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Teens Sought Following Accident

By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News

The New Never Police Department has issued a statement in the recent hit-and-run attack on an as-of-yet unidentified homeless man.

The incident occurred two nights ago up at makeout ridge, a popular hangout for highschool couples. According to police, the homeless man in question, who appears to have been suffering from a stroke and was seeking help, tried to get the attention of some youths. As he was unable to speak, he appears to have dragged his hook along the side of their car in order to gain their attention.

Police say that the teens in question not only failed to render aid to the ailing man, who is, most likely, a disabled veteran, but drove off after the man’s hook became trapped in the car handle, ripping the hook off of his arm and causing needless injury to the man.

Paint chips at the crime scene indicate that the car in question was light blue. Police are offering a reward for any information that results in the capture of these two malicious offenders.

Princess Found Dead, Police Baffled

By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News

“The body was discovered at seven o’clock this morning, by one of the maids. We’ve interviewed her thoroughly and dismissed her as a suspect in the case.” This was the only statement the police were willing to give in the still open case of Princess Fallfar, whose recent demise has shocked the city. Or, at least the castle. The people in the castle that met her, anyways.

According to inside sources, Princess Fallfar arrived in the city late last night and, being a princess, drove directly to the castle looking for a place to stay.

“Normally, when princesses show up in the middle of the night, we set them up with a room, and arrange for one of the princes to wake her up with a kiss in the morning. They get married the next day, have a nice happily ever after weekend, and the whole thing gets annulled the next week.” Explained a source who wished to remain anonymous. “But this time, there was a problem.”

The princess appeared to be traveling without her papers.

“It’s not unheard of.” Our expert has informed us. “But it is bad form. I mean, the last thing a prince wants to do is have a nice happily ever after weekend and then find out he’s just married a weekend. Things tend to get dicey. Lawyers get involved, people have to be paid off. A prince who isn’t looking for a scandal, well, he just has to be sure.”

Uncertain the status of their guest, the servants were instructed to make special arrangements for their guest.

“I don’t know what it was all about.” One young squire confided. “I just do what I’m told. When I’m told to get a hundred mattresses and stack them to the sky, that’s just what I do.”

Where exactly the instructions originated, nobody is certain, and why the princess (it has been confirmed that Fallfar was indeed a princess) couldn’t get comfortable that night, nobody knows. What is known is that tossing and turning on top of a pile of one hundred mattresses isn’t the safest activity in the world.

The police have not labeled the death foul play, but they do admit that they found something at the bottom of the mattresses that may be a vital clue in their investigation.

Mirror Mirror Deciding Vote in Beauty Contest

by Ross D. Willard
TV New Never News

Longtime celebrity bad-boy, Mirror Mirror finds himself embroiled in yet another scandal. Last week, Mirror Mirror, the guest judge in the New Never’s Next Top Model, cast the deciding vote that cinched Sleeping Beauty as this years winner.

Fans shouted foul when, a few days later, Mirror Mirror and Ms. Beauty were spotted out together. Ms. Beauty claims that her relationship with Mirror Mirror began after they met on NNNTP, but Snow White’s management contends that their budding relationship has put the integrity of the show in question, and are calling for a new final episode with a new celebrity judge.

Mirror Mirror has issued a statement of his own, calling Snow White a sore loser. In a personal interview, Mirror Mirror, leaning up against a wall, reaffirmed, “Sleeping’s the hottest of them all.”

Greatest Oil Spill in New Never City History Blames on Michael

By j.a. kazimer
Environmental Beat New Never News

Ten years ago today, Michael rowed his boat ashore, causing one of the greatest natural disasters in New Never City history, as twenty billion gallons of cooking oil coated the beachfront.

Many worried that the local economy would never rebound, yet, the New Never City townsfolk, hefted their pitchforks, and got back to work, changing the landscape into a haven for fans of all fried foods.


Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Bakery Opens

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum!
I smell the scent of english muffins!
Fresh ground coffee too!

The Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Bakery is now open on the corner of Beanstalk and Piggy Way. Come on down for some fresh baked goodies that even the biggest, badest will love. Take a few home to grandma too!

The CAT to Play at the New Never City Faire

by j.a. kazimer
Music Beat New Never News

The seventy year old music legend, The CAT will be joining an already fabulous line up at this summer's New Never City Faire. The CAT will play such hits as Hey Diddle Diddle I Think You Broke My Fiddle, and the timeless classic, Did That Cow Jump Over the Moon or Am I Just Stoned?. The faire runs from June 13 - June 19th.

One Dead After Accident on Grimm's Highway

By j.a. kazimer
Traffic New Never News

Traffic snarled on Grimm's Highway earlier today after a mid-morning accident. Police blame the accident on some rather strange circumstances. It seems a group of birds with similarly colored plumes began flocking together under the Over the Moon Underpass, causing the dish and his mate, the spoon, to veer off the highway and crash into a brick wall where a young egg sat. The egg did not survive the fall.

Bakery Vandals Captured

By Shannon K. Lawrence
Crime Beat New Never News

A string of vandalism of local bakeries within the last few months may finally be at an end. Police took alleged vandals Hansel Ericsson and Gretel Ericsson into custody today, thanks to an anonymous tip. Calling themselves The Step-Kids, they made a defiant statement via their public defender:

“All these bakeries are run by murderous witches! They’re getting what they deserve.”

