Thank you to all those who followed us the last two days. The New Never News will donate $50 to our charities.
Please consider adding to our donation with one of your own. It will make your fairy godmother happy, and you know how she can be...
We hope you have a happy and safe end to 2010, and a wonderful 2011!
Homeless People In Need Want You to Follow Us
Day 2 of our charity drive. End the new year with a smile.
On December 31st,the New Never News will donate $1 to charity for every person who follows our blog in the next two days.
Charities include: The Denver Rescue Mission & Almost Home Pet Adoption, and a charity of our readers choice.
Follow us, and we'll give these charities a dollar. Not a hard choice, but one that will make someone in needs day, or save a kitten/puppy/hamsters life. What's there to lose?
To follow, click on one of the links below:
http://networkedblogs.com/followblog.php?name=NNN
http://www.blogger.com/follow-blog.g?blogID=5562759640368863971
Unless You Follow The New Never News, a Kitten Will Die
Now that I have your attention...
On December 31st,the New Never News will donate $1 to charity for every person who follows our blog in the next two days.
Charities include: The Denver Rescue Mission & Almost Home Pet Adoption, and a charity of our readers' choice.
This is an easy way to send The New Never News into bankruptcy (again) while giving to those in need, human and animal alike. Simply follow this blog, and if you can, leave a comment about what charity you would like the New Never News to support.
To follow, click on one of the links below:
http://networkedblogs.com/followblog.php?name=NNN
http://www.blogger.com/follow-blog.g?blogID=5562759640368863971
Letter to the Editor ~ WTF?
Dear Editor:
As a longtime reader of The New Never News, I am concerned with the current trend of scandalous/sensationalized rumors all too often presented to the reading public as news. These stories are nothing more than gossip and innuendo.
~ Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Duh.
~ The Editor
As a longtime reader of The New Never News, I am concerned with the current trend of scandalous/sensationalized rumors all too often presented to the reading public as news. These stories are nothing more than gossip and innuendo.
~ Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Duh.
~ The Editor
Beast Dumps Beauty for Bridget
By j.a. kazimer
Dating New Never News
In a surprise move, longtime beau, Beast, has dumped his girlfriend of five years for a woman known only as Bridget. Sources close to the couple say the breakup was a longtime in coming.
The couple is best known for their elaborate breakups including a 2008 incident in which a teacup called Chip received several fractures. This latest breakup comes after FMZ reported Beauty's alleged affair with her Beauty & The Birkenstock co-star, Jack. The affair apparently stated after Jack saved Beauty from choking on a magic bean.
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 7!!!!!!!
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love said to me,
Hey, aren't you Jewish?
Oops!
No matter what your holiday affiliation,
Happy Holidays from the New Never News!
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 6
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Six Grumpy Orgasms (I just wasn't in the mood)
A dwarf named Dwarf Diddy Dogg (Diddy Dirty Money aka, Sean Puffy Combs, P Diddy, etc, don't get any ideas, I've copyrighted the name) with five golden teeth
Four killer bluebirds
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Six Grumpy Orgasms (I just wasn't in the mood)
A dwarf named Dwarf Diddy Dogg (Diddy Dirty Money aka, Sean Puffy Combs, P Diddy, etc, don't get any ideas, I've copyrighted the name) with five golden teeth
Four killer bluebirds
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 5
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A dwarf named Dwarf Diddy Dogg (Diddy Dirty Money aka, Sean Puffy Combs, P Diddy, etc, don't get any ideas, I've copyrighted the name) with five golden teeth
Four killer bluebirds
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
Anybody else sick of this song yet? It's like that one that never ends...
This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 4
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Four killer bluebirds (not to be mistaken with the unladen African Swallow)
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
Help! My true love is plotting to kill me. Do something!
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 3
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Three little people riding a french poodle
Twin tired dwarfs
And a midget in a pear tree
As you can plainly see, my gifts are not getting any better. I'm thinking about finding a new true love...
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 2
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Twin tired dwarfs (Long day at the diamond mines)
And a midget in a pear tree
So now I have three more mouths to feed, mind you, they are small mouths, but still. What is my true love thinking? What about a nice hat for the holidays?
7 Dwarfs of Christmas ~ Day 1
by j.a. kazimer
Happy Holidays New Never News
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A midget in a pear tree.
Some gift, right?
I'm not even sure how my true love got a dwarf to climb a pear tree.
And the Winner Is...
The winner of yesterday's holiday gift card giveaway is: Bridget Hawthorn
Since that's not you, we'd still like to give you something. Something not quite as cool, but still, it's free. Other than our well wishes that is.
We'd like to give you a e-copy of j.a. kazimer's short story collection, Stolen Kidneys, Dead Hookers & Other Nursery Crimes.
To download, simply go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32375- and download a copy using the coupon code - GP36V. The offer is valid until 12/25.
Thanks to all who commented.
We wish you and your make believe family a very happy holiday!
Since that's not you, we'd still like to give you something. Something not quite as cool, but still, it's free. Other than our well wishes that is.
We'd like to give you a e-copy of j.a. kazimer's short story collection, Stolen Kidneys, Dead Hookers & Other Nursery Crimes.
