For more information on j.a. kazimer's new releases, contests, and events, visit WWW.JAKAZIMER.COM

Pay the Piper Today!

Pest Removal
by Shannon Lawrence

Have pests infiltrated your home? Can’t sit on a tuffet without a spider giving you a hard time? Talking mice judging your cooking? Sprites? Faeries? Creepy Crawlies?
Call the Pied Piper Exterminators! We’ll get rid of pests, both magical and mundane, for a song.


Obituary for This Little Piggy

Obituary for This Little Piggy
By j.a. kazimer
Death Writer New Never News

A sad day for the Little Piggy Family as the eldest, and biggest piggy succumbed to salmonella poisoning after eating some tainted roast beef. This Little Piggy was best known for his skill at marketing. He will be missed.

In other news, The Butcher has a sale on pork chops. Buy one and get a second one, half price. Supplies are limited.

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.

Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.
by Shannon Lawrence

Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,

My wife and I have a problem. I find I’m unable to eat any fatty foods without becoming ill, while my wife needs fat to be able to digest her meals. We’ve seen multiple doctors who have all said no such ailments exist. Have you heard of anything like this? Is there anything we can do?

Jack Sprat

Dear “No Fat” Jack,

What’s the big deal? There are plenty of non-fat foods out there for you, and tons of fatty foods for your wife. Instead of obsessing over what you can’t eat, eat what you can and stop complaining.

The Wizard

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing

Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News

Who says money can buy everything? Affluent New Never resident, Mr.
Toad, was jailed last night for street racing on Grimm’s highway. The
thrill seeking Toad lost control of his motorcar and veered into the
carriage lane, colliding with a pumpkin shortly after midnight. A
bruised squash was the only injury reported and Mr. Toad posted bail
early this morning with the help of his good friend Mr. Badger.

“He’s not a bad lad,” said Badger. “He just loves a good thrill.”

Mr. Toad has checked himself into The Willows Rehab Center in an
attempt to change his thrill seeking ways and avoid anything more than
a fifteen-minute jail sentence.
Delete ReplyReply Forwar

Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault

Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

New Never City Police arrested a young lady yesterday after an incident at the New Never City Zoo. The charge? Unlawful Sexual Contact. Eyewitnesses claim the young maiden was seen kissing random wildlife. When approached by police, she refused to drop her horny toady victim and was subsequently tased by officers. Other than a lipstick stain, the toad appeared unharmed after the attack.

Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition

Fairy Dust Incident Sees Youths in Critical Condition
by Shannon Lawrence

Several teens were hospitalized yesterday after partaking of the illegal, and often deadly, drug Fairy Dust. Witnesses say the youths climbed the infamous Humpty Dumpty Wall and yelled “We can fly, we can fly, we can fly” before leaping off, arms outstretched. The teens remain in critical condition at Fairy Tale General.
Fairy Dust is known for causing hallucinations and delusions of grandeur, and has become a large problem for New Never City’s police force. Sources say it comes out of Neverland, but there has not been a successful raid, to date, as the officers sent in never return. Odd notes have been received by family members, signed by the Wild Boyz, and stating that the officers are happier in Neverland.

A slight man dressed in all green is being sought for questioning as a person of interest, possibly the dealer who sold the youths the Fairy Dust. Our investigation turned up a prostitute who was dressed as a pirate and called herself Hook. “This whole situation is a ticking time bomb,” she stated. “You can practically hear the ticking. No, wait, really, do you hear that?”

If you have any information on Fairy Dust or local dealers, please contact the local police department.

Asthma Blamed for Death of Three Little Pigs

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

Last night, the New Never City Corner officially ruled the death of the Three Little Pigs to be an accident. For those who don't read the New Never News regularly, all Three Little Pigs were killed last month when their brick house exploded after faced with gale force winds.

The New Never City Police suspected foul play, after a witness came forward claiming he'd seen a big and slightly bad guy with lots of hair huffing and puffing near the pigs' home.

Police soon detained The Big Bad Wolf on suspicion of Pigacide, but released him shortly after.

Detective Goldie Locks was unavailable for comment at this time.

Talking Animals Trapped in Brer Park; PAC Called in by Police

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News

Police responding to a noise complaint in Brer Park were forced to call in the Paranormal Animal Control Unit (PAC) when they discovered a talking fox and his equally talented bear companion ensnared in the briar patch. It took several hours to free them, but they were ultimately able to scamper back into the wild, none the worse for their experience.

Police also report what may be a lost pet rabbit. Witnesses claim that said rabbit appeared to be laughing and pointing. If you have lost a rabbit with a sadistic sense of humor and think he may belong to you, please contact PAC with a description. Be prepared to provide a photograph.

Dwarfs Arrested After Short Fight

By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News

After a violent brawl in Easter Egg Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and a short battle soon ensued.

Doc, Dopey and Sneezie White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness. Bail is set for $10,000. A little amount, declared the Jolly Green District Attorney.

Old Mother Hubbard Committed

by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat

Old Mother Hubbard of New Never City’s Bare Cupboard District has been
committed to psychiatric treatment after complaints of her roaming the
streets mumbling and aloof.

