By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
A fifth unidentified victim in the red hooded serial killer case was found in a field off the Mother Goose Freeway. Police are stumped. If you have any information about the victim, a wolf wearing large woman's underwear also known as granny panties, police ask you to contact them.
Ugly Duckling Kills Two at Zoo
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Troubled duckling was arrested last night following the murder of two swans at the New Never City Zoo. When questioned, the duckling responded, "Who's ugly now, bitch?"
Happy VD Day
by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News
BECAUSE WE CARE!
An apple a day might keep the doctor away, but your significant other might kill you. Remember on this holiest of holidays, fruit doesn't replace condoms when it comes to STD protection.
Happy Valentine's Day!
What? You Don't Like Free Gift Cards?
Time is slowly running out to enter the February drawing for a $20 gift card from Amazon or Barnes & Noble. All's you have to do to win is submit your name and email address at http://www.jakazimer.com.
Not only will you be entered into this month's contest, but you'll have a shot to win a fabulous prize (bear in mind how subjective the term fabulous really is) each month.
What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation...
Mystique Roadshow Comes to Town
By Ross D. Willard
TV New Never News
We’ve all seen an episode or two, and everyone has dreamed of finding out that old pot they found in the attic is actually an antique. Well, the time has come to dig up those old relics your great grandfather passed down just before he passed away, and make your way to the Cutlass Convention Center, because the rumors are true, Mystique Roadshow has come to town!
From sword experts to professional gemologists, you’ll be hard pressed to bring anything in that they don’t have an expert in. And you never know what trinket you might be holding onto that’s worth its weight in gold. Or more.
“I’ve been eating my curds and wey out of this bowl for years!” Miss Muffet told us with a bewildered smile on her face. “I knew my mother used the same bowl, and her mother, but to find out that it dates back almost three hundred years! I just can’t believe it!”
But for every story of treasure found, there are a dozen, heartbreaking, near misses.
“Even in this condition, he said that an intact piece was worth a king’s ransom. But with the genie missing, apparently it’s almost completely worthless.” One young woman told us with a sad smile on her face. “Grandpa Aladdin never was very good at keeping things up, but letting that Genie go? Sometimes I can’t believe how irresponsible he could be.”
Lottery Winner Celebrates in Style
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. Then she won the lottery, and everything changed.
“Are you kidding me? I can finally afford to put them through college. I mean, not all of them are going to college, of course, Rick and Michael are both apprenticing as plumbers already, and they seem to like it. Tina, Trixi and Roxanne will put anything I give them towards starting that restaurant. Sam, Jordan, Kayla and Mirriam are trying to get that band of theirs off the ground, while Lisa, Harry, George and Bobbi are almost done with trade school. Carrie and Michelle are both getting married, so I guess I can help with the wedding now. But for the rest of them? Oh, yeah, it’s going into college funds.”
And for herself?
“Well,” the little old lady blushed, “I have to admit, living in this boot has gotten a little old. I was looking at a nice, strapless stiletto on the other side of town.”
City Council to Debate Zoning Restrictions
By Ross D. Willard
City Desk New Never News
The New Never City Council is scheduled to have an open hearing tonight. Among the topics on the agenda is a possible reexamination of zoning definitions. At stake? The deference between a large garden and a small farm.
“It’s about time. We at the home owner’s association have been pushing for this discussion for three years.”
And what prompted this three year quest? What else, but an eighty foot beanstalk.
“When my son brought home those beans, I had no idea that they anything but your standard, every day bean-pole beans,” Ms. Black told us. “But once I found out what they really were, the first thing I did was clear out the rest of my garden, to make sure I would be in compliance with the square footage limitations.
“It’s eight stories high!” Countered Mrs. Green. “It’s a farm, it just happens to be a vertical farm instead of horizontal.”
With passions as high as these, tonight’s meeting promises to be entertaining, no matter what the decision.
City Desk New Never News
The New Never City Council is scheduled to have an open hearing tonight. Among the topics on the agenda is a possible reexamination of zoning definitions. At stake? The deference between a large garden and a small farm.
“It’s about time. We at the home owner’s association have been pushing for this discussion for three years.”
And what prompted this three year quest? What else, but an eighty foot beanstalk.
“When my son brought home those beans, I had no idea that they anything but your standard, every day bean-pole beans,” Ms. Black told us. “But once I found out what they really were, the first thing I did was clear out the rest of my garden, to make sure I would be in compliance with the square footage limitations.
