Letter to the Editor
New Never News
Hey Diddle Diddle,
A Cat and a Fiddle? Really? Isn't this the sort of thing proponents of the same-silverware ban were talking about? Where's it stop? Next you'll be telling me a cow jumped over the moon, and there's a video of it available at the local library. What's happened to our great city?
~ A Spoon
Dear Spoon:
:P
~ The Editor
Showing posts with label Letter to the Editor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letter to the Editor. Show all posts
Letter to the Editor ~ WTF?
Dear Editor:
As a longtime reader of The New Never News, I am concerned with the current trend of scandalous/sensationalized rumors all too often presented to the reading public as news. These stories are nothing more than gossip and innuendo.
~ Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Duh.
~ The Editor
As a longtime reader of The New Never News, I am concerned with the current trend of scandalous/sensationalized rumors all too often presented to the reading public as news. These stories are nothing more than gossip and innuendo.
~ Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Duh.
~ The Editor
Letter to the Editor II
Ever since the first entrepreneur realized he could make a quick buck betting on the first sport, ever since the first athlete discovered that the smallest edge could mean the difference between glory and shame, cheating has been a part of sports. Normally I keep my nose out of debates about what constitutes cheating, and whether one player or another is likely to be guilty, but recent events have boiled even my blood.
In a recent grudge match, a longtime favorite racer, Harrison the Hare, known for winning nine of the last ten quarter mile races, and seven of the last ten five mile races at old McDonalds farm and racetrack, lost, in a stunning upset, to Toliver the Turtle. Toliver, who has not simply lost every race he has ever been in, but has come in dead last, each and every time, claims that simple perseverance is the secret of his victory. Toliver’s refusal, however, to submit to a urine test has created some well deserves skepticism in the racing community.
Though the unofficial status of this race means that Toliver can not be forced to submit to any kind of test, it is the view of this reporter that the questionable nature of this race should render any bets made on it moot. Even if no money was involved, and it was just a bet between two reporters on who would have to wear a dress to the next office meeting.
Ross D. Willard
In a recent grudge match, a longtime favorite racer, Harrison the Hare, known for winning nine of the last ten quarter mile races, and seven of the last ten five mile races at old McDonalds farm and racetrack, lost, in a stunning upset, to Toliver the Turtle. Toliver, who has not simply lost every race he has ever been in, but has come in dead last, each and every time, claims that simple perseverance is the secret of his victory. Toliver’s refusal, however, to submit to a urine test has created some well deserves skepticism in the racing community.
Though the unofficial status of this race means that Toliver can not be forced to submit to any kind of test, it is the view of this reporter that the questionable nature of this race should render any bets made on it moot. Even if no money was involved, and it was just a bet between two reporters on who would have to wear a dress to the next office meeting.
Ross D. Willard
Letter to the Editor
Dear Editor,
As a longtime reader of the New Never News, I wanted to start out by telling you how much I've enjoyed your articles over the years. The New Never News has never not been a noteworthy news source in a nation with no non-notable news networks. That said, in recent years I've become somewhat distressed by the lack of coverage of the various political issues of our day.
Certainly, you've kept us appraised of Prince Charming's all too common lapses in judgment, but when the New Never News is surprisingly silent on the larger issues. For example, recently several noted experts have suggested the possibility that Sleeping Beauty's multiple decades of bed rest may be caused, not by a curse, but Munchhausen syndrome by proxy. The fact that Sleeping Beauty's elder sister, Quite Dead Beauty, suffered a similar syndrome, and that Sleeping's symptoms occurred only after the unfortunate death of her sister do seem to lend some credence to the theory.
Also, recent accusations have surfaced against famed business mogul, Jack of the Beanstalk, that his vast fortune was gained, not through wise investments in junk bond, but through outright theft.
On these, and other issues, your paper has remained strangely silent, and I, for one, would like to know if it is a lack of interest on the part of management, or undo influences from these powerful political and business interests that have kept these stories out of the public limelight.
Sincerely,
T.H.E. Scarecrow Jr.
As a longtime reader of the New Never News, I wanted to start out by telling you how much I've enjoyed your articles over the years. The New Never News has never not been a noteworthy news source in a nation with no non-notable news networks. That said, in recent years I've become somewhat distressed by the lack of coverage of the various political issues of our day.
Certainly, you've kept us appraised of Prince Charming's all too common lapses in judgment, but when the New Never News is surprisingly silent on the larger issues. For example, recently several noted experts have suggested the possibility that Sleeping Beauty's multiple decades of bed rest may be caused, not by a curse, but Munchhausen syndrome by proxy. The fact that Sleeping Beauty's elder sister, Quite Dead Beauty, suffered a similar syndrome, and that Sleeping's symptoms occurred only after the unfortunate death of her sister do seem to lend some credence to the theory.
Also, recent accusations have surfaced against famed business mogul, Jack of the Beanstalk, that his vast fortune was gained, not through wise investments in junk bond, but through outright theft.
On these, and other issues, your paper has remained strangely silent, and I, for one, would like to know if it is a lack of interest on the part of management, or undo influences from these powerful political and business interests that have kept these stories out of the public limelight.
Sincerely,
T.H.E. Scarecrow Jr.
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