A bowl of unturned curds was the only evidence left at the scene.
The jury, made up of dwarfs, quickly rendered a guilty verdict.
The New Never City police didn't buy his tale, so after a search of Peter's residence, police uncovered what appears to be a children's sweat-shop.
Peter Piper will be arraigned on Tuesday.
Police were unable to locate any of the 'hot' peppers.
New Never City DA, Joe White, hopes to be that guy. He faces stiff competition from current mayor, Morgana, as known as the wicked witch of the west, east, and most southern kingdoms. Joe White has long been known as the fairest of us all, which puts him at a distinct disadvantage in quest for mayorship.
You can enter by clicking LIKE on my author page at j.a. kazimer on facebook at (http://www.facebook.com/pages/ja-kazimer/173802705980439) or by signing up for my e-newsletter at http://www.jakazimer.com/contact/newsletter.
I'll draw the winner randomly on December 23rd!
j.a. kazimer will host the Boulder Writers’ Workshop Literary Salon on Saturday, October 13.
The salon will open with a brief reading of work from the tell-all novel, CURSES! and then j.a. kazimer will guide our discussion. Attendees are free to ask questions, as well as throw out discussion topics to the group.
Make those questions easy. You don't want me to cry!
The Literary Salon is fashioned after the great salons of Paris in the Eighteenth Century, and is free and open to the public.
Members talk about their writing successes and challenges, solicit advice, share their experiences and keep each other up-to-date on trends. Our topics range widely–covering the art, psychology, spirituality, business and craft of writing and publishing.
All genres and experience levels are welcome.
The salon runs from 10:30 a.m. to noon at the Villas at the Atrium in Boulder.
Pre-registration is required at http://www.eventbrite.com/event/4152686798#.
1. 50 Shades of Periwinkle, a not-so-erotic voyage into the sex life of Georgie Porgie.
2. The Hungry Games, a look at the fairy tale relationship between Jack Sprat and his wife following gastric bypass surgery
3. Tinkerlight, a young women with wings falls for a lost boy.
4. CURSES! A F***ed Up Fairy Tale, a New Never City Tell-all
Pyrotechnic Beat New Never News
A freakish four alarm fire broke out overnight at the headquarters of the villain's union in Greenwitch Village costing the lives of two henchmen. The fire burned the first two floors, causing over twenty thousand dollars in damage. VP of Union Affairs, Miss Muffet stated, 'I just sat on my tuffet, eating my curds and whey, when along came a fire...'
Police suspect the fire started when a non-union employee jumped over a candlestick.
Crime Beat, New never News
Peter Pan, founding member of the band The Lost Boys, Neverland's top grossing boy-band in the late 90's, was found dead in a New Never City hotel room.
Peter's on-again, off -again and often violent relationship with the artist known only as Tink has been well documented. However, in the last year or so, Peter underwent a spiritual transformation at the hands of guru, Smee. At the time of his death, friends say Peter was happy and newly engaged to a darling young lady named Wendy.
Police do suspect fairy play.
Imagine that Cinderella’s been murdered, distracted by a bluebird and run over by a truck in New Never City. Now imagine her stepsister calling on Rumpelstiltskin (stripped of his villainy as punishment for rage issues) to investigate. This is the premise of J.A. Kazimer’s Curses!: A F**cked Up Fairy Tale.
Cinderella’s stepsister Asia, believing her sister’s death to be a case of foul play, shows up at what she thinks is Sherlock Holmes’s door. Only, he hasn’t lived there for a while, not since RJ, as Rumpel prefers to be called, stuffed him into the chimney and took over the residence. Asia, much better-looking then the original story had led us to believe, convinces RJ to help, but really he’s just doing it in hopes that she’ll sleep with him.
As the two dig deeper into Cindi’s untimely death, everyone becomes suspect: Prince Charming; the butler; Dru, the second and not-so-pretty stepsister; even Asia.
Blending favorite fairy tale characters with today’s cultural references and sensibilities, Curses! flips the childhood staple on its head to create a wholly adult, and highly entertaining, reading experience.
READ FULL INTERVIEW AT:
Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D
by Shannon Lawrence
Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,
Girls cry when I kiss them. It’s so upsetting that I’ve become addicted to pie in order to self-medicate. Now, not only do I not have a girl, but my weight has ballooned. What can I do?
Dear “Puddin’ N’ Pie” Georgie,
Invest in some mints and eat your vegetables.
Come see New Never News reporter, j.a. kazimer, as she signs her New Never City celebrity tell-all at Barnes & Noble in Boulder, CO.
Signing starts at 11am on March 10.
Barnes & Noble Booksellers
2195 Pearl Street
March 10, 2012 - 11am
Reporter j.a. kazimer will be at the following events signing copies of her celebrity tell-all CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE.
Booksigning with Cindi Myers & j.a. kazimer
March 3, 2012 - 3pm
Booksigning - MARCH 10, 2012
Booksigning - MARCH 17, 2012
701 E. 120th Avenue
Thornton, CO 80233
Booksigning - March 25, 2012
March 25 - 11AM
Barnes & Noble Bookstore
960 S Colorado Blvd
Glendale, CO 80246
Left Coast Crime Conference - March 29 - April 1, 2012
FORENSICS - Forensics and Mysteries Go Hand in Hand
DP Lyle, MD, Jan Burke, Steve Scarborough, JA Kazimer, George Fong
SATURDAY March 31, 2012 - 1:30 PM
Join me for a CURSES! Book Signing at the Broadway Book Mall!
When: March 3, 2012 - 3PM
Where: Broadway Book Mall, 200 S. Broadway, Denver CO
Free swag and CURSES Cookies for all.
And the best part, the fabulous Cindi Myers will also be signing her newest release, The Woman Who Loved Jesse James.
If you are in the Denver, CO area, drop in for the CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE Book Launch Party at the Mercury Cafe (2199 California Street, Denver CO) tonight at 7pm.
Wear a tiara or your finest princely ware, eat some free snacks, drink some beers, and watch live entertainment as the finalist of the Incite Denver Contest embarrass themselves on stage for a chance to meet a NY agent.
Free giveaways and swag for all, plus I'm going to let you all EAT CAKE!!!!
February 29, 2012
Mercury Cafe, 7PM
Pick up a copy of New Never News reporter, j.a. kazimer's fairy tale tell-all, CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE today!
* Learn who murdered Cinderella and why
* Find out which fairy tale prince is more tale than fairy
* Hear secrets only a villain would know about your favorite fairy tale celebrities
Buy CURSES at amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, or wherever books are sold.
by j.a. kazimer
Hundreds of mourners arrived at Grimm's Cemetery for the funeral of famed princess, Cinderella, who was struck down by the Fairy-Second Street Bus on Saturday. Her fiance, Prince Charming, appeared inconsolable and had to be helped from the graveside by a gaggle of extremely well dressed and good-looking young men.
The only relative not in attendance was Asia, Cinderella's estranged and ugly stepsister.
by j.a. kazimer
Your Health, New Never News
The New Never City Health Department is concerned about the recent rise of STDs in the city. Officials report a rash of cases of facial warts among young, unmarried women. They believe the infections are a direct result of princess-on-frog contact.
Princesses looking for love are asked to practice safe sex.
If you are a princess or suspect that you've been exposed to a princess with frog breath, please seek immediate treatment at the local New Never City Health Clinic for a dose of Compound-W.
Are you evil to the core? Does your own mother cringe when you call? If so, the Villainous Union wants you. You will travel to far and a way kingdoms, seeing the world one evil deed at a time, while unhelping others.
Join the Villainous Union and be as evil as you can be!
*Do-gooders need not apply.
Call 1-800-PRINCE-CHARMING-ASKED-FOR-IT to apply.
by j.a. kazimer
Wedded Bliss, New Never News
The photographer for the upcoming nuptuals of Cinderella to Prince Charming has quit after taking the 'pre-wedding' family photograph, declaring, "Those ugly faces broke my camera."
The royal family had no comment, but did invest in a bundle of paper bags.
Chiseled in Rock: Chiseled Author j.a. kazimer is Interviewed!: By Janet Fogg We’ve been asked, so today we’re offering answers to questions such as: Chiseled Staff? Are they really that chiseled? Are th...
Apparently so, according to the the moral majority of the WESTMINSTER WINDOW (for those who aren't aware of this upstanding newspaper, you aren't alone. Hell, most of the residents in the small community of Westminster, Colorado don't know about it either) has declared my book, CURSES! A F***ed Up Fairy Tale (not that they've read it, but judging a book by the cover is always the best indicator of moral content) inappropriate for their readers. They are a family newspaper after all, or so the editor who canceled the interview claimed.
Now I'm not annoyed because I took a day off work to do this interview, with a very nice reporter named Ashley, nope, my anger comes from this newspaper's shallow view of their readership. So my book implies the F-Bomb in the title. Big deal. Paris Hilton had a sex tape. Miley Cyrus smokes pot (allegedly). I bet even Tim Tebow has dropped an f-bomb or two (or not).
Hell, I'm sure over 3/4 of Westminster residents are, if not very familiar at least acquainted with, the word FUCK. Those who aren't live in the Amish part of Westminster.