Lost Boys Kidnapping Solved
By Ross D. Willard
Fairy Beat New Never News
It’s been the defining work of his career, but finally, Police Captain James Hook has made good on his promise to solve the mysterious ‘Lost Boys’ kidnappings.
The bust occurred late last night, after one of the captain’s undercover officers spotted a suspicious looking figure loitering outside the home of one Wendy Moira Angela Darling. Ms. Darling, who had a brief but ‘creepy’ run in with a mysterious man who called himself ‘Petey’ several months ago. After reporting the incident, Ms. Darling was put under police surveillance.
According the press conference given by Captain Hook after the capture of his prime suspect, the kidnappings perpetrated by ‘Petey’ Panningfield have spanned the better part of two decades. A schizophrenic with severe detachment disorder, ‘Petey’ developed a loathing for adulthood and dedicated his life to ‘saving’ children from the ‘trauma’ of growing up. Guided by the voices in his head to seek out the ‘good’ children, Mr. Panningfield struck without rhyme or reason, which made him all the more difficult to catch. The police have, so far, found half a dozen of the ‘lost boys’ stored on Mr. Panningfield’s property. Police are still searching his property.
While ‘Petey’ is now safely removed from society, Captain Hook warned the community that the fight is not yet over. In the course of his crimes, and in order to make money to support himself, ‘Petey’ used and sold a designer drug known, in street slang, as ‘pixie dustings.’ The source of these highly addictive drugs, a chemist known only as ‘Tinkerbell’ remains at large.