To download, simply go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32375- and download a copy using the coupon code - GP36V. The offer is valid until 12/25.
Thanks to all who commented.
We wish you and your make believe family a very happy holiday!
Holiday Giveaway
The New Never News would like to thank our readers this holiday season by giving away a $20 Amazon Gift Card. To win, simply leave a comment about your favorite fairytale on this post and we'll select one lucky (who are we kidding, semi-lucky at best) winner. Not only will you win the gift card, but we'll also write a story featuring you in your ideal fairytale.
Sounds great huh? Well, maybe not great. Good at least... Okay, not as bad as a lump of coal.
So post below and WIN!!!!!
The winner will be announced on December 17, 2010.
An Apply a Day Responsible For Childhood Obesity?
By j.a. kazimer
Health Beat New Never News
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Bullshit!
The New Never News has uncovered the truth behind the lies perpetuated by the Apple Growers of New Never City. An apple a day won't keep a doctor away. We tried it. And unlike poison gas, it does not keep anyone, let alone, medical professionals away.
Be On the Lookout For Two Fat Kids
By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News
Vandals Sought in Property Destruction Case
Local baking legend, Eve Ilwich, has put up a reward of five hundred dollars, or fifteen batches of her award winning gingersnaps for information leading to the capture of the two children responsible for consuming her patented, one of a kind, life size gingerbread house.
Miss Ilwich completed her famous house just last week and was storing it in a secret part of the woods in preparation for the grand unveiling this Friday. According to her affidavit, she snuck out to her secret spot, planning to do some touchups on the porch, only to find that a large portion of the house had been consumed by two interloping children. Both of the children were still on the premises when she arrived, and the baker made a citizen’s arrest, locking them up while awaiting the police.
Unfortunately, Eve made one slight miscalculation. “They ate right through the licorice bars and were off before I knew it!”
Due to her poor eyesight, Miss Ilwich was unable to come up with a usable description of the two. “They were fat. Really, really fat. I mean, come on, they ate like thirty pounds of gingerbread, and that isn’t even mentioning all the frosting and candy.”
Anyone with information on the two suspects should contact the police immediately. The police warn against approaching the suspects as, “anyone who can eat that much in one sitting probably wouldn’t hesitate to bite your head right off.”
Love On the Lily Pad! Another Royal Sex Scandal!
By Ross D. Willard
Royal Beatdown New Never News
If it’s not one thing, it’s two others. At least that’s the way it seems to be going for the royal family these days.
The latest in a long string of lawsuits comes from, of all places, the swamp. The plaintiff, a Mr. K. Frog, alleges that he was sitting on a log after supper, singing, something that he claims ‘aides in the digestion,’ when, out of nowhere, he was accosted by a young woman.
The young woman in question, who, due to her young age, will remain nameless, set about “trying her damnedest to stick her tongue down my throat. I mean, really! A human tongue in my mouth? Disgusting!”
While the royal family is denying the media access to the young woman in question, both their attorneys, and the royal ‘spin doctors’ are already on the case. Sadly, the legal department and the social media department seem to be working quite independently of one another. Leaks from those close to the family seem to be focused on discrediting the plaintiff, claiming that he led the young woman on, convincing her that he was a prince under some kind of spell.
Legal representation for the young woman, however, appear to be building a case for cross-species sexual confusion, a highly controversial diagnosis that has many up in arms, including Mr. K. Frog himself, who is involved in a cross-species relationship of his own.
“They’re not just trying to get that little bimbo off the hook,” Mr. Frog’s long time girlfriend said, when asked, “They’re trying to make us look like freaks!”
Rabbit Goes Missing, Rumors of Police Negligence
By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News
Famed businessman and advisor, Thomas ‘White’ Rabbit is officially missing as of 6:37pm last night. A long time employee of the Red Queen, Thomas is perhaps best known for his perpetual tardiness due to a schedule so ridiculously packed that, as the Red Queen herself admitted, ‘no three people could handle the workload I give him.’
Mr. Rabbit’s disappearance is made all the more disturbing by the fact that it might have been preventable. According to sources inside the local police department, Mr. Rabbit made several calls to them regarding a possible stalker.
When pressed on the issue, police insist that the reports were ignored due to an issue of credibility. “His description of the woman following him varied radically every time.” One officer, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained. “Sometimes she was just a normal girl, next thing you knew, she was ten feet tall, then only a few inches. And when we asked if anyone else had seen her, the only names he could give us were from an alcoholic door mouse, and from a crazy homeless guy who sells paper hats for money when he isn’t institutionalized.”
All excuses aside, one thing is clear, if Mr. Rabbit isn’t found, and soon, the police will be explaining themselves to a jury, while Mrs. Rabbit, and her eighteen crying children look on.
This Little Piggy On Hunger Strike
By j.a. kazimer
World New Never News
Following in the beloved leader Gandhi's thin footsteps, the second youngest This Little Piggy, who is best known for his fight against pork chop abuse, declared a hunger strike effective immediately. He has had none of the roast beef his older brother recently 'purchased' from a man with a magic bag of beans. And will not eat, he states, "Until Tibet is freed from 'something'".
