Mr. Toad Jailed for Street Racing
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat, New Never News
Who says money can buy everything? Affluent New Never resident, Mr.
Toad, was jailed last night for street racing on Grimm’s highway. The
thrill seeking Toad lost control of his motorcar and veered into the
carriage lane, colliding with a pumpkin shortly after midnight. A
bruised squash was the only injury reported and Mr. Toad posted bail
early this morning with the help of his good friend Mr. Badger.
“He’s not a bad lad,” said Badger. “He just loves a good thrill.”
Mr. Toad has checked himself into The Willows Rehab Center in an
attempt to change his thrill seeking ways and avoid anything more than
a fifteen-minute jail sentence.
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Showing posts with label Arrested. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Arrested. Show all posts
Dwarfs Arrested After Short Fight
By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News
After a violent brawl in Easter Egg Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and a short battle soon ensued.
Doc, Dopey and Sneezie White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness. Bail is set for $10,000. A little amount, declared the Jolly Green District Attorney.
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News
After a violent brawl in Easter Egg Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and a short battle soon ensued.
Doc, Dopey and Sneezie White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness. Bail is set for $10,000. A little amount, declared the Jolly Green District Attorney.
Old Mother Hubbard Committed
by Alicia Howie
Crime Beat
Old Mother Hubbard of New Never City’s Bare Cupboard District has been
committed to psychiatric treatment after complaints of her roaming the
streets mumbling and aloof.
“The poor dog, the poor dog, all she ever talks about is what she
needs to fetch for that poor dog,” one passerby commented.
In fact, Old Mother Hubbard frequents the District’s businesses many
times a day for her poor dog, even appearing delusional. Many business
owners have voiced concern for her in the past, citing her stories of
the poor dog smoking, dancing, goat riding, cat feeding, and even
dressing in clothes.
“Old Mother Hubbard is a little mixed up right now,” the doctor in
charge of the dame’s psych unit reported. “Once we get her to
understand the correct concept of “fetch”, she will be free to go.
That is, of course, the dog is to do the fetching.”
Meanwhile, the poor dog has been left to tend for himself.
Crime Beat
Old Mother Hubbard of New Never City’s Bare Cupboard District has been
committed to psychiatric treatment after complaints of her roaming the
streets mumbling and aloof.
“The poor dog, the poor dog, all she ever talks about is what she
needs to fetch for that poor dog,” one passerby commented.
In fact, Old Mother Hubbard frequents the District’s businesses many
times a day for her poor dog, even appearing delusional. Many business
owners have voiced concern for her in the past, citing her stories of
the poor dog smoking, dancing, goat riding, cat feeding, and even
dressing in clothes.
“Old Mother Hubbard is a little mixed up right now,” the doctor in
charge of the dame’