“The poor dog, the poor dog, all she ever talks about is what she
needs to fetch for that poor dog,” one passerby commented.

In fact, Old Mother Hubbard frequents the District’s businesses many
times a day for her poor dog, even appearing delusional. Many business
owners have voiced concern for her in the past, citing her stories of
the poor dog smoking, dancing, goat riding, cat feeding, and even
dressing in clothes.

“Old Mother Hubbard is a little mixed up right now,” the doctor in
charge of the dame’s psych unit reported. “Once we get her to
understand the correct concept of “fetch”, she will be free to go.
That is, of course, the dog is to do the fetching.”

Meanwhile, the poor dog has been left to tend for himself.

Multiple Monkeys Hospitalized

by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News

In a horrifying weekend mishap, five little monkeys jumping on a bed have been hospitalized after one by one they fell off and bumped their heads. Zookeepers at the New Never City Zoo were unavailable for comment as to how the actual accident occurred, but rumors of counting sheep involvement persist.

Old Woman Arrested - Shoe Confiscated

By j.a. kazimer
New Never News Crime Beat

Hard times for all, but especially in the Kingdom of Maldetto where the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe was recently arrested in a child labor sting. She is accused of using child labor to weave knock off handbags in her shoe. Authorities quickly confiscated the shoe, leaving the Old Woman and her brood of kids with one option, move into section swamp housing.

When asked, the woman responded, "I just don't know what to do!"

Domestic Disturbance at Snow White’s

by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News

All the King’s Men were dispatched late last night to the third block
of New Never City’s Poison Apple Lane. Information is sketchy, but a
source close to the investigation tells us a neighbor reported hearing
loud shouts and ruckuses coming from Snow White’s cottage just before
the mouse ran up the clock.

The neighbor, identified by New Never News as “a mysterious old
woman,” claims Snow White’s tenants, seven surly dwarves, were to
blame. “One girl, seven men, it just couldn’t last,” the source

Snow White remains in hospital care, her condition listed as the
fairest of them all. Six of the dwarves, Bashful, Doc, Sneezy, Happy,
Grumpy, and Doppy, are being held without bond pending trial. Sleepy,
the only dwarf not involved, could not be reached for comment.

Chance of Falling Sky

By Shannon Lawrence
Weather, New Never News

In weather news today, our rival paper, Chicken Little Gazette, grossly over-exaggerated reports that the sky was falling. You can expect more rain and possibly some hail, but the sky will remain intact. No need to cancel your travel plans.

Red Hooded Serial Killer Strikes Again

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

The eighth victim of the red-hooded serial murderer was found in a wooded lot behind a nursing home over the weekend. The body is believed to be that of a baker reported missing a week ago. All the victims were located within one mile of the Little Red Senior Living Center. The police have no suspects in any of the crimes, but urge the public (especially those of the wolf race) to take extra precautions when wandering into the enchanted forest. A basket of goodies is being offered as a reward for any information leading to an arrest.

Little Boy Blue Not So Little Or Blue

by j.a. kazimer
Health, New Never News

Doctors discovered a cure for teenage depression over the weekend~Growing up. That's right. 100% of teenagers who grew up reported almost no symptoms of teenage depression. Of course, at least 80% are miserable adults, but science can't fix everything.

Mirror Mirror Heads Back to Rehab

By j.a. kazimer
Entertainment, New Never News

After years of living life on the bathroom vanity, Mirror, Mirror On the Wall is once again headed back for treatment. The famed fixture claims his addiction stems from lifelong fear of disappointing the women in his life. "Do you know how hard it is to lie to women every day for years? Who's the fairest of them all? Not you, sugar. Your butts the size of Prince Charming's ego and your face resembles the ugly stepsister's baby picture."

Old Woman Arrested for Running a Brothel

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

An old woman from the Prada side of town was arrested last night during a raid by New Never City police. The arrest came after police discovered what appeared to be an illegal brothel being run out of the old woman's home. Police took numerous socks in for questioning.

Robbery Leaves Police Puzzled

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News

The Golden Goose, a priceless artifact, has been stolen from the Crown Jewelry Store. The robbery occurred last night sometime between midnight and three A.M. There was no damage, and nothing else was taken. Police are baffled as to how the perpetrator gained entrance to the store.

A feathered cap and what appears to be some manner of hairball were found by the glass case, but there was no other evidence left behind. If you have any information about this robbery, please contact the New Never City police tip line at 1-800-WHO-DNIT.

Leading Cause of Death ~ Whistling

by j.a. kazimer
Health, New Never News

According to the miners union, the leading cause of miner related death is whistling while you work. Most of the reported deaths occurred by 'accident' according to mining experts: Doc, Dopey, and Homicidal. Miner Mogul, Snow White could not be reached for comment.

Possible Black Widow Operating in New Never City

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New never News

Police believe a black widow may be stalking the wealthy men of New Never City. Readers may recall the death of famed local wrestler, John “The Beast” Breckner, six months ago. At that time, police felt his death was accidental, but new evidence has come to light that indicates cold-blooded murder.

In addition, a charming prince's untimely death four years ago in Cin City is now believed to be related, as a single red rose was found at both crime scenes.