“It’s eight stories high!” Countered Mrs. Green. “It’s a farm, it just happens to be a vertical farm instead of horizontal.”
With passions as high as these, tonight’s meeting promises to be entertaining, no matter what the decision.
Are You Ready for Some Football?
By Ross D. Willard
Sports New Never News
Grudge Match!
It only happens once a year, but when it happens, the world stands still. Well, maybe not the whole world, but the Humpty district of New Never certainly does hold it’s breath.
Tonight is the annual grudge match football game between heated rivals, All the King’s Horses Academy, and All the King’s Men Highschool. Though neither team is likely to end up in this years championship, tonight’s competition is expected to be the most well attended game of the year, and New Never’s police force is sending several extra units to prevent any more ‘incident’s’ similar to the unfortunate car flipping spree of last year.
What started this bitter rivalry, nobody can remember, but one thing is certain, it’ll take more than a simple football game to put Humpty District back together again.
Wicked Witch Dies After Fall of Housing Market
By j.a. kazimer
Business New Never News
In spite of all indicators, the recession is not over. Just ask the Wicked Witch of the West, who was killed today when a house, recently foreclosed on by the mayor of munchkin, fell on top of her. The house was driven by a illegal immigrant from Kansas.
The wicked witch's sister, Glenda the Good stated, "We knew it was coming, but it was still a shock. I mean, really, a house? What kind of person drops a house on someone?"
The Wicked Witch's next of kin, The Wizard, was unavailable for comment.
Singing Mermaid Washed Up
By j.a. kazimer
Where Are They Now? New Never News
A fisherman made a gruesome discovery this morning - the body of famed singer, The Little Mermaid, who apparently washed ashore following high tide. By the large gouge marks marring her throat, police suspect foul play. An autopsy scheduled for tomorrow will confirm. Her manager, Captain Hook, could not be reached for comment.
Meter Maidens Claim Sexual Harassment
By j.a. kazimer
Legal News New Never News
All over New Never City, Meter Maidens are quitting, claiming sexual harassment at the hands of New Never City Parking Comissioner, Jolly Green-Gaint. Former Meter Maiden, Snow White states, "He stands around, saying things like, 'Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant' and then waggles his leafy eyebrows. It's disgusting."
The mayor of New Never City is looking into the allegations.
Legal News New Never News
All over New Never City, Meter Maidens are quitting, claiming sexual harassment at the hands of New Never City Parking Comissioner, Jolly Green-Gaint. Former Meter Maiden, Snow White states, "He stands around, saying things like, 'Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant' and then waggles his leafy eyebrows. It's disgusting."
The mayor of New Never City is looking into the allegations.
WIN $20 Gift Card
The New Never News in connection with reporter, j.a. kazimer, will be giving away a monthly prize to anyone who enters the contest at http://www.jakazimer.com/.
This month's prize is a $20 Gift Card.
Enter once and you're eligible to win any prize.
This month's prize is a $20 Gift Card.
Enter once and you're eligible to win any prize.
This Little Piggy Arrested For Public Urination
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
The youngest brother of the This Little Piggy family was arrested this afternoon after going wee-wee-wee all the way home. Police received numerous complaints from neighbors following the alleged peeing incident.
Captain Smee of the New Never City PD stated, "When units arrived on scene, they noticed a thin trail of urine leading all the way to the Piggy house. Following the...um...lead, police arrested the youngest piggy."
One neighbor angrily shouted, "What's this city coming to? Our brick road used to be white, but now look at it..."
Mother Arrested For Child...Um...Abuse?
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
A mother was arrested today after firefighters located her newborn baby in a tree top. The baby appeared unharmed, but firefighters were concerned over the possibility of the bough breaking, and the baby falling, and then down would come baby, landing on his squishy newborn head.
Fire at the Clock Plant, Midnight Believed to be the Cause
By j.a. kazimer
Arson New Never News
A fire overnight at the Clock Factory caused extensive damage, but no reports of lives lost. Well, with the exception of one, little mouse. Who witness, Hickory Dickory of the New Never City Dorks, said, ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, causing the friction blamed for starting the blaze.
Family members could not be reached for comment, as they are away attending a seminar for the blind.
Letter to the Editor ~ Didn't Ask, So Why Tell?
