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This Little Piggy Arrested For Public Urination

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

The youngest brother of the This Little Piggy family was arrested this afternoon after going wee-wee-wee all the way home. Police received numerous complaints from neighbors following the alleged peeing incident.

Captain Smee of the New Never City PD stated, "When units arrived on scene, they noticed a thin trail of urine leading all the way to the Piggy house. Following, police arrested the youngest piggy."

One neighbor angrily shouted, "What's this city coming to? Our brick road used to be white, but now look at it..."

Mother Arrested For Child...Um...Abuse?

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

A mother was arrested today after firefighters located her newborn baby in a tree top. The baby appeared unharmed, but firefighters were concerned over the possibility of the bough breaking, and the baby falling, and then down would come baby, landing on his squishy newborn head.

Fire at the Clock Plant, Midnight Believed to be the Cause

By j.a. kazimer
Arson New Never News

A fire overnight at the Clock Factory caused extensive damage, but no reports of lives lost. Well, with the exception of one, little mouse. Who witness, Hickory Dickory of the New Never City Dorks, said, ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, causing the friction blamed for starting the blaze.

Family members could not be reached for comment, as they are away attending a seminar for the blind.

Letter to the Editor ~ Didn't Ask, So Why Tell?

Letter to the Editor
New Never News

Hey Diddle Diddle,

A Cat and a Fiddle? Really? Isn't this the sort of thing proponents of the same-silverware ban were talking about? Where's it stop? Next you'll be telling me a cow jumped over the moon, and there's a video of it available at the local library. What's happened to our great city?

~ A Spoon

Dear Spoon:


~ The Editor

Sheep Busted in Counterfeiting Operation

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Baa Baa Black Sheep will spend eight years in the federal pen ordered Judge Mary following his conviction by a jury of Judge Mary's Little Lambs on three counts of counterfeiting after a sting recorded Baa Baa selling knock-off bags of wool.

Baa Baa claimed the sting was entrapment. "I told the dude I didn't have any wool, but he insisted...." Baa Baa told the court at his sentencing.

The Pauper Declares Bankruptcy

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

A sad day for New Never City. The economic downturn resulted in budgets cuts city wide, including a reduction in Henchman, Fire-ants, and Happily Ever Afters. But, in a surprise move, the city's famed Pauper, has declared bankruptcy.

When we asked his friend, the Prince, for comment, he said, "Who? A pauper? Why would I know this poor person?"

Virtuoso Denied Entrance to Club

By Ross D. Willard
Lifestyles New Never News

“It’s more than just an insult, it’s a slap in the face to musicians and performers everywhere.”

The comment, directed at the owners of Studio 65, came after an incident last night when the famed trumpeter and virtuoso ‘Little Boy Blue’ was refused access to the club. Onlookers reported that the doorman to the club told the trumpeter to ‘get lost’ and ‘to blow his horn’ after the performer repeatedly asked to be allowed in.

Ironically, at one point during the altercation, Mr. Blue’s music could clearly be heard playing in the club.

Management insists that the incident was an unfortunate misunderstanding, but representatives of Mr. Blue say that it will take more than simple lip service to put this situation to rest.

Where Are They Now? The Little Engine That Could But Didn't

By Ross D. Willard
Where Are There Now? New Never News

Everyone remembers the story of Ernie Engine, the ‘Little Engine that Could’ and the story of the day he made history by pulling one of the largest loads in history over the very tall hill. What most people don’t know about, or those who do know don’t talk much about, is what happened after that.

In anticipation of the fiftieth anniversary of Ernie’s journey, I hunted down that little engine, and what I found horrified me.

Ernie Engine isn’t in any museum, nor is he in an old engine home. Today, Ernie Engine is rusting away in an abandoned old railway yard, a few feet away from a caboose who gives out wheel jobs in exchange for coal, and the hollowed out remains of an old dining car.

“It’s my own fault.” Ernie coughs out, when I ask him what happened. “I had so much going for me. Endorsement deals, job offers. I could have had anything I wanted.”

Unfortunately for Ernie, what he wanted was to experiment.

“I got hooked up with the wrong crowd, loose cabooses, engines that smoked ‘questionable coal.’ And, yeah, I did some things I shouldn’t have. I guess I just figured, you know, I could quit when I wanted, and that my options would still be open.”

But things change, even for the most famous engine in the world. Wheels that once shone are now rusty, a chimney that used to be cleaned every day is almost completely blocked by soot, and Ernie hasn’t been oiled in years.

Eyeing the tall hill, just visible from his place in what amounts to a junkyard, Ernie contemplates, “Time was, I could pull anything over that hill. These days the real question is if I could pull my own self over it.”

When asked whether he could or not, Ernie replied, “Well, I think I can.”

Jack's Junk Is Out of The Trunk

By j.a. kazimer
Sports New Never News

Jack B. Nimble. Jack B. Quick. One of these jackasses jumped over a flaming candlestick, suffering third degree burns on his genital. Witnesses said, "Poor Jack's crotch was engulfed in flames. What kind of moron jumps over a candlestick?"

The Great Healthcare Debate

By j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News

Roger sat on a wall. Roger had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Roger back together again.

Poor Roger never had a chance. When did New Never City start allowing horses to administer medical care ? Their hoofs are just too damn big! An autopsy is scheduled for this afternoon, but there is no doubt in this reporter's mind that Roger died as a result of the hoof lodged in his chest.

I Have A Dream

Happy MLK Day! An amazing man with an amazing message. The dream is getting closer.

