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Slow Economy Hits Elderly Hardiest

by j.a. kazimer
Economic, New Never News

The slow economy hits the elderly hardiest according to Old Mother Hubbard, a renowned economist with the Institute of Old People. Mother claims, "Nearly one in three old mother's have bare cupboards, and over one in two dogs have no bones."

The Mayor, Dog, declined to comment, siting his weakened state.

Funeral for Old King Cole

by j.a. kazimer
Obit, New Never News
Happy B-Day, Mom!

Old King Cole was a merry old soul. He was also pretty damn old, dying at the ripe old age of 245. He claimed he'd lasted so long due to three things ~ his pipe, his bowl, and rock-n-roll.

He will be missed.

His funeral will be held at The Tweedle Dum, Tweedle Dee Funeral Home just off Fairy-Second Street.

Grimm's Highway Closed

by j.a. kazimer
Construction, New Never News

Grimm's Highway will be closed temporarily while road crews fix the London Street Bridge. New Never City Department of Transportation Manager, My Fair Lady, stated, "The bridge has been falling down for years. It's time we do something about it."

Hundreds Hurt After Attack

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

In a rash of alarming attacks, two emergency rooms at local New Never City hospitals quickly became overrun with the injured. One doctor said, "It was horrible. Some of the victims were missing ears, others were missing tails. What kind of monster would do something like this?"

Police have no suspects in the bunny mutilations.

Morning Fire Destroys Shoe

by j.a. kazimer
Fire Watch, New Never News

An early morning fire broke out in the New Never City area known as Prada. Firefighters suspect the fire started following a foot race between an old woman and her numerous children. No one was hurt in the fire, but the flames destroyed a pair of clogs.

Jack's Not So Nimble

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

According to court records, Jack B. Nimble was recently apprehended by Detective Goldie Locks of the New Never City Police Department after he allegedly stole a van filled with puddin' & pie on its way to The Georgie Porgie Cafe. Witnesses told police Jack was seen running away following the crime.

Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush

by j.a. kazimer
Huh? New Never News

Why? Does anybody know what's on the other side? I tried googling it, but nothing came up.

Outrage Over Inter-Species Marriage

by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyle New Never News

Outrage over inter-species marriage draws hundreds of flies to local church where the inter species marriage took place later Saturday. One opponent of the marriage declared, "Fiddle Dee Dee, a fly has married a bee. What's next? Adam marrying Steve?"

Oddly enough, Adam and Steve decided to elope.

Do Brits Stink?

by j.a. kazimer
For Daniel, New Never News

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! I smell an Brit!

According to the latest research by the Giant Institute of the Beanstalk, despite the long held belief, the blood of people of English decent does not in fact smell any worse than any other nationality.

Prince Arrested

By j.a. kazimer
Happy Tax Day, New Never News

Local prince, Charming, was recently arrested at the New Never City Famous Slipperwear shop when a clerk complained the prince had sniffed a female customer's shoe. The prince denied the allegation, claiming, "I was merely admiring said slipper...with my nostrils."

Police gave him a $50 fine sent him to bed without his porridge.

Paw Found in Cheesy Doodles

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

The New Never City Health Department closed down The Three Blind Mice Tavern after a customer complained about finding a tiny white paw in his cheesy doodle platter. When asked about the incident, the head chef, Lefty, said, "What do you expect? I'm blind, you dolt."

The tavern is now under new management, but this reporter was unable to contact the chef at the newly renovated, Three Deaf Rats Tavern. The phone just rang and rang.

Wicked Queen Promotes An Apple A Day Awareness

by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News

An apple a day will keep the doctor away, says the Wicked Queen. She further demonstrated the fact by offering local girl, Snow White, a bite of a red delicious hand picked by the queen's semi-faithful woodsmen.

Snow White declared the apple, "Delicio...choke...cough...cough..." And fainted dead away with delight at her treat.

Aladdin Caught Rubbing His Lamp

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Local entertainer, Aladdin of Aladdin's Playhouse was arrested last night during a police sting at a local 'movie' theater. Apparently, the star was a bit...handies with a certain...object during the movie, Your Carpet or Mine.

The lamp in question refused to press charges.

Suspected Bat Molestor Captured

by j.a. kazimer
Happy Birthday, Dad
New Never News

New Never City Police shut down Grimm's Highway today after a local man, suspected in a string of baseball bat molestations, was pulled over and taken into custody by police. The suspect claimed, "I was merely giving Louis (the underage wooden bat in his car) a ride home." But physical evidence, in the form of the name's elongated nose, suggested there was more to his story.

Ant Pride Day

by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyle New Never News

This Friday downtown New Never City will be overrun with crazy costumes and dance numbers as ants all over the city celebrate Ant Pride Day. Festivities begin with the yearly Ant Pride March, where members of the ant community take to the streets carrying hundreds of times there weight.

I really want to be in that number.

But, alas, I wasn't invited to the picnic.

Dancers Wanted

Help Wanted

Old Mother Hubbard's All Bare Cupboard is currently looking for dancers to work the morning shift. Ugly stepsisters need not apply.

WANTED: Someone to Row a Boat to Shore

Help Wanted:

Now hiring for a boat rower to go gently down the stream. Must think life is but a dream.

Apply today.

Prince Claims Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes

by j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

In the landmark divorce proceedings, famous prince, The Prince, claims that former wife, Rapunzel spent millions of dollars of the couples estate on hair extension and hair dye. Rapunzel denied the claims, but later changed her testimony when lawyers submitted photographs as evidence. The pictures show a nearly bald headed Rapunzel preparing for her morning wigging.