Detective Nosy, cousin to the seven dwarfs, warns the men of New Never City to be on the lookout for Beauty aka Belle aka Bonita. She is considered enchanting and dangerous. Use caution when approaching her and do not propose! Report any sightings immediately.

King’s Men Unable to Save Falling Man

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News

The King Fire Department was called out to Nursery Rhyme Lane today, after reports were received of an obese, drunken man stumbling along on top of a tall stone wall lining the road. When they arrived, they found a group of children yelling “Humpty Dumpty sucks” and throwing rocks at him. He lost his balance and tumbled from the wall, breaking every bone in his body, save for the pinkie finger on his right hand. He was taken by ambulance to the King County Hospital, but the King’s men could not put Mr. Humpty together again. The children were taken into custody and police are considering charges.

There will be a sunny side up service this Friday at the King’s Horse Racetrack, where Mr. Humpty spent much of his time (and money), for all the good it did him.

Woman Expected to Arrive

by j.a. kazimer
Travel, New Never News

"Is that her?" they whisper in hushed voices.

Excited fans from all over New Never City wait for a brief glimpse of six white horses that will tell them of the arrival of the woman from the other side of the mountain. Hundreds have come out to greet her. When she comes.

Simple Simon Sought

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

Local pieman told police he was accosted by New Never City resident, Simple Simon while attending the local fare. Police believe Simon is unarmed and not that dangerous. If you see Simon, make sure you sez, hi!

Three Men Arrested

by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyles, New Never News

Do I really have to say it?

Fine *sigh*

Rub a dub, dub,
Three men were arrested yesterday for indecency,
in a tub.

Fundraiser for Sheep

by j.a. kazimer
New Never News

Little Bo Peep has organized a fundraiser for one of her sheep who's heroic battle with Alopecia resulted in a total lost of wool. Baa Baa is expected to recover with help from your donations of three bags full.

Rolling Men Blamed for Dog Obesity

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

Community leaders are up in arms over the growing trend of dog obesity in New Never City. The problem is so widespread that dog owners have had to spread wide their front doors in order to let their dogs outside. Officials blame the problem on this old man who's favor mode of transportation is rolling home. Once there, he gives all the neighborhood dogs a bone.

Slow Economy Hits Elderly Hardiest

by j.a. kazimer
Economic, New Never News

The slow economy hits the elderly hardiest according to Old Mother Hubbard, a renowned economist with the Institute of Old People. Mother claims, "Nearly one in three old mother's have bare cupboards, and over one in two dogs have no bones."

The Mayor, Dog, declined to comment, siting his weakened state.

Funeral for Old King Cole

by j.a. kazimer
Obit, New Never News
Happy B-Day, Mom!

Old King Cole was a merry old soul. He was also pretty damn old, dying at the ripe old age of 245. He claimed he'd lasted so long due to three things ~ his pipe, his bowl, and rock-n-roll.

He will be missed.

His funeral will be held at The Tweedle Dum, Tweedle Dee Funeral Home just off Fairy-Second Street.

Grimm's Highway Closed

by j.a. kazimer
Construction, New Never News

Grimm's Highway will be closed temporarily while road crews fix the London Street Bridge. New Never City Department of Transportation Manager, My Fair Lady, stated, "The bridge has been falling down for years. It's time we do something about it."

Hundreds Hurt After Attack

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

In a rash of alarming attacks, two emergency rooms at local New Never City hospitals quickly became overrun with the injured. One doctor said, "It was horrible. Some of the victims were missing ears, others were missing tails. What kind of monster would do something like this?"

Police have no suspects in the bunny mutilations.

Morning Fire Destroys Shoe

by j.a. kazimer
Fire Watch, New Never News

An early morning fire broke out in the New Never City area known as Prada. Firefighters suspect the fire started following a foot race between an old woman and her numerous children. No one was hurt in the fire, but the flames destroyed a pair of clogs.

Jack's Not So Nimble

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

According to court records, Jack B. Nimble was recently apprehended by Detective Goldie Locks of the New Never City Police Department after he allegedly stole a van filled with puddin' & pie on its way to The Georgie Porgie Cafe. Witnesses told police Jack was seen running away following the crime.

Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush

by j.a. kazimer
Huh? New Never News

Why? Does anybody know what's on the other side? I tried googling it, but nothing came up.

Outrage Over Inter-Species Marriage

by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyle New Never News

Outrage over inter-species marriage draws hundreds of flies to local church where the inter species marriage took place later Saturday. One opponent of the marriage declared, "Fiddle Dee Dee, a fly has married a bee. What's next? Adam marrying Steve?"

Oddly enough, Adam and Steve decided to elope.

Do Brits Stink?

by j.a. kazimer
For Daniel, New Never News

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! I smell an Brit!

According to the latest research by the Giant Institute of the Beanstalk, despite the long held belief, the blood of people of English decent does not in fact smell any worse than any other nationality.

Prince Arrested

By j.a. kazimer
Happy Tax Day, New Never News

Local prince, Charming, was recently arrested at the New Never City Famous Slipperwear shop when a clerk complained the prince had sniffed a female customer's shoe. The prince denied the allegation, claiming, "I was merely admiring said slipper...with my nostrils."