Letter to the Editor
New Never News
Hey Diddle Diddle,
A Cat and a Fiddle? Really? Isn't this the sort of thing proponents of the same-silverware ban were talking about? Where's it stop? Next you'll be telling me a cow jumped over the moon, and there's a video of it available at the local library. What's happened to our great city?
~ A Spoon
Dear Spoon:
:P
~ The Editor
New Never News
Hey Diddle Diddle,
A Cat and a Fiddle? Really? Isn't this the sort of thing proponents of the same-silverware ban were talking about? Where's it stop? Next you'll be telling me a cow jumped over the moon, and there's a video of it available at the local library. What's happened to our great city?
~ A Spoon
Dear Spoon:
:P
~ The Editor
Sheep Busted in Counterfeiting Operation
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Baa Baa Black Sheep will spend eight years in the federal pen ordered Judge Mary following his conviction by a jury of Judge Mary's Little Lambs on three counts of counterfeiting after a sting recorded Baa Baa selling knock-off bags of wool.
Baa Baa claimed the sting was entrapment. "I told the dude I didn't have any wool, but he insisted...." Baa Baa told the court at his sentencing.
The Pauper Declares Bankruptcy
By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News
A sad day for New Never City. The economic downturn resulted in budgets cuts city wide, including a reduction in Henchman, Fire-ants, and Happily Ever Afters. But, in a surprise move, the city's famed Pauper, has declared bankruptcy.
When we asked his friend, the Prince, for comment, he said, "Who? A pauper? Why would I know this poor person?"
Virtuoso Denied Entrance to Club
By Ross D. Willard
Lifestyles New Never News
“It’s more than just an insult, it’s a slap in the face to musicians and performers everywhere.”
The comment, directed at the owners of Studio 65, came after an incident last night when the famed trumpeter and virtuoso ‘Little Boy Blue’ was refused access to the club. Onlookers reported that the doorman to the club told the trumpeter to ‘get lost’ and ‘to blow his horn’ after the performer repeatedly asked to be allowed in.
Ironically, at one point during the altercation, Mr. Blue’s music could clearly be heard playing in the club.
Management insists that the incident was an unfortunate misunderstanding, but representatives of Mr. Blue say that it will take more than simple lip service to put this situation to rest.
Lifestyles New Never News
“It’s more than just an insult, it’s a slap in the face to musicians and performers everywhere.”
The comment, directed at the owners of Studio 65, came after an incident last night when the famed trumpeter and virtuoso ‘Little Boy Blue’ was refused access to the club. Onlookers reported that the doorman to the club told the trumpeter to ‘get lost’ and ‘to blow his horn’ after the performer repeatedly asked to be allowed in.
Ironically, at one point during the altercation, Mr. Blue’s music could clearly be heard playing in the club.
Management insists that the incident was an unfortunate misunderstanding, but representatives of Mr. Blue say that it will take more than simple lip service to put this situation to rest.
Where Are They Now? The Little Engine That Could But Didn't
By Ross D. Willard
Where Are There Now? New Never News
Everyone remembers the story of Ernie Engine, the ‘Little Engine that Could’ and the story of the day he made history by pulling one of the largest loads in history over the very tall hill. What most people don’t know about, or those who do know don’t talk much about, is what happened after that.
In anticipation of the fiftieth anniversary of Ernie’s journey, I hunted down that little engine, and what I found horrified me.
Ernie Engine isn’t in any museum, nor is he in an old engine home. Today, Ernie Engine is rusting away in an abandoned old railway yard, a few feet away from a caboose who gives out wheel jobs in exchange for coal, and the hollowed out remains of an old dining car.
“It’s my own fault.” Ernie coughs out, when I ask him what happened. “I had so much going for me. Endorsement deals, job offers. I could have had anything I wanted.”
Unfortunately for Ernie, what he wanted was to experiment.
“I got hooked up with the wrong crowd, loose cabooses, engines that smoked ‘questionable coal.’ And, yeah, I did some things I shouldn’t have. I guess I just figured, you know, I could quit when I wanted, and that my options would still be open.”
But things change, even for the most famous engine in the world. Wheels that once shone are now rusty, a chimney that used to be cleaned every day is almost completely blocked by soot, and Ernie hasn’t been oiled in years.
Eyeing the tall hill, just visible from his place in what amounts to a junkyard, Ernie contemplates, “Time was, I could pull anything over that hill. These days the real question is if I could pull my own self over it.”
When asked whether he could or not, Ernie replied, “Well, I think I can.”
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