One of their victims, Jemma Stinson of Gingerbread Haus Bakery, claims the worst part is the pigeons. “Those little twerps sprinkled bread crumbs all over the place. Bread crumbs! What am I supposed to do about all these bird droppings?”

This is, indeed, a good question, as her once quaint brown store, trimmed in candy-colored glass and lights, is now completely white. When confronted, Hansel said, “That witch will be lucky if she doesn’t bake in the electric chair.”

Asked why they were so determined to punish her, he became crazed, screaming about serial killers and ovens. Police say they are investigating these statements.

Little Bo Peep Arrested in Sting

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Little Bo Peep was arrested last night at Old Mother Hubbard's All Bare Cupboard for exposing it all during her on-stage performance. Police sources confirmed that the twenty-year-old Peep was arrested after engaging in a for-profit peep show. She will be formally charged this afternoon for public peeping.

Doctors Warn of a Possible Plague of Green

by j.a. kazimer
Irish New Never News

For the past few years doctors have noticed an odd illness in ERs across New Never City every March 17th. The condition is much like the flu with symptoms ranging from headache, stomach upset, green diarrhea. Many sufferers claim memory loss and hallucinations of pink rabbits. So be vigilant this March 17th. Drink plenty of fluids, and avoid anyone who looks a little green.

Pilot Feared Dead in Crash

By j.a. kazimer
Oops New Never News

A well-loved New Never City resident, pilot Aladdin is feared dead following the crash of his magic carpet in the hills overlooking the city. The Fairy Flight Administration suspects thread unravel was the cause of the crash, but won't be able to say for sure until a 40 day and 40 night investigation is completed.

Come Over to the Fairly Darkside

If you haven't already, join the fairly darkside by entering j.a. kazimer's monthly contest. I give away a pretty cool prize every month, and all's you have to do is enter at It's really that easy. I vow not to share your information, but even more important, I'll try my very hardest not to stalk you. It's not a promise, but I will try!

This month's prize is a copy of my book, The Body Dwellers, plus a bunch of other book lover swag, and maybe even a few more books (not by me, but by some really great authors I happen to love!)

So enter today at

~ All Kidding Aside ~ Tolls to Rise

By j.a. kazimer
Highway Beat New Never News

According to the New Never City Highway Department, our fair city's bridge tolls will soon rise. Why one might ask?

To pay for those in our city who refuse to pay their own way. Namely, GOATS. The toll bridge operator, Troll, explained, "Those cheap bastards (referring to goats) refuse to pay the tolls. And worse, they're gruff when the refuse too!"

Jill Suspected in Murder

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

According to New Never City Police, famous twin, Jill, is suspected in the disappearance and possible murder of her brother, Jack, following their 'kidnapping' two weeks ago.

If you remember, Jack and his sister were reported missing by their parents, launching a citywide umber alert. Later, Jill was discovered unhurt on top a hill with a large bucket of water. She claimed the twins had been kidnapped and forced to carry the water bucket up a hill. She also stated she had no idea where her brother had gone.

Police suspected foul play and started an investigation, which let to Jill's arrest.

Woman Sited Following Car Accident

By j.a. kazimer
Street Beat New Never News

The younger of Cinderella's stepsisters was sited by police yesterday following a three car collision on Grimm's Highway.

The charge? Being ugly, of course.

According to the arresting officer, the accident occurred when the ugly stepsister jaywalked across the highway, and a truck full of chickens narrowed avoided hitting her ugly mug.

When asked why the ugly stepsister cross the road, the police responded, "To get to the other side, you idiot."

Royal Wedding ~ Yeah, Right!

By j.a. kazimer
Royalty New Never News

In a shocking turn of events, commoner favorite, Prince Charming, has asked a scullery maid to be his future wife. A SCULLERY MAID! While this reporter's sure maid maiden Cinderella has some good points, one cannot overlook her career choice. She cleans toilets for frog sakes! Which oddly enough is how the couple met.

The queen was unavailable for comment. "My lady hasn't stopped crying," told the palace butler.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall Arrested for Possession

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

A sad day for the acting community, as the famed stage actor, Mirror Mirror On The Wall, was arrested for possession of a controlled substance after a video surfaced showing the actor snorting a white powder substance from himself. The actor recently spent a month hanging around his house while going through intensive rehab for drug addiction.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Changes His Name

By Bob Smith
Legal New Never News

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has officially changed his name after a lawsuit filed by John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for copyright infringement. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt's new name is Bob Smith. Which is oddly my name too, and whenever I go out, people tend to shout...Bob Smith, Where the hell is my money?!

Old MacDonald Free On Bond

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Old MacDonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.
And on that farm he had a seventy-five marijuana plants worth $150,000, EE-I-EE-I-O,
With a bond set at 150,000 dollars no one expected him to get out
Here a bond, there a bond, everywhere a bond
Old MacDonald had a stint in jail, EE-I-EE-I-O.

Now he's free on bond until his court date on March 25th.