Police gave him a $50 fine sent him to bed without his porridge.

Paw Found in Cheesy Doodles

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

The New Never City Health Department closed down The Three Blind Mice Tavern after a customer complained about finding a tiny white paw in his cheesy doodle platter. When asked about the incident, the head chef, Lefty, said, "What do you expect? I'm blind, you dolt."

The tavern is now under new management, but this reporter was unable to contact the chef at the newly renovated, Three Deaf Rats Tavern. The phone just rang and rang.

Wicked Queen Promotes An Apple A Day Awareness

by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News

An apple a day will keep the doctor away, says the Wicked Queen. She further demonstrated the fact by offering local girl, Snow White, a bite of a red delicious hand picked by the queen's semi-faithful woodsmen.

Snow White declared the apple, "Delicio...choke...cough...cough..." And fainted dead away with delight at her treat.

Aladdin Caught Rubbing His Lamp

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Local entertainer, Aladdin of Aladdin's Playhouse was arrested last night during a police sting at a local 'movie' theater. Apparently, the star was a bit...handies with a certain...object during the movie, Your Carpet or Mine.

The lamp in question refused to press charges.

Suspected Bat Molestor Captured

by j.a. kazimer
Happy Birthday, Dad
New Never News

New Never City Police shut down Grimm's Highway today after a local man, suspected in a string of baseball bat molestations, was pulled over and taken into custody by police. The suspect claimed, "I was merely giving Louis (the underage wooden bat in his car) a ride home." But physical evidence, in the form of the name's elongated nose, suggested there was more to his story.

Ant Pride Day

by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyle New Never News

This Friday downtown New Never City will be overrun with crazy costumes and dance numbers as ants all over the city celebrate Ant Pride Day. Festivities begin with the yearly Ant Pride March, where members of the ant community take to the streets carrying hundreds of times there weight.

I really want to be in that number.

But, alas, I wasn't invited to the picnic.

Dancers Wanted

Help Wanted

Old Mother Hubbard's All Bare Cupboard is currently looking for dancers to work the morning shift. Ugly stepsisters need not apply.

WANTED: Someone to Row a Boat to Shore

Help Wanted:

Now hiring for a boat rower to go gently down the stream. Must think life is but a dream.

Apply today.

Prince Claims Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes

by j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

In the landmark divorce proceedings, famous prince, The Prince, claims that former wife, Rapunzel spent millions of dollars of the couples estate on hair extension and hair dye. Rapunzel denied the claims, but later changed her testimony when lawyers submitted photographs as evidence. The pictures show a nearly bald headed Rapunzel preparing for her morning wigging.

Teens Sought Following Accident

By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News

The New Never Police Department has issued a statement in the recent hit-and-run attack on an as-of-yet unidentified homeless man.

The incident occurred two nights ago up at makeout ridge, a popular hangout for highschool couples. According to police, the homeless man in question, who appears to have been suffering from a stroke and was seeking help, tried to get the attention of some youths. As he was unable to speak, he appears to have dragged his hook along the side of their car in order to gain their attention.

Police say that the teens in question not only failed to render aid to the ailing man, who is, most likely, a disabled veteran, but drove off after the man’s hook became trapped in the car handle, ripping the hook off of his arm and causing needless injury to the man.

Paint chips at the crime scene indicate that the car in question was light blue. Police are offering a reward for any information that results in the capture of these two malicious offenders.

Princess Found Dead, Police Baffled

By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News

“The body was discovered at seven o’clock this morning, by one of the maids. We’ve interviewed her thoroughly and dismissed her as a suspect in the case.” This was the only statement the police were willing to give in the still open case of Princess Fallfar, whose recent demise has shocked the city. Or, at least the castle. The people in the castle that met her, anyways.

According to inside sources, Princess Fallfar arrived in the city late last night and, being a princess, drove directly to the castle looking for a place to stay.

“Normally, when princesses show up in the middle of the night, we set them up with a room, and arrange for one of the princes to wake her up with a kiss in the morning. They get married the next day, have a nice happily ever after weekend, and the whole thing gets annulled the next week.” Explained a source who wished to remain anonymous. “But this time, there was a problem.”

The princess appeared to be traveling without her papers.

“It’s not unheard of.” Our expert has informed us. “But it is bad form. I mean, the last thing a prince wants to do is have a nice happily ever after weekend and then find out he’s just married a weekend. Things tend to get dicey. Lawyers get involved, people have to be paid off. A prince who isn’t looking for a scandal, well, he just has to be sure.”

Uncertain the status of their guest, the servants were instructed to make special arrangements for their guest.

“I don’t know what it was all about.” One young squire confided. “I just do what I’m told. When I’m told to get a hundred mattresses and stack them to the sky, that’s just what I do.”

Where exactly the instructions originated, nobody is certain, and why the princess (it has been confirmed that Fallfar was indeed a princess) couldn’t get comfortable that night, nobody knows. What is known is that tossing and turning on top of a pile of one hundred mattresses isn’t the safest activity in the world.

The police have not labeled the death foul play, but they do admit that they found something at the bottom of the mattresses that may be a vital clue in their investigation.

