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Asthma Blamed for Death of Three Little Pigs

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

Last night, the New Never City Corner officially ruled the death of the Three Little Pigs to be an accident. For those who don't read the New Never News regularly, all Three Little Pigs were killed last month when their brick house exploded after faced with gale force winds.

The New Never City Police suspected foul play, after a witness came forward claiming he'd seen a big and slightly bad guy with lots of hair huffing and puffing near the pigs' home.

Police soon detained The Big Bad Wolf on suspicion of Pigacide, but released him shortly after.

Detective Goldie Locks was unavailable for comment at this time.

Talking Animals Trapped in Brer Park; PAC Called in by Police

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News

Police responding to a noise complaint in Brer Park were forced to call in the Paranormal Animal Control Unit (PAC) when they discovered a talking fox and his equally talented bear companion ensnared in the briar patch. It took several hours to free them, but they were ultimately able to scamper back into the wild, none the worse for their experience.

Police also report what may be a lost pet rabbit. Witnesses claim that said rabbit appeared to be laughing and pointing. If you have lost a rabbit with a sadistic sense of humor and think he may belong to you, please contact PAC with a description. Be prepared to provide a photograph.

Dwarfs Arrested After Short Fight

By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News

After a violent brawl in Easter Egg Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and a short battle soon ensued.

Doc, Dopey and Sneezie White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness. Bail is set for $10,000. A little amount, declared the Jolly Green District Attorney.

Old Mother Hubbard Committed

by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat

Old Mother Hubbard of New Never City’s Bare Cupboard District has been
committed to psychiatric treatment after complaints of her roaming the
streets mumbling and aloof.

“The poor dog, the poor dog, all she ever talks about is what she
needs to fetch for that poor dog,” one passerby commented.

In fact, Old Mother Hubbard frequents the District’s businesses many
times a day for her poor dog, even appearing delusional. Many business
owners have voiced concern for her in the past, citing her stories of
the poor dog smoking, dancing, goat riding, cat feeding, and even
dressing in clothes.

“Old Mother Hubbard is a little mixed up right now,” the doctor in
charge of the dame’s psych unit reported. “Once we get her to
understand the correct concept of “fetch”, she will be free to go.
That is, of course, the dog is to do the fetching.”

Meanwhile, the poor dog has been left to tend for himself.