Local Animal Shelter Seeks Loving Homes. Adopter Beware!
By Ross D. Willard
Humanitarian & Pet Lover (Yew) New Never News
It’s getting close to Christmas, and, like every Christmas before, parents all over are asking themselves if this is the year to get their children that special gift that all children seem to want. A pet.
If you’re facing that decision, the local animal shelter on the corner of Never Road and Never Lane would like you to take a moment and consider swinging by and looking at their selection.
“A lot of people just don’t think about coming by here for a pet. They think that these animals are old, or used.” The manager of the shelter told us. “But there are a lot of advantages to picking up an animal here. For one thing, we’re a lot cheaper.”
That’s one point that even the local pet shops don’t contest. The twenty to fifty dollars that the animal shelter charges is less than a tenth of what local store owners insist on.
Not to mention, the animals at the shelter tend to be more grateful, at least, according to the ones we interviewed.
“Oh dear and holy Maker!” One booted cat howled at us as we passed by. “Get me out of here! I’ve already been in here for two days! If I’m not out by tomorrow, they’re going to kill me! They already took my balls! These people are Crazy!! I’ll do anything! Please! I’m begging you!”
More recently incarcerated residents were less vocal, but still clearly desperate.
“Let me start off by telling you, a lot of what they say about rats isn’t true,” insisted one of a trio of disabled mice. “I mean, they say we stink, right? Well, sure, the guys you meet who live in the sewers do: they live in the sewers! But us? We’re very clean. I mean, you know what they say about when you go blind all your other senses are enhanced, right? Well think about it! Would you go around stinking all day if you could smell yourself like that? Of course not!”
When asked about their second disability, their lack of tails, the three insisted that it was a misunderstanding at their last residence, and that they bear no ill will towards any human for what happened.
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary Found Beaten to Death with a Garden Hoe
By j.a. kazimer
Understandable New Never News
Mary Mary, of the Cin City Quite Contrary family, was found beaten to death last night in her garden inside her family's compound just off the Fairy Strip.
Some suggest her murder was a garden gnome mob hit, while others believe her contrary demeanor is responsible. Either way, we now all know now what makes her famous garden grow - Blood and Brain Matter.
Nimble Takes Gold
By j.a. kazimer
Sports New Never News
Jack-of-all-trades, Jack B. Nimble recently took first place gold in the Winter Oddlympics in the 12 Centimeter Candlestick Jump. Eyewitnesses state, "He was nimble and quick, and then he jumped over the candlestick. It was amazing!"
City Council Meeting on Banning Brooms ~ Cinderella Shocked!
By Ross D. Willard
Local Politics New Never News
I know, I know, the meetings are long, boring, and they still haven’t fixed the air conditioner, but if you own a broomstick, you’re going to want to make it to the next townhall meeting.
Let’s face it, New Never City is growing, and as the city gets bigger, problems that never came up before are now normal. There was a time when a flying pig could do loop de loops through the center of town with a blindfold on and nobody would bat an eye, but times have changed, and the sky that was once clear as far as the eye could see is now perpetually filled with witches on the way to work, flying livestock, even the occasional flying car.
While the city isn’t ready to put up floating cones and traffic signals, the increasing number of mid-air collisions and close calls had attracted the attention of authorities, and the meeting this weekend is meant to lay the groundwork for the changes that need to come. So if you commute to work on a broom, cloud, or winged shoes, or if you know someone who does, don’t let your voice go unheard.
Courts Cow-Towing to Cuteness?
By Ross D. Willard
Court Reporter New Never News
The gavel has banged, and the verdict is in, but even with as the defendant was led away in cuffs, the victims were questioning the impartiality of the judge.
Goldie Locks was found guilty of criminal trespass, theft, and vandalism after a jury deliberation of less than five minutes. The evidence, according to one juror, who wished to remain unnamed, was, in a word, overwhelming. “They had fingerprints, video from the nanny-cam, hell, she was still sound asleep when the police showed up, they don’t get more open and closed that that!”
But despite the guilty verdict, the 17 year old offender is going to be spending less than a week in jail.
“Fifty hours of community service!” Pa Bear could be heard to shout. “I got more than that for public urination!”
Indeed, the sentence does seem remarkably light, especially considering the video, which showed young Goldie stumbling around throughout the house, and even vomiting into Baby Bears toy chest. And the question of why testimony from partygoers regarding Goldie’s alleged drug usage and alcohol binging were barred have not been answered.
Ma Bear has her theories, “I’ll tell you what happened: She shook her little butt and batted her little eyes and suddenly she was just a mischievous little girl. It’s speciesism, that’s what it is, plain and simple. If one of us came crashing through a human’s front door and started digging through your pantry and snuggling down in your bed, we’d be put down!”
The sentiment was echoed by many of the local forest animals. Others stressed the need to lock their doors up tight.
Georgie Porgie Arrested for Sexual Assault
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Long time New Never City resident, Georgie Porgie was arrested last night for sexual assault after he kissed a girl, made her cry, and then pulled down his pants and ran away when a group of boys came out to play.
Bail has been set at a puddin' and a pie.
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