Mirror Mirror Deciding Vote in Beauty Contest

by Ross D. Willard
TV New Never News

Longtime celebrity bad-boy, Mirror Mirror finds himself embroiled in yet another scandal. Last week, Mirror Mirror, the guest judge in the New Never’s Next Top Model, cast the deciding vote that cinched Sleeping Beauty as this years winner.

Fans shouted foul when, a few days later, Mirror Mirror and Ms. Beauty were spotted out together. Ms. Beauty claims that her relationship with Mirror Mirror began after they met on NNNTP, but Snow White’s management contends that their budding relationship has put the integrity of the show in question, and are calling for a new final episode with a new celebrity judge.

Mirror Mirror has issued a statement of his own, calling Snow White a sore loser. In a personal interview, Mirror Mirror, leaning up against a wall, reaffirmed, “Sleeping’s the hottest of them all.”

Greatest Oil Spill in New Never City History Blames on Michael

By j.a. kazimer
Environmental Beat New Never News

Ten years ago today, Michael rowed his boat ashore, causing one of the greatest natural disasters in New Never City history, as twenty billion gallons of cooking oil coated the beachfront.

Many worried that the local economy would never rebound, yet, the New Never City townsfolk, hefted their pitchforks, and got back to work, changing the landscape into a haven for fans of all fried foods.


Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Bakery Opens

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum!
I smell the scent of english muffins!
Fresh ground coffee too!

The Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Bakery is now open on the corner of Beanstalk and Piggy Way. Come on down for some fresh baked goodies that even the biggest, badest will love. Take a few home to grandma too!

The CAT to Play at the New Never City Faire

by j.a. kazimer
Music Beat New Never News

The seventy year old music legend, The CAT will be joining an already fabulous line up at this summer's New Never City Faire. The CAT will play such hits as Hey Diddle Diddle I Think You Broke My Fiddle, and the timeless classic, Did That Cow Jump Over the Moon or Am I Just Stoned?. The faire runs from June 13 - June 19th.

One Dead After Accident on Grimm's Highway

By j.a. kazimer
Traffic New Never News

Traffic snarled on Grimm's Highway earlier today after a mid-morning accident. Police blame the accident on some rather strange circumstances. It seems a group of birds with similarly colored plumes began flocking together under the Over the Moon Underpass, causing the dish and his mate, the spoon, to veer off the highway and crash into a brick wall where a young egg sat. The egg did not survive the fall.

Bakery Vandals Captured

By Shannon K. Lawrence
Crime Beat New Never News

A string of vandalism of local bakeries within the last few months may finally be at an end. Police took alleged vandals Hansel Ericsson and Gretel Ericsson into custody today, thanks to an anonymous tip. Calling themselves The Step-Kids, they made a defiant statement via their public defender:

“All these bakeries are run by murderous witches! They’re getting what they deserve.”

One of their victims, Jemma Stinson of Gingerbread Haus Bakery, claims the worst part is the pigeons. “Those little twerps sprinkled bread crumbs all over the place. Bread crumbs! What am I supposed to do about all these bird droppings?”

This is, indeed, a good question, as her once quaint brown store, trimmed in candy-colored glass and lights, is now completely white. When confronted, Hansel said, “That witch will be lucky if she doesn’t bake in the electric chair.”

Asked why they were so determined to punish her, he became crazed, screaming about serial killers and ovens. Police say they are investigating these statements.

Little Bo Peep Arrested in Sting

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Little Bo Peep was arrested last night at Old Mother Hubbard's All Bare Cupboard for exposing it all during her on-stage performance. Police sources confirmed that the twenty-year-old Peep was arrested after engaging in a for-profit peep show. She will be formally charged this afternoon for public peeping.

Doctors Warn of a Possible Plague of Green

by j.a. kazimer
Irish New Never News

For the past few years doctors have noticed an odd illness in ERs across New Never City every March 17th. The condition is much like the flu with symptoms ranging from headache, stomach upset, green diarrhea. Many sufferers claim memory loss and hallucinations of pink rabbits. So be vigilant this March 17th. Drink plenty of fluids, and avoid anyone who looks a little green.

Pilot Feared Dead in Crash

By j.a. kazimer
Oops New Never News

A well-loved New Never City resident, pilot Aladdin is feared dead following the crash of his magic carpet in the hills overlooking the city. The Fairy Flight Administration suspects thread unravel was the cause of the crash, but won't be able to say for sure until a 40 day and 40 night investigation is completed.

Come Over to the Fairly Darkside

If you haven't already, join the fairly darkside by entering j.a. kazimer's monthly contest. I give away a pretty cool prize every month, and all's you have to do is enter at It's really that easy. I vow not to share your information, but even more important, I'll try my very hardest not to stalk you. It's not a promise, but I will try!

This month's prize is a copy of my book, The Body Dwellers, plus a bunch of other book lover swag, and maybe even a few more books (not by me, but by some really great authors I happen to love!)

So enter today at

~ All Kidding Aside ~ Tolls to Rise

By j.a. kazimer
Highway Beat New Never News

According to the New Never City Highway Department, our fair city's bridge tolls will soon rise. Why one might ask?

