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Pig Out Deli Open for Business

By j.a. kazimer
Local Business New Never News

After the deaths of two brothers (Marketing Guru This Little Piggy and Agoraphobic This Little Piggy)in the last month, the middle This Little Piggy, who loves to eat roast beef, has opened his very own deli featuring none other than his secret family recipe for slow cooked roast pork.

Sadly, the 'Pig Out Deli' was closed after only a few hours due to shoddy construction after it toppled during a freak wind storm. When reached for comment, This Little Piggy Who Ate Roast Beef, said, "When it comes to your dreams, if you let the Three Little Pigs build it, a wolf will huff and puff until the whole things blows down."

Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.

Letter to the Editor II

Ever since the first entrepreneur realized he could make a quick buck betting on the first sport, ever since the first athlete discovered that the smallest edge could mean the difference between glory and shame, cheating has been a part of sports. Normally I keep my nose out of debates about what constitutes cheating, and whether one player or another is likely to be guilty, but recent events have boiled even my blood.

In a recent grudge match, a longtime favorite racer, Harrison the Hare, known for winning nine of the last ten quarter mile races, and seven of the last ten five mile races at old McDonalds farm and racetrack, lost, in a stunning upset, to Toliver the Turtle. Toliver, who has not simply lost every race he has ever been in, but has come in dead last, each and every time, claims that simple perseverance is the secret of his victory. Toliver’s refusal, however, to submit to a urine test has created some well deserves skepticism in the racing community.

Though the unofficial status of this race means that Toliver can not be forced to submit to any kind of test, it is the view of this reporter that the questionable nature of this race should render any bets made on it moot. Even if no money was involved, and it was just a bet between two reporters on who would have to wear a dress to the next office meeting.

Ross D. Willard

Black Plague Friday Deals

Crazy King Black Plague Deals
Because we're CRAZY
Probably from the syphilis...

Compund-W - For those unafraid to kiss a frog
$2.99 per wart

Electric Roast Beast Slicer - For those little piggy's who stay home

Extra Glass Slippers with Stay-On Design - For princesses with commitment issues

Dear Wicked Witch ~ Thanksgiving Tradition

Dear Wicked Witch:

What are some of your favorite Thanksgiving Day traditions? I prefer a nice green salad.

~ Thomas T. Turkey

Dear Dinner:

I like to celebrate this fine day with a nice ride on my broomstick followed by a typical Thanksgiving feast, and to top it off a nice, eye of newt pie. You're welcome to join me. Head over about seven a.m. Make sure to shower. In butter.

~ The Hungry & Wicked Witch

Success for Store South of the Seashore

By Ross D. Willard
Local Business Beat

Local Business Prospers

In South Samstan Street, several steps past the caterpillars smoke shack, and a few steps shy of the Silver Seahorse Saloon, you can see Sally Simon’s Seashell Shack.

Sometime ago, Sally Simon was a squatter on the corner of Sham and Shaker, surviving on day old sausages and soup from a sympathetic chef. But now? Now Sally sells seashells on the seashore. How? According to the sharp tounged Sally: “It sure as s--- wasn’t easy!”

Sally says she started selling seashells on accident.

“Well, I was sitting on the side of the street, sorting through a sack of sand that someone had set next to a street sign. I scooped up a section of the sand and let it sift through my fingers. Suddenly I found a small, but sweet looking seashell, just sitting there. I sit and I stare for some time, until a stoner I know, Sid Sodersabber, comes up, staring at the shiny thing and says, ‘hey, Sally, that’s a shiny seashell. My sister, Cindy Sodersabber, she’d so love a shiny seashell.’ And I say, ‘S---, Sid, I’ll sell you this seashell.’ And sure as s---, he shells out some cash.”

Some might say that Sally’s sailor-like, swearword filled vernacular still leave something to be sought after, but for all her steamy language, at her heart, Sally Simon is a sweet girl, and I, for one, sure support her selling seashells by the seashore. Sell those seashells, Sally, sell those seashells.

Dwarfs Arrested After Overnight Brawl

By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News

After a violent brawl in Greenwitch Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and the short battle soon ensued.

Doc, Dopey and Sneezey White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness.

Lost Boys Kidnapping Solved

By Ross D. Willard
Fairy Beat New Never News

It’s been the defining work of his career, but finally, Police Captain James Hook has made good on his promise to solve the mysterious ‘Lost Boys’ kidnappings.

The bust occurred late last night, after one of the captain’s undercover officers spotted a suspicious looking figure loitering outside the home of one Wendy Moira Angela Darling. Ms. Darling, who had a brief but ‘creepy’ run in with a mysterious man who called himself ‘Petey’ several months ago. After reporting the incident, Ms. Darling was put under police surveillance.

