Reporter Has Nervous Breakdown...Sort Of

From The Nervous Breakdown:

Imagine that Cinderella’s been murdered, distracted by a bluebird and run over by a truck in New Never City. Now imagine her stepsister calling on Rumpelstiltskin (stripped of his villainy as punishment for rage issues) to investigate. This is the premise of J.A. Kazimer’s Curses!: A F**cked Up Fairy Tale.

Cinderella’s stepsister Asia, believing her sister’s death to be a case of foul play, shows up at what she thinks is Sherlock Holmes’s door. Only, he hasn’t lived there for a while, not since RJ, as Rumpel prefers to be called, stuffed him into the chimney and took over the residence. Asia, much better-looking then the original story had led us to believe, convinces RJ to help, but really he’s just doing it in hopes that she’ll sleep with him.

As the two dig deeper into Cindi’s untimely death, everyone becomes suspect: Prince Charming; the butler; Dru, the second and not-so-pretty stepsister; even Asia.

Blending favorite fairy tale characters with today’s cultural references and sensibilities, Curses! flips the childhood staple on its head to create a wholly adult, and highly entertaining, reading experience.

READ FULL INTERVIEW AT:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ggantz/2012/03/interview-with-j-a-kazimer-author-of-curses-a-fcked-up-fairy-tale/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=interview-with-j-a-kazimer-author-of-curses-a-fcked-up-fairy-tale

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D

by Shannon Lawrence

Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,

Girls cry when I kiss them. It’s so upsetting that I’ve become addicted to pie in order to self-medicate. Now, not only do I not have a girl, but my weight has ballooned. What can I do?

Georgie Porgie

Dear “Puddin’ N’ Pie” Georgie,

Invest in some mints and eat your vegetables.

The Wizard

Book Signing in Boulder CO

Come see New Never News reporter, j.a. kazimer, as she signs her New Never City celebrity tell-all at Barnes & Noble in Boulder, CO.

Signing starts at 11am on March 10.

Barnes & Noble Booksellers
2195 Pearl Street
Boulder, CO
March 10, 2012 - 11am

The Real Housewives of Disney

F***ed Up Events for March

Reporter j.a. kazimer will be at the following events signing copies of her celebrity tell-all CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE.

Booksigning with Cindi Myers & j.a. kazimer

March 3, 2012 - 3pm

Broadway Book Mall

200 S. Broadway

Denver 303-744-BOOK (2665)

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Booksigning - MARCH 10, 2012

March 10 - 11AM

Barnes & Noble Bookstore

2915 Pearl St

Boulder, CO (303) 442-1665

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Booksigning - MARCH 17, 2012

March 17 - 11AM

Barnes & Noble Bookstore

701 E. 120th Avenue
Thornton, CO 80233
720-872-2619

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Booksigning - March 25, 2012

March 25 - 11AM

Barnes & Noble Bookstore

960 S Colorado Blvd
Glendale, CO 80246
303-691-2999

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Left Coast Crime Conference - March 29 - April 1, 2012

FORENSICS - Forensics and Mysteries Go Hand in Hand
DP Lyle, MD, Jan Burke, Steve Scarborough, JA Kazimer, George Fong
SATURDAY March 31, 2012 - 1:30 PM

CURSES! Book Signing at Broadway Book Mall

Join me for a CURSES! Book Signing at the Broadway Book Mall!

When: March 3, 2012 - 3PM
Where: Broadway Book Mall, 200 S. Broadway, Denver CO

Free swag and CURSES Cookies for all.

And the best part, the fabulous Cindi Myers will also be signing her newest release, The Woman Who Loved Jesse James.

CURSES! Book Launch

If you are in the Denver, CO area, drop in for the CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE Book Launch Party at the Mercury Cafe (2199 California Street, Denver CO) tonight at 7pm.

Wear a tiara or your finest princely ware, eat some free snacks, drink some beers, and watch live entertainment as the finalist of the Incite Denver Contest embarrass themselves on stage for a chance to meet a NY agent.

Free giveaways and swag for all, plus I'm going to let you all EAT CAKE!!!!

February 29, 2012
Mercury Cafe, 7PM

New Never City Tell-All

Pick up a copy of New Never News reporter, j.a. kazimer's fairy tale tell-all, CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE today!

* Learn who murdered Cinderella and why
* Find out which fairy tale prince is more tale than fairy
* Hear secrets only a villain would know about your favorite fairy tale celebrities

Buy CURSES at amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, or wherever books are sold.

Hundreds Mourn After Princess' Death

Hundreds Mourn After Princess' Death
by j.a. kazimer


Hundreds of mourners arrived at Grimm's Cemetery for the funeral of famed princess, Cinderella, who was struck down by the Fairy-Second Street Bus on Saturday. Her fiance, Prince Charming, appeared inconsolable and had to be helped from the graveside by a gaggle of extremely well dressed and good-looking young men.

The only relative not in attendance was Asia, Cinderella's estranged and ugly stepsister.

