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Railroad Employees Deemed Insane

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

In a landmark decision, a New Never City Federal Judge declared railroad employees insane. When asked why he'd made such a determination, he stated, "Have you ever worked your fingers to the bone just to pass the time away? They do. It's just not natural."

Railroad workers couldn't comment over the blowing of the horn.

Law Forbids Screaming

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

In a 3 to 7 vote, New Never City Council Members passed a law banning the screaming for any and all frozen desserts. The mayor said, "I won't scream, and you better not scream for Ice Cream, or you'll find yourself in jail!"

Hushing Little Baby Lands Mom in Jail

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New never News

A New Never City Mother finds herself in jail after hushing her baby in public. "We just don't do that sort of thing on the city streets," said one New Never City Official. "She was just standing there, her baby in her arms, hushing it for all the world to see."

The mother's attorney had no comment. On the other hand, the baby claimed he'd received no compensation for his hushing in any form, especially not the promised mockingbird or diamond ring.

A hearing is set for this afternoon.

What's Good for the Goose Really Isn't Good for the Gander

By j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

It's an age-old lesson.

What's good for a goose isn't always good for the gander. Take salt for example. I feed my goose two tablespoons full of salt a day. He loved it. Did the same for my gander, and now, he takes three pills a day for his high blood pressure.

Anybody want to buy a gander with heart disease?

Farmers On Strike

By j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

Your cheese won't be too fresh in the upcoming weeks as a group of farmers call for a New Never City wide strike after an incident involing the farmer, his wife, and a dell. Surfice it to say, there should be laws protecting the most innocent of our farm animals, the cow, against the taking of said farm animal.

Hi-ho, the derry-o, Indeed!

Kids Reported Missing

By j.a. kazimer
Amber Alert New Never News

Jack and Jill went up a hill, and no one has seen the fraternal twins since. In a related story, a young man suffering from amnesia was discovered walking along Grimm's Highway, carrying a bucket of water. Police ask anyone with information regarding the twins or the young man to contact them.

Fifth Victim Found

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

A fifth unidentified victim in the red hooded serial killer case was found in a field off the Mother Goose Freeway. Police are stumped. If you have any information about the victim, a wolf wearing large woman's underwear also known as granny panties, police ask you to contact them.

Ugly Duckling Kills Two at Zoo

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Troubled duckling was arrested last night following the murder of two swans at the New Never City Zoo. When questioned, the duckling responded, "Who's ugly now, bitch?"

Happy VD Day

by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News


An apple a day might keep the doctor away, but your significant other might kill you. Remember on this holiest of holidays, fruit doesn't replace condoms when it comes to STD protection.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What? You Don't Like Free Gift Cards?

Time is slowly running out to enter the February drawing for a $20 gift card from Amazon or Barnes & Noble. All's you have to do to win is submit your name and email address at

Not only will you be entered into this month's contest, but you'll have a shot to win a fabulous prize (bear in mind how subjective the term fabulous really is) each month.

What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation...

Mystique Roadshow Comes to Town

By Ross D. Willard
TV New Never News

We’ve all seen an episode or two, and everyone has dreamed of finding out that old pot they found in the attic is actually an antique. Well, the time has come to dig up those old relics your great grandfather passed down just before he passed away, and make your way to the Cutlass Convention Center, because the rumors are true, Mystique Roadshow has come to town!

From sword experts to professional gemologists, you’ll be hard pressed to bring anything in that they don’t have an expert in. And you never know what trinket you might be holding onto that’s worth its weight in gold. Or more.

“I’ve been eating my curds and wey out of this bowl for years!” Miss Muffet told us with a bewildered smile on her face. “I knew my mother used the same bowl, and her mother, but to find out that it dates back almost three hundred years! I just can’t believe it!”

But for every story of treasure found, there are a dozen, heartbreaking, near misses.

“Even in this condition, he said that an intact piece was worth a king’s ransom. But with the genie missing, apparently it’s almost completely worthless.” One young woman told us with a sad smile on her face. “Grandpa Aladdin never was very good at keeping things up, but letting that Genie go? Sometimes I can’t believe how irresponsible he could be.”