To pay for those in our city who refuse to pay their own way. Namely, GOATS. The toll bridge operator, Troll, explained, "Those cheap bastards (referring to goats) refuse to pay the tolls. And worse, they're gruff when the refuse too!"

Jill Suspected in Murder

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

According to New Never City Police, famous twin, Jill, is suspected in the disappearance and possible murder of her brother, Jack, following their 'kidnapping' two weeks ago.

If you remember, Jack and his sister were reported missing by their parents, launching a citywide umber alert. Later, Jill was discovered unhurt on top a hill with a large bucket of water. She claimed the twins had been kidnapped and forced to carry the water bucket up a hill. She also stated she had no idea where her brother had gone.

Police suspected foul play and started an investigation, which let to Jill's arrest.

Woman Sited Following Car Accident

By j.a. kazimer
Street Beat New Never News

The younger of Cinderella's stepsisters was sited by police yesterday following a three car collision on Grimm's Highway.

The charge? Being ugly, of course.

According to the arresting officer, the accident occurred when the ugly stepsister jaywalked across the highway, and a truck full of chickens narrowed avoided hitting her ugly mug.

When asked why the ugly stepsister cross the road, the police responded, "To get to the other side, you idiot."

Royal Wedding ~ Yeah, Right!

By j.a. kazimer
Royalty New Never News

In a shocking turn of events, commoner favorite, Prince Charming, has asked a scullery maid to be his future wife. A SCULLERY MAID! While this reporter's sure maid maiden Cinderella has some good points, one cannot overlook her career choice. She cleans toilets for frog sakes! Which oddly enough is how the couple met.

The queen was unavailable for comment. "My lady hasn't stopped crying," told the palace butler.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall Arrested for Possession

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

A sad day for the acting community, as the famed stage actor, Mirror Mirror On The Wall, was arrested for possession of a controlled substance after a video surfaced showing the actor snorting a white powder substance from himself. The actor recently spent a month hanging around his house while going through intensive rehab for drug addiction.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Changes His Name

By Bob Smith
Legal New Never News

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has officially changed his name after a lawsuit filed by John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for copyright infringement. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt's new name is Bob Smith. Which is oddly my name too, and whenever I go out, people tend to shout...Bob Smith, Where the hell is my money?!

Old MacDonald Free On Bond

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Old MacDonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.
And on that farm he had a seventy-five marijuana plants worth $150,000, EE-I-EE-I-O,
With a bond set at 150,000 dollars no one expected him to get out
Here a bond, there a bond, everywhere a bond
Old MacDonald had a stint in jail, EE-I-EE-I-O.

Now he's free on bond until his court date on March 25th.

Railroad Employees Deemed Insane

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

In a landmark decision, a New Never City Federal Judge declared railroad employees insane. When asked why he'd made such a determination, he stated, "Have you ever worked your fingers to the bone just to pass the time away? They do. It's just not natural."

Railroad workers couldn't comment over the blowing of the horn.

Law Forbids Screaming

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

In a 3 to 7 vote, New Never City Council Members passed a law banning the screaming for any and all frozen desserts. The mayor said, "I won't scream, and you better not scream for Ice Cream, or you'll find yourself in jail!"

Hushing Little Baby Lands Mom in Jail

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New never News

A New Never City Mother finds herself in jail after hushing her baby in public. "We just don't do that sort of thing on the city streets," said one New Never City Official. "She was just standing there, her baby in her arms, hushing it for all the world to see."

The mother's attorney had no comment. On the other hand, the baby claimed he'd received no compensation for his hushing in any form, especially not the promised mockingbird or diamond ring.

A hearing is set for this afternoon.

What's Good for the Goose Really Isn't Good for the Gander

By j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

It's an age-old lesson.

What's good for a goose isn't always good for the gander. Take salt for example. I feed my goose two tablespoons full of salt a day. He loved it. Did the same for my gander, and now, he takes three pills a day for his high blood pressure.

Anybody want to buy a gander with heart disease?

Farmers On Strike

By j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

Your cheese won't be too fresh in the upcoming weeks as a group of farmers call for a New Never City wide strike after an incident involing the farmer, his wife, and a dell. Surfice it to say, there should be laws protecting the most innocent of our farm animals, the cow, against the taking of said farm animal.

Hi-ho, the derry-o, Indeed!

Kids Reported Missing

By j.a. kazimer
Amber Alert New Never News

Jack and Jill went up a hill, and no one has seen the fraternal twins since. In a related story, a young man suffering from amnesia was discovered walking along Grimm's Highway, carrying a bucket of water. Police ask anyone with information regarding the twins or the young man to contact them.

Fifth Victim Found

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

A fifth unidentified victim in the red hooded serial killer case was found in a field off the Mother Goose Freeway. Police are stumped. If you have any information about the victim, a wolf wearing large woman's underwear also known as granny panties, police ask you to contact them.

Ugly Duckling Kills Two at Zoo

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Troubled duckling was arrested last night following the murder of two swans at the New Never City Zoo. When questioned, the duckling responded, "Who's ugly now, bitch?"