STDs on the Rise

STDs on the Rise
by j.a. kazimer
Your Health, New Never News

The New Never City Health Department is concerned about the recent rise of STDs in the city. Officials report a rash of cases of facial warts among young, unmarried women. They believe the infections are a direct result of princess-on-frog contact.

Princesses looking for love are asked to practice safe sex.

If you are a princess or suspect that you've been exposed to a princess with frog breath, please seek immediate treatment at the local New Never City Health Clinic for a dose of Compound-W.

New Never City's Top Villain Contest

by j.a. kazimer

Are you evil to the core? Does your own mother cringe when you call? If so, the Villainous Union wants you. You will travel to far and a way kingdoms, seeing the world one evil deed at a time, while unhelping others.

Join the Villainous Union and be as evil as you can be!

*Do-gooders need not apply.

Call 1-800-PRINCE-CHARMING-ASKED-FOR-IT to apply.

Wedding Promises to be an Ugly Affair

Wedding of the Century Promises to be an Ugly Affair
by j.a. kazimer
Wedded Bliss, New Never News

The photographer for the upcoming nuptuals of Cinderella to Prince Charming has quit after taking the 'pre-wedding' family photograph, declaring, "Those ugly faces broke my camera."

The royal family had no comment, but did invest in a bundle of paper bags.

An Interview with ME!

Chiseled in Rock Star, Janet Fogg, interviews little ole me for the ROCK today. I promise that after reading this, you will wonder two things... But I refuse to tell you what they are!

Chiseled in Rock: Chiseled Author j.a. kazimer is Interviewed!: By Janet Fogg We’ve been asked, so today we’re offering answers to questions such as: Chiseled Staff? Are they really that chiseled? Are th...

Me? Inappropriate? Really?

Me? Inappropriate? Really?

Apparently so, according to the the moral majority of the WESTMINSTER WINDOW (for those who aren't aware of this upstanding newspaper, you aren't alone. Hell, most of the residents in the small community of Westminster, Colorado don't know about it either) has declared my book, CURSES! A F***ed Up Fairy Tale (not that they've read it, but judging a book by the cover is always the best indicator of moral content) inappropriate for their readers. They are a family newspaper after all, or so the editor who canceled the interview claimed.

Now I'm not annoyed because I took a day off work to do this interview, with a very nice reporter named Ashley, nope, my anger comes from this newspaper's shallow view of their readership. So my book implies the F-Bomb in the title. Big deal. Paris Hilton had a sex tape. Miley Cyrus smokes pot (allegedly). I bet even Tim Tebow has dropped an f-bomb or two (or not).

Hell, I'm sure over 3/4 of Westminster residents are, if not very familiar at least acquainted with, the word FUCK. Those who aren't live in the Amish part of Westminster.

Win a ARC of CURSES!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Curses! A F**ked Up Fairytale

by J.A. Kazimer

Giveaway ends February 29, 2012.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

Pay the Piper Today!

Pest Removal
by Shannon Lawrence

Have pests infiltrated your home? Can’t sit on a tuffet without a spider giving you a hard time? Talking mice judging your cooking? Sprites? Faeries? Creepy Crawlies?
Call the Pied Piper Exterminators! We’ll get rid of pests, both magical and mundane, for a song.

1-800-FLTUEIT

Obituary for This Little Piggy

Obituary for This Little Piggy
By j.a. kazimer
Death Writer New Never News

A sad day for the Little Piggy Family as the eldest, and biggest piggy succumbed to salmonella poisoning after eating some tainted roast beef. This Little Piggy was best known for his skill at marketing. He will be missed.

In other news, The Butcher has a sale on pork chops. Buy one and get a second one, half price. Supplies are limited.

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.
by Shannon Lawrence

Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,

My wife and I have a problem. I find I’m unable to eat any fatty foods without becoming ill, while my wife needs fat to be able to digest her meals. We’ve seen multiple doctors who have all said no such ailments exist. Have you heard of anything like this? Is there anything we can do?

Jack Sprat

Dear “No Fat” Jack,

What’s the big deal? There are plenty of non-fat foods out there for you, and tons of fatty foods for your wife. Instead of obsessing over what you can’t eat, eat what you can and stop complaining.

The Wizard

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News


Who says money can buy everything? Affluent New Never resident, Mr.
Toad, was jailed last night for street racing on Grimm’s highway. The
thrill seeking Toad lost control of his motorcar and veered into the
carriage lane, colliding with a pumpkin shortly after midnight. A
bruised squash was the only injury reported and Mr. Toad posted bail
early this morning with the help of his good friend Mr. Badger.

“He’s not a bad lad,” said Badger. “He just loves a good thrill.”

Mr. Toad has checked himself into The Willows Rehab Center in an
attempt to change his thrill seeking ways and avoid anything more than
a fifteen-minute jail sentence.
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Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault

Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

New Never City Police arrested a young lady yesterday after an incident at the New Never City Zoo. The charge? Unlawful Sexual Contact. Eyewitnesses claim the young maiden was seen kissing random wildlife. When approached by police, she refused to drop her horny toady victim and was subsequently tased by officers. Other than a lipstick stain, the toad appeared unharmed after the attack.