Lottery Winner Celebrates in Style

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. Then she won the lottery, and everything changed.

“Are you kidding me? I can finally afford to put them through college. I mean, not all of them are going to college, of course, Rick and Michael are both apprenticing as plumbers already, and they seem to like it. Tina, Trixi and Roxanne will put anything I give them towards starting that restaurant. Sam, Jordan, Kayla and Mirriam are trying to get that band of theirs off the ground, while Lisa, Harry, George and Bobbi are almost done with trade school. Carrie and Michelle are both getting married, so I guess I can help with the wedding now. But for the rest of them? Oh, yeah, it’s going into college funds.”

And for herself?

“Well,” the little old lady blushed, “I have to admit, living in this boot has gotten a little old. I was looking at a nice, strapless stiletto on the other side of town.”

City Council to Debate Zoning Restrictions

By Ross D. Willard
City Desk New Never News

The New Never City Council is scheduled to have an open hearing tonight. Among the topics on the agenda is a possible reexamination of zoning definitions. At stake? The deference between a large garden and a small farm.

“It’s about time. We at the home owner’s association have been pushing for this discussion for three years.”

And what prompted this three year quest? What else, but an eighty foot beanstalk.

“When my son brought home those beans, I had no idea that they anything but your standard, every day bean-pole beans,” Ms. Black told us. “But once I found out what they really were, the first thing I did was clear out the rest of my garden, to make sure I would be in compliance with the square footage limitations.

“It’s eight stories high!” Countered Mrs. Green. “It’s a farm, it just happens to be a vertical farm instead of horizontal.”

With passions as high as these, tonight’s meeting promises to be entertaining, no matter what the decision.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

By Ross D. Willard
Sports New Never News

Grudge Match!

It only happens once a year, but when it happens, the world stands still. Well, maybe not the whole world, but the Humpty district of New Never certainly does hold it’s breath.

Tonight is the annual grudge match football game between heated rivals, All the King’s Horses Academy, and All the King’s Men Highschool. Though neither team is likely to end up in this years championship, tonight’s competition is expected to be the most well attended game of the year, and New Never’s police force is sending several extra units to prevent any more ‘incident’s’ similar to the unfortunate car flipping spree of last year.

What started this bitter rivalry, nobody can remember, but one thing is certain, it’ll take more than a simple football game to put Humpty District back together again.

Wicked Witch Dies After Fall of Housing Market

By j.a. kazimer
Business New Never News

In spite of all indicators, the recession is not over. Just ask the Wicked Witch of the West, who was killed today when a house, recently foreclosed on by the mayor of munchkin, fell on top of her. The house was driven by a illegal immigrant from Kansas.

The wicked witch's sister, Glenda the Good stated, "We knew it was coming, but it was still a shock. I mean, really, a house? What kind of person drops a house on someone?"

The Wicked Witch's next of kin, The Wizard, was unavailable for comment.

Singing Mermaid Washed Up

By j.a. kazimer
Where Are They Now? New Never News

A fisherman made a gruesome discovery this morning - the body of famed singer, The Little Mermaid, who apparently washed ashore following high tide. By the large gouge marks marring her throat, police suspect foul play. An autopsy scheduled for tomorrow will confirm. Her manager, Captain Hook, could not be reached for comment.

Meter Maidens Claim Sexual Harassment

By j.a. kazimer
Legal News New Never News

All over New Never City, Meter Maidens are quitting, claiming sexual harassment at the hands of New Never City Parking Comissioner, Jolly Green-Gaint. Former Meter Maiden, Snow White states, "He stands around, saying things like, 'Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant' and then waggles his leafy eyebrows. It's disgusting."

The mayor of New Never City is looking into the allegations.

WIN $20 Gift Card

The New Never News in connection with reporter, j.a. kazimer, will be giving away a monthly prize to anyone who enters the contest at

This month's prize is a $20 Gift Card.

Enter once and you're eligible to win any prize.