Happy VD Day

by j.a. kazimer
Health New Never News


An apple a day might keep the doctor away, but your significant other might kill you. Remember on this holiest of holidays, fruit doesn't replace condoms when it comes to STD protection.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What? You Don't Like Free Gift Cards?

Time is slowly running out to enter the February drawing for a $20 gift card from Amazon or Barnes & Noble. All's you have to do to win is submit your name and email address at

Not only will you be entered into this month's contest, but you'll have a shot to win a fabulous prize (bear in mind how subjective the term fabulous really is) each month.

What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation...

Mystique Roadshow Comes to Town

By Ross D. Willard
TV New Never News

We’ve all seen an episode or two, and everyone has dreamed of finding out that old pot they found in the attic is actually an antique. Well, the time has come to dig up those old relics your great grandfather passed down just before he passed away, and make your way to the Cutlass Convention Center, because the rumors are true, Mystique Roadshow has come to town!

From sword experts to professional gemologists, you’ll be hard pressed to bring anything in that they don’t have an expert in. And you never know what trinket you might be holding onto that’s worth its weight in gold. Or more.

“I’ve been eating my curds and wey out of this bowl for years!” Miss Muffet told us with a bewildered smile on her face. “I knew my mother used the same bowl, and her mother, but to find out that it dates back almost three hundred years! I just can’t believe it!”

But for every story of treasure found, there are a dozen, heartbreaking, near misses.

“Even in this condition, he said that an intact piece was worth a king’s ransom. But with the genie missing, apparently it’s almost completely worthless.” One young woman told us with a sad smile on her face. “Grandpa Aladdin never was very good at keeping things up, but letting that Genie go? Sometimes I can’t believe how irresponsible he could be.”

Lottery Winner Celebrates in Style

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. Then she won the lottery, and everything changed.

“Are you kidding me? I can finally afford to put them through college. I mean, not all of them are going to college, of course, Rick and Michael are both apprenticing as plumbers already, and they seem to like it. Tina, Trixi and Roxanne will put anything I give them towards starting that restaurant. Sam, Jordan, Kayla and Mirriam are trying to get that band of theirs off the ground, while Lisa, Harry, George and Bobbi are almost done with trade school. Carrie and Michelle are both getting married, so I guess I can help with the wedding now. But for the rest of them? Oh, yeah, it’s going into college funds.”

And for herself?

“Well,” the little old lady blushed, “I have to admit, living in this boot has gotten a little old. I was looking at a nice, strapless stiletto on the other side of town.”

City Council to Debate Zoning Restrictions

By Ross D. Willard
City Desk New Never News

The New Never City Council is scheduled to have an open hearing tonight. Among the topics on the agenda is a possible reexamination of zoning definitions. At stake? The deference between a large garden and a small farm.

“It’s about time. We at the home owner’s association have been pushing for this discussion for three years.”

And what prompted this three year quest? What else, but an eighty foot beanstalk.

“When my son brought home those beans, I had no idea that they anything but your standard, every day bean-pole beans,” Ms. Black told us. “But once I found out what they really were, the first thing I did was clear out the rest of my garden, to make sure I would be in compliance with the square footage limitations.

“It’s eight stories high!” Countered Mrs. Green. “It’s a farm, it just happens to be a vertical farm instead of horizontal.”

With passions as high as these, tonight’s meeting promises to be entertaining, no matter what the decision.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

By Ross D. Willard
Sports New Never News

Grudge Match!

It only happens once a year, but when it happens, the world stands still. Well, maybe not the whole world, but the Humpty district of New Never certainly does hold it’s breath.

Tonight is the annual grudge match football game between heated rivals, All the King’s Horses Academy, and All the King’s Men Highschool. Though neither team is likely to end up in this years championship, tonight’s competition is expected to be the most well attended game of the year, and New Never’s police force is sending several extra units to prevent any more ‘incident’s’ similar to the unfortunate car flipping spree of last year.

What started this bitter rivalry, nobody can remember, but one thing is certain, it’ll take more than a simple football game to put Humpty District back together again.

Wicked Witch Dies After Fall of Housing Market

By j.a. kazimer
Business New Never News

In spite of all indicators, the recession is not over. Just ask the Wicked Witch of the West, who was killed today when a house, recently foreclosed on by the mayor of munchkin, fell on top of her. The house was driven by a illegal immigrant from Kansas.

The wicked witch's sister, Glenda the Good stated, "We knew it was coming, but it was still a shock. I mean, really, a house? What kind of person drops a house on someone?"

The Wicked Witch's next of kin, The Wizard, was unavailable for comment.

Singing Mermaid Washed Up

By j.a. kazimer
Where Are They Now? New Never News

A fisherman made a gruesome discovery this morning - the body of famed singer, The Little Mermaid, who apparently washed ashore following high tide. By the large gouge marks marring her throat, police suspect foul play. An autopsy scheduled for tomorrow will confirm. Her manager, Captain Hook, could not be reached for comment.

Meter Maidens Claim Sexual Harassment

By j.a. kazimer
Legal News New Never News

All over New Never City, Meter Maidens are quitting, claiming sexual harassment at the hands of New Never City Parking Comissioner, Jolly Green-Gaint. Former Meter Maiden, Snow White states, "He stands around, saying things like, 'Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant' and then waggles his leafy eyebrows. It's disgusting."

