Me? Inappropriate? Really?

Me? Inappropriate? Really?

Apparently so, according to the the moral majority of the WESTMINSTER WINDOW (for those who aren't aware of this upstanding newspaper, you aren't alone. Hell, most of the residents in the small community of Westminster, Colorado don't know about it either) has declared my book, CURSES! A F***ed Up Fairy Tale (not that they've read it, but judging a book by the cover is always the best indicator of moral content) inappropriate for their readers. They are a family newspaper after all, or so the editor who canceled the interview claimed.

Now I'm not annoyed because I took a day off work to do this interview, with a very nice reporter named Ashley, nope, my anger comes from this newspaper's shallow view of their readership. So my book implies the F-Bomb in the title. Big deal. Paris Hilton had a sex tape. Miley Cyrus smokes pot (allegedly). I bet even Tim Tebow has dropped an f-bomb or two (or not).

Hell, I'm sure over 3/4 of Westminster residents are, if not very familiar at least acquainted with, the word FUCK. Those who aren't live in the Amish part of Westminster.

Win a ARC of CURSES!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Curses! A F**ked Up Fairytale

by J.A. Kazimer

Giveaway ends February 29, 2012.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

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Pay the Piper Today!

Pest Removal
by Shannon Lawrence

Have pests infiltrated your home? Can’t sit on a tuffet without a spider giving you a hard time? Talking mice judging your cooking? Sprites? Faeries? Creepy Crawlies?
Call the Pied Piper Exterminators! We’ll get rid of pests, both magical and mundane, for a song.

1-800-FLTUEIT

Obituary for This Little Piggy

Obituary for This Little Piggy
By j.a. kazimer
Death Writer New Never News

A sad day for the Little Piggy Family as the eldest, and biggest piggy succumbed to salmonella poisoning after eating some tainted roast beef. This Little Piggy was best known for his skill at marketing. He will be missed.

In other news, The Butcher has a sale on pork chops. Buy one and get a second one, half price. Supplies are limited.

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.
by Shannon Lawrence

Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,

My wife and I have a problem. I find I’m unable to eat any fatty foods without becoming ill, while my wife needs fat to be able to digest her meals. We’ve seen multiple doctors who have all said no such ailments exist. Have you heard of anything like this? Is there anything we can do?

Jack Sprat

Dear “No Fat” Jack,

What’s the big deal? There are plenty of non-fat foods out there for you, and tons of fatty foods for your wife. Instead of obsessing over what you can’t eat, eat what you can and stop complaining.

The Wizard

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News


Who says money can buy everything? Affluent New Never resident, Mr.
Toad, was jailed last night for street racing on Grimm’s highway. The
thrill seeking Toad lost control of his motorcar and veered into the
carriage lane, colliding with a pumpkin shortly after midnight. A
bruised squash was the only injury reported and Mr. Toad posted bail
early this morning with the help of his good friend Mr. Badger.

“He’s not a bad lad,” said Badger. “He just loves a good thrill.”

Mr. Toad has checked himself into The Willows Rehab Center in an
attempt to change his thrill seeking ways and avoid anything more than
a fifteen-minute jail sentence.
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Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault

Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

New Never City Police arrested a young lady yesterday after an incident at the New Never City Zoo. The charge? Unlawful Sexual Contact. Eyewitnesses claim the young maiden was seen kissing random wildlife. When approached by police, she refused to drop her horny toady victim and was subsequently tased by officers. Other than a lipstick stain, the toad appeared unharmed after the attack.

Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition

Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition
by Shannon Lawrence

Several teens were hospitalized yesterday after partaking of the illegal, and often deadly, drug Fairy Dust. Witnesses say the youths climbed the infamous Humpty Dumpty Wall and yelled “We can fly, we can fly, we can fly” before leaping off, arms outstretched. The teens remain in critical condition at Fairy Tale General.
Fairy Dust is known for causing hallucinations and delusions of grandeur, and has become a large problem for New Never City’s police force. Sources say it comes out of Neverland, but there has not been a successful raid, to date, as the officers sent in never return. Odd notes have been received by family members, signed by the Wild Boyz, and stating that the officers are happier in Neverland.

A slight man dressed in all green is being sought for questioning as a person of interest, possibly the dealer who sold the youths the Fairy Dust. Our investigation turned up a prostitute who was dressed as a pirate and called herself Hook. “This whole situation is a ticking time bomb,” she stated. “You can practically hear the ticking. No, wait, really, do you hear that?”

If you have any information on Fairy Dust or local dealers, please contact the local police department.

Asthma Blamed for Death of Three Little Pigs

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

Last night, the New Never City Corner officially ruled the death of the Three Little Pigs to be an accident. For those who don't read the New Never News regularly, all Three Little Pigs were killed last month when their brick house exploded after faced with gale force winds.

The New Never City Police suspected foul play, after a witness came forward claiming he'd seen a big and slightly bad guy with lots of hair huffing and puffing near the pigs' home.

Police soon detained The Big Bad Wolf on suspicion of Pigacide, but released him shortly after.

