and Homicidal. Miner Mogul, Snow White could not be reached for comment.
Possible Black Widow Operating in New Never City
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New never News
Police believe a black widow may be stalking the wealthy men of New Never City. Readers may recall the death of famed local wrestler, John “The Beast” Breckner, six months ago. At that time, police felt his death was accidental, but new evidence has come to light that indicates cold-blooded murder.
In addition, a charming prince's untimely death four years ago in Cin City is now believed to be related, as a single red rose was found at both crime scenes.
Detective Nosy, cousin to the seven dwarfs, warns the men of New Never City to be on the lookout for Beauty aka Belle aka Bonita. She is considered enchanting and dangerous. Use caution when approaching her and do not propose! Report any sightings immediately.
Crime Beat, New never News
Police believe a black widow may be stalking the wealthy men of New Never City. Readers may recall the death of famed local wrestler, John “The Beast” Breckner, six months ago. At that time, police felt his death was accidental, but new evidence has come to light that indicates cold-blooded murder.
In addition, a charming prince's untimely death four years ago in Cin City is now believed to be related, as a single red rose was found at both crime scenes.
Detective Nosy, cousin to the seven dwarfs, warns the men of New Never City to be on the lookout for Beauty aka Belle aka Bonita. She is considered enchanting and dangerous. Use caution when approaching her and do not propose! Report any sightings immediately.
King’s Men Unable to Save Falling Man
by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News
The King Fire Department was called out to Nursery Rhyme Lane today, after reports were received of an obese, drunken man stumbling along on top of a tall stone wall lining the road. When they arrived, they found a group of children yelling “Humpty Dumpty sucks” and throwing rocks at him. He lost his balance and tumbled from the wall, breaking every bone in his body, save for the pinkie finger on his right hand. He was taken by ambulance to the King County Hospital, but the King’s men could not put Mr. Humpty together again. The children were taken into custody and police are considering charges.
There will be a sunny side up service this Friday at the King’s Horse Racetrack, where Mr. Humpty spent much of his time (and money), for all the good it did him.
Crime Beat, New Never News
The King Fire Department was called out to Nursery Rhyme Lane today, after reports were received of an obese, drunken man stumbling along on top of a tall stone wall lining the road. When they arrived, they found a group of children yelling “Humpty Dumpty sucks” and throwing rocks at him. He lost his balance and tumbled from the wall, breaking every bone in his body, save for the pinkie finger on his right hand. He was taken by ambulance to the King County Hospital, but the King’s men could not put Mr. Humpty together again. The children were taken into custody and police are considering charges.
There will be a sunny side up service this Friday at the King’s Horse Racetrack, where Mr. Humpty spent much of his time (and money), for all the good it did him.
Woman Expected to Arrive
by j.a. kazimer
Travel, New Never News
"Is that her?" they whisper in hushed voices.
Excited fans from all over New Never City wait for a brief glimpse of six white horses that will tell them of the arrival of the woman from the other side of the mountain. Hundreds have come out to greet her. When she comes.
Travel, New Never News
"Is that her?" they whisper in hushed voices.
Excited fans from all over New Never City wait for a brief glimpse of six white horses that will tell them of the arrival of the woman from the other side of the mountain. Hundreds have come out to greet her. When she comes.
Simple Simon Sought
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News
Local pieman told police he was accosted by New Never City resident, Simple Simon while attending the local fare. Police believe Simon is unarmed and not that dangerous. If you see Simon, make sure you sez, hi!
Crime Beat, New Never News
Local pieman told police he was accosted by New Never City resident, Simple Simon while attending the local fare. Police believe Simon is unarmed and not that dangerous. If you see Simon, make sure you sez, hi!
Three Men Arrested
by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyles, New Never News
Do I really have to say it?
Fine *sigh*
Rub a dub, dub,
Three men were arrested yesterday for indecency,
in a tub.
Lifestyles, New Never News
Do I really have to say it?
Fine *sigh*
Rub a dub, dub,
Three men were arrested yesterday for indecency,
in a tub.
Fundraiser for Sheep
by j.a. kazimer
New Never News
Little Bo Peep has organized a fundraiser for one of her sheep who's heroic battle with Alopecia resulted in a total lost of wool. Baa Baa is expected to recover with help from your donations of three bags full.
New Never News
Little Bo Peep has organized a fundraiser for one of her sheep who's heroic battle with Alopecia resulted in a total lost of wool. Baa Baa is expected to recover with help from your donations of three bags full.
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