The mayor of New Never City is looking into the allegations.

WIN $20 Gift Card

The New Never News in connection with reporter, j.a. kazimer, will be giving away a monthly prize to anyone who enters the contest at

This month's prize is a $20 Gift Card.

Enter once and you're eligible to win any prize.

This Little Piggy Arrested For Public Urination

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

The youngest brother of the This Little Piggy family was arrested this afternoon after going wee-wee-wee all the way home. Police received numerous complaints from neighbors following the alleged peeing incident.

Captain Smee of the New Never City PD stated, "When units arrived on scene, they noticed a thin trail of urine leading all the way to the Piggy house. Following, police arrested the youngest piggy."

One neighbor angrily shouted, "What's this city coming to? Our brick road used to be white, but now look at it..."

Mother Arrested For Child...Um...Abuse?

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

A mother was arrested today after firefighters located her newborn baby in a tree top. The baby appeared unharmed, but firefighters were concerned over the possibility of the bough breaking, and the baby falling, and then down would come baby, landing on his squishy newborn head.

Fire at the Clock Plant, Midnight Believed to be the Cause

By j.a. kazimer
Arson New Never News

A fire overnight at the Clock Factory caused extensive damage, but no reports of lives lost. Well, with the exception of one, little mouse. Who witness, Hickory Dickory of the New Never City Dorks, said, ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, causing the friction blamed for starting the blaze.

Family members could not be reached for comment, as they are away attending a seminar for the blind.

Letter to the Editor ~ Didn't Ask, So Why Tell?

Letter to the Editor
New Never News

Hey Diddle Diddle,

A Cat and a Fiddle? Really? Isn't this the sort of thing proponents of the same-silverware ban were talking about? Where's it stop? Next you'll be telling me a cow jumped over the moon, and there's a video of it available at the local library. What's happened to our great city?

~ A Spoon

Dear Spoon:


~ The Editor

Sheep Busted in Counterfeiting Operation

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

Baa Baa Black Sheep will spend eight years in the federal pen ordered Judge Mary following his conviction by a jury of Judge Mary's Little Lambs on three counts of counterfeiting after a sting recorded Baa Baa selling knock-off bags of wool.

Baa Baa claimed the sting was entrapment. "I told the dude I didn't have any wool, but he insisted...." Baa Baa told the court at his sentencing.

The Pauper Declares Bankruptcy

By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News

A sad day for New Never City. The economic downturn resulted in budgets cuts city wide, including a reduction in Henchman, Fire-ants, and Happily Ever Afters. But, in a surprise move, the city's famed Pauper, has declared bankruptcy.

When we asked his friend, the Prince, for comment, he said, "Who? A pauper? Why would I know this poor person?"

Virtuoso Denied Entrance to Club

By Ross D. Willard
Lifestyles New Never News

“It’s more than just an insult, it’s a slap in the face to musicians and performers everywhere.”

The comment, directed at the owners of Studio 65, came after an incident last night when the famed trumpeter and virtuoso ‘Little Boy Blue’ was refused access to the club. Onlookers reported that the doorman to the club told the trumpeter to ‘get lost’ and ‘to blow his horn’ after the performer repeatedly asked to be allowed in.

Ironically, at one point during the altercation, Mr. Blue’s music could clearly be heard playing in the club.

Management insists that the incident was an unfortunate misunderstanding, but representatives of Mr. Blue say that it will take more than simple lip service to put this situation to rest.

Where Are They Now? The Little Engine That Could But Didn't

By Ross D. Willard
Where Are There Now? New Never News

Everyone remembers the story of Ernie Engine, the ‘Little Engine that Could’ and the story of the day he made history by pulling one of the largest loads in history over the very tall hill. What most people don’t know about, or those who do know don’t talk much about, is what happened after that.

In anticipation of the fiftieth anniversary of Ernie’s journey, I hunted down that little engine, and what I found horrified me.

Ernie Engine isn’t in any museum, nor is he in an old engine home. Today, Ernie Engine is rusting away in an abandoned old railway yard, a few feet away from a caboose who gives out wheel jobs in exchange for coal, and the hollowed out remains of an old dining car.

“It’s my own fault.” Ernie coughs out, when I ask him what happened. “I had so much going for me. Endorsement deals, job offers. I could have had anything I wanted.”

Unfortunately for Ernie, what he wanted was to experiment.

“I got hooked up with the wrong crowd, loose cabooses, engines that smoked ‘questionable coal.’ And, yeah, I did some things I shouldn’t have. I guess I just figured, you know, I could quit when I wanted, and that my options would still be open.”

But things change, even for the most famous engine in the world. Wheels that once shone are now rusty, a chimney that used to be cleaned every day is almost completely blocked by soot, and Ernie hasn’t been oiled in years.

Eyeing the tall hill, just visible from his place in what amounts to a junkyard, Ernie contemplates, “Time was, I could pull anything over that hill. These days the real question is if I could pull my own self over it.”

When asked whether he could or not, Ernie replied, “Well, I think I can.”