Detective Goldie Locks was unavailable for comment at this time.

Talking Animals Trapped in Brer Park; PAC Called in by Police

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News

Police responding to a noise complaint in Brer Park were forced to call in the Paranormal Animal Control Unit (PAC) when they discovered a talking fox and his equally talented bear companion ensnared in the briar patch. It took several hours to free them, but they were ultimately able to scamper back into the wild, none the worse for their experience.

Police also report what may be a lost pet rabbit. Witnesses claim that said rabbit appeared to be laughing and pointing. If you have lost a rabbit with a sadistic sense of humor and think he may belong to you, please contact PAC with a description. Be prepared to provide a photograph.

Dwarfs Arrested After Short Fight

By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News

After a violent brawl in Easter Egg Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and a short battle soon ensued.

Doc, Dopey and Sneezie White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness. Bail is set for $10,000. A little amount, declared the Jolly Green District Attorney.

Old Mother Hubbard Committed

by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat

Old Mother Hubbard of New Never City’s Bare Cupboard District has been
committed to psychiatric treatment after complaints of her roaming the
streets mumbling and aloof.

“The poor dog, the poor dog, all she ever talks about is what she
needs to fetch for that poor dog,” one passerby commented.

In fact, Old Mother Hubbard frequents the District’s businesses many
times a day for her poor dog, even appearing delusional. Many business
owners have voiced concern for her in the past, citing her stories of
the poor dog smoking, dancing, goat riding, cat feeding, and even
dressing in clothes.

“Old Mother Hubbard is a little mixed up right now,” the doctor in
charge of the dame’s psych unit reported. “Once we get her to
understand the correct concept of “fetch”, she will be free to go.
That is, of course, the dog is to do the fetching.”

Meanwhile, the poor dog has been left to tend for himself.

Multiple Monkeys Hospitalized

by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News

In a horrifying weekend mishap, five little monkeys jumping on a bed have been hospitalized after one by one they fell off and bumped their heads. Zookeepers at the New Never City Zoo were unavailable for comment as to how the actual accident occurred, but rumors of counting sheep involvement persist.

Old Woman Arrested - Shoe Confiscated

By j.a. kazimer
New Never News Crime Beat

Hard times for all, but especially in the Kingdom of Maldetto where the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe was recently arrested in a child labor sting. She is accused of using child labor to weave knock off handbags in her shoe. Authorities quickly confiscated the shoe, leaving the Old Woman and her brood of kids with one option, move into section swamp housing.

When asked, the woman responded, "I just don't know what to do!"

Domestic Disturbance at Snow White’s

by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News

All the King’s Men were dispatched late last night to the third block
of New Never City’s Poison Apple Lane. Information is sketchy, but a
source close to the investigation tells us a neighbor reported hearing
loud shouts and ruckuses coming from Snow White’s cottage just before
the mouse ran up the clock.

The neighbor, identified by New Never News as “a mysterious old
woman,” claims Snow White’s tenants, seven surly dwarves, were to
blame. “One girl, seven men, it just couldn’t last,” the source
commented.

Snow White remains in hospital care, her condition listed as the
fairest of them all. Six of the dwarves, Bashful, Doc, Sneezy, Happy,
Grumpy, and Doppy, are being held without bond pending trial. Sleepy,
the only dwarf not involved, could not be reached for comment.

Chance of Falling Sky

By Shannon Lawrence
Weather, New Never News

In weather news today, our rival paper, Chicken Little Gazette, grossly over-exaggerated reports that the sky was falling. You can expect more rain and possibly some hail, but the sky will remain intact. No need to cancel your travel plans.

Red Hooded Serial Killer Strikes Again

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News


The eighth victim of the red-hooded serial murderer was found in a wooded lot behind a nursing home over the weekend. The body is believed to be that of a baker reported missing a week ago. All the victims were located within one mile of the Little Red Senior Living Center. The police have no suspects in any of the crimes, but urge the public (especially those of the wolf race) to take extra precautions when wandering into the enchanted forest. A basket of goodies is being offered as a reward for any information leading to an arrest.

Little Boy Blue Not So Little Or Blue

by j.a. kazimer
Health, New Never News

Doctors discovered a cure for teenage depression over the weekend~Growing up. That's right. 100% of teenagers who grew up reported almost no symptoms of teenage depression. Of course, at least 80% are miserable adults, but science can't fix everything.

Mirror Mirror Heads Back to Rehab

By j.a. kazimer
Entertainment, New Never News


After years of living life on the bathroom vanity, Mirror, Mirror On the Wall is once again headed back for treatment. The famed fixture claims his addiction stems from lifelong fear of disappointing the women in his life. "Do you know how hard it is to lie to women every day for years? Who's the fairest of them all? Not you, sugar. Your butts the size of Prince Charming's ego and your face resembles the ugly stepsister's baby picture."

Old Woman Arrested for Running a Brothel

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

An old woman from the Prada side of town was arrested last night during a raid by New Never City police. The arrest came after police discovered what appeared to be an illegal brothel being run out of the old woman's home. Police took numerous socks in for questioning.