Jack & Jill In the Hot Seat After Lawsuit

By Ross D. Willard
Legal News New Never News

In a shocking turn of events, the Acme Pail Company has initiated a counter suit against Jack and Jill. As readers may recall, Jack and Jill initiated a suit against the company claiming that their Water Pail distribution center, located on top of a hill just outside of the city, failed to provide adequate safety measures. The two complainants contend that it was the lack of safety measures that resulted in their respective falls, and the head injury that put Jack in the hospital for the better part of a month.

Acme Pail Company’s counter suit alleges that Jack and Jill are con artists, and insurance scammers with a history of falsifying records and initiating frivolous lawsuits. Though neither party could be reached for comment, rumors are circulating that the pail company is issuing a subpoena for the testimony of the notorious H. Dumpty, a longtime insurance scammer, and the reputed ‘godfather’ of insurance scammers.

Coma Patient’s Woes, a Cautionary Fairy Tale

By Ross D. Willard
Nap Time New Never News

There was a time when Van had it all. A star athlete dating the most popular girl in school, he had a loving and wealthy family, and his future was all but guaranteed. These days Van is working a minimum wage job and sleeping at the local Y.

What happened? Just a few sips of alcohol. Oh, and about a hundred years.

According to Rip V. Winkle, Van to his friends, it was a normal, boring day, the kind of unremarkable time that wouldn’t have even garnered a note in his journal, if he hadn’t decided to take a shortcut home after school.

Everyone in New Neverland knows there are certain places you just don’t go after dark. Or just before dark. Or during the middle of the day. Well, back a hundred years ago, people didn’t know it quite as well. Van was looking for a way to shave a few minutes off his commute home. What he found was a bowling alley under a hill, a bunch of strange old men, and a few sips of alcohol that knocked him off his feet and kept him there for about a century.

Needless to say, Van’s girlfriend didn’t wait ten decades for him to show back up. His family ended up selling most of his stuff to get through the great depression. Oh, and that highschool diploma he was a few short months from getting isn’t going to be quite so easy to come by.

“Never mind how well he remembers it all,” a school official explained, “the simple fact is that a significant portion of what he learned in school is now obsolete. The math might be pretty much the same, but almost every other subject is completely changed, both in what’s taught, and how it’s taught.”

Van tells us that he’s going to try to get his G.E.D. and, after a couple of years, hopes to work his way up to a management position at the grocery store that employs him. But he also wants to give lectures at local highschools about the dangers of underage drinking.

Specifically, the dangers of underage drinking in bowling alleys under hills in the middle of the forest.

It’s a lesson all of the kids of the New Neverland need to know.

SWFairy Seeks Hook

By j.a. kazimer

Single, White, Fairy in need of applause seeks a Captain to give direction to her life. The ideal mate isn't afraid of commitment or alligators. Peter Pan Complex's need not apply.

~ Tinkerbelle

Missing Ants Stump Investigators

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

The ants go marching in, one by one, and they never marched back out according to New Never City officials. An investigation is pending.

Hurrah! Hurrah!

"Damn insects," a city official said. "Always marching in and out when they should be at home. Antarchy is what it is."

Tuffet Use On the Rise

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

New Never Police are concerned with the recent rise in the abuse of tuffets by local teens. "Curds and whey was bad enough, and now this?" declared one parent of a teen hospitalized after a tuffet incident. "It's that damn Justin Bieber. Kids see him sitting on a tuffet and think it's the thing to do."

Police are asking teens to stop licking random tuffets. "It just isn't worth it," Officer Muffet declared.

Missed Connections

by j.a. kazimer
Romance New Never News


~ You, a beautiful blonde wearing a silver/white dress that smalled faintly of pumpkins and pine sol.

~ Me, a prince with a foot fetish.

Would love to find you and maybe marry, if the shoe fits.

Princebook me.

Be All You Can Be in the Villain Union

by j.a. kazimer
Classifieds New Never News


Villainous Help Wanted

~ The New Never City Villainous Union is now hiring. Positions include henchman, villain, mad scientist, and janitor. You must complete a full background interrogation that includes a cavity search, as well as pass a drug test. We are an equal opportunity employer, expect for heroes. We really hate those guys. To learn more about the positions, or to receive an application, email us at

Free to A Good Home

by j.a. kazimer
Classifieds New Never News


Free to a good home

~ One self-important cricket with a stuffy British accent and a top hat.

If you're interested, please call the one and only, super cool DJ Pinocchio at (555)-REAL-BOY.

Blind Mice Charity a Scam

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Police arrested three kittens today in connection with a scheme to defraud New Never City residents out of their hard earned cheddar. The kittens asked residents to donate to The Blind Mice Foundation, claiming they were in fact, blind mice, when in truth, the kittens had only lost their mittens and feared their mother's reaction to the news. The Blind Mice Foundation raised nearly seven pounds of cheese before today's arrests. When asked for comment, one kitten declared, 'See, I told them we should run.'

Statue of Libertarians to be Destroyed

by j.a. kazimer
City Beat New Never News

A city councilwoman from Queen of Hearts has asked New Never City officials to remove the famous Statue of Libertarians, which stands in the center of main street in the heart of Queens of Hearts. The request came shortly after a resident was struck and killed by a bit of crumbling concrete falling from the statue's nose that eyewitnesses claim appeared to be 'a big booger falling from the sky'.

When asked about the construction, Councilwoman Alice de Wonderland stated, "Off with her head, and then the rest of her. Only then will our tea party's be safe from this libertarian menace."

Happy 2011!!!!!!

Happy New Year from The New Never News.

We hope this year brings you plenty of joy, laughs, and that someday your prince/princess/dwarf-in-drag will come!