According the press conference given by Captain Hook after the capture of his prime suspect, the kidnappings perpetrated by ‘Petey’ Panningfield have spanned the better part of two decades. A schizophrenic with severe detachment disorder, ‘Petey’ developed a loathing for adulthood and dedicated his life to ‘saving’ children from the ‘trauma’ of growing up. Guided by the voices in his head to seek out the ‘good’ children, Mr. Panningfield struck without rhyme or reason, which made him all the more difficult to catch. The police have, so far, found half a dozen of the ‘lost boys’ stored on Mr. Panningfield’s property. Police are still searching his property.

While ‘Petey’ is now safely removed from society, Captain Hook warned the community that the fight is not yet over. In the course of his crimes, and in order to make money to support himself, ‘Petey’ used and sold a designer drug known, in street slang, as ‘pixie dustings.’ The source of these highly addictive drugs, a chemist known only as ‘Tinkerbell’ remains at large.

Rapunzel Busted for Possession of Fairy Dust

By j.a. kazimer
Celebrity Crime Beat

Famed bad girl, Rapunzel of the West Coast Rapunzels, was arrested last night on the Cin City strip for possession of a controlled substance when security personnel at the Hard Fairy Hotel discovered an ounce of white powder believed to be fairy dust in the socialite's purse.

Rapunzel denied the purse was hers, saying, "I borrowed it from a friend." When pressed for that 'friend's' name, she added, "What friend? That's my purse. Hey, what are you doing with my purse! Police! Police! Some one's stealing my evening bag!"

Mayor Mike ‘Mini-Mint’ Michaelson Mocks Murmurs of Mob Mischief

By Ross D. Willard
MMMMMMMMM Beat New Never News

Even with the election days away, and with mounting evidence connecting him to the Lollipop Guild, a known mob front, Mayor Mike Michaelson isn’t showing any signs of stress. Today, at the annual ‘Falling House Commemoration Picnic,’ the longtime politician gave his traditional reading of the beloved ‘Meeting Ms. Dorothy’ for local children. Laughing off questions from the media, he spent most of the day shaking hands and kissing babies and looking, for all the world, like a man without a care.

As popular as Mayor Michaelson may be, though, he has had a long and sordid political history, from reputed dealings with all varieties of wicked witches, to the gumdrop scandal, there have always been more questions than answers regarding the Munchkin Mayor. Most notably, of course, there was the incident of the disappearance of labor leader James Hofta during the building of the Yellow Brick Road, and Mayor Michaelson’s refusal to allow any portion of that road to be removed, or dug under, as recommended by investigators.

While it’s hard to speak ill of a politician who has dedicated so much of his time to building parks and public works, I would like to remind the residents of Munchkin Land, along with all readers everywhere, that elections are not popularity contests, and a winning smile should not be enough to put a criminal in office.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

As a longtime reader of the New Never News, I wanted to start out by telling you how much I've enjoyed your articles over the years. The New Never News has never not been a noteworthy news source in a nation with no non-notable news networks. That said, in recent years I've become somewhat distressed by the lack of coverage of the various political issues of our day.

Certainly, you've kept us appraised of Prince Charming's all too common lapses in judgment, but when the New Never News is surprisingly silent on the larger issues. For example, recently several noted experts have suggested the possibility that Sleeping Beauty's multiple decades of bed rest may be caused, not by a curse, but Munchhausen syndrome by proxy. The fact that Sleeping Beauty's elder sister, Quite Dead Beauty, suffered a similar syndrome, and that Sleeping's symptoms occurred only after the unfortunate death of her sister do seem to lend some credence to the theory.

Also, recent accusations have surfaced against famed business mogul, Jack of the Beanstalk, that his vast fortune was gained, not through wise investments in junk bond, but through outright theft.

On these, and other issues, your paper has remained strangely silent, and I, for one, would like to know if it is a lack of interest on the part of management, or undo influences from these powerful political and business interests that have kept these stories out of the public limelight.


T.H.E. Scarecrow Jr.

The Princess Who Really, Really Has to Pee Asks the Wicked Witch

Dear Wicked Witch:

My prince is pressuring me to take a cell phone camera with me into the little princess' room and take a picture while I pee. He says it has always been a "fairytale" of his, and that if I really love him I'll do it.

~ The Princess Who Really, Really Has to Pee

Dear Princess Pee:

Just man up and go already. What's the worst that can happen? Overnight, international internet exposure? Think of it as a career move. Look what it did for the Tidy Bowl Man.

~ The Wicked Witch

If you have a question for the Wicked Witch, email

Third Victim of Red-Hooded Serial Killer Found

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

The third victim of the red-hooded serial murderer was found in a wooded lot behind a nursing home over the weekend. The body is believed to be that of a woodsmen reported missing a week ago. All the victims were located within one mile of the Little Red Senior Living Center. The police have no suspects in any of the crimes, but urge the public (especially those of the wolf race) to take extra precautions when wandering into the enchanted forest. A basket of goodies is being offered as a reward for any information leading to an arrest.

Tortoise Suspected of Doping

By j.a. kazimer
Sports New Never News

Famed racer, Lance Tortoise is charged with using synthetic enhancers in the Tour de Tremaine, a six mile race around the Tremaine Palace. The forty year old Tortoise has won four Tours so far. The accusation of doping came from the Hare after the final leg of the race, in which, Tortoise surprised everyone by beating the favorite Hare by a paw.

Tortoise had this to say, 'Doping? That's crazy. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time, Slow and Steroids wins the race.' He added, 'Oh, Steroids aren't natural? Who knew?'

Prince Charming Parties at Naughty Nightclub

By j.a. kazimer
Lifestyles New Never News

Prince Charming paid a visit to one of New Never City's hotspots this weekend sans fiancee. What is a prince without a princess to do? Dance of course. Charming spent the night dancing with a few 'close' compainions to the sweet sounds of DJ Hey Diddle's Fiddle.

Iron Chafe - Fairy Godmother Style

By j.a. kazimer
TV New Never News

A new series begins this week on the New Never News Network. Iron Chafe - Fairy Godmother Style, which pits the top fairy godmothers from around the world against each other for the title of IRON GODMOTHER.

This week's battle: Bibbity Bobbitt Boo

Secret Ingredients: Pumpkin, Three Mice, and a Drab Princess.

Only one godmother will survive!

Mysterious Fire at the Villainous Union

By j.a. kazimer
Pyrotechnic Beat New Never News

A freakish four alarm fire broke out overnight at the headquarters of the villain's union in Greenwitch Village. The fire burned the first two floors, causing over twenty thousand dollars in damage. VP of Union Affairs, Miss Muffet stated, 'I just sat on my tuffet, eating my curds and whey, when along came a fire...'

Not surprisingly, the fire is under investigation. The sheriff has released this sketch of the suspect, described as a short man with dark hair. Anyone with any information, are asked to contact the NNPD.

Agoraphoibic Piggy Killed in Wolf Force Winds

By j.a. kazimer
Weather Forecaster New Never News

This little piggy who stayed home due to his agoraphobia was killed over the weekend in a freak wind storm that smelled faintly of pork chops. One witness, The Big Bad Wolf, declared, "Storm. What storm? I didn't see anything."

The storm destroyed many of the straw housing units in the New Never Projects. This little piggy who stayed home will best be remembered for, staying home while his littler piggy brother ate roast beef.

Funeral serviced will be held at Daddy Bruce's Crematory and BBQ.

Old MacDonald Arrested in Overnight Pot Bust

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Old MacDonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.
And on that farm he had a seventy-five marijuana plants worth $150,000, EE-I-EE-I-O,
With a bong here and a stoner there
Here a DEA agent there a DEA agent, everywhere DEA agents
Old MacDonald had a pot farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.

Now he has a nice jail cell in the New Never City Detention & Dance Center.

New Never City Bans Same-Silverware Marriage

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

Dinnerware across the city is up in forks over the new ban on same-silverware marriage. No longer will the Dessert Fork and the Salad Fork enjoy the same protection under the law as the Dish and the Spoon.

Proponents of the ban state: "At the Last Supper, Jesus ate with a fork and a spoon. Not a spoon and a spoon. It's just not natural."

Natural or not, the law will be challenged all the way to the 5th District Fairy Court. As opponents claim the law violates their Silverware Rights.

Dear Wicked Witch - Slipperless is the City

Dear Wicked Witch:

I lost my slipper at a ball the other night and the queen's idiot son picked it up. And he's been stuffing every womanly foot he sees into my slipper. He's no Prince Charming for sure, so what should I do?

~ Slipperless in New Never City

Dear Slipperless:

Find the idiot son, bash him on the head, and curse him to turn into a toad for theft of footwear. Then, coat your feet in eye-of-newt. It helps your skin adhere to glass slippers, so you will never lose your footwear again.

~ Wicked Witch

If you have a question for the Wicked Witch, email

Beauty Beats Beast

By j.a. kazimer
Political Beat New Never News

Political insiders are astounded by today's election results as Beauty is declared the President of New Never City after defeating Beast in a landslide victor.

"You like me. You really, really like me," Beauty cried in her acceptance speech.

Beast couldn't be reached for comment, but his right-handed henchman demanded a recount. Voters will remember this campaign as one of the costliest and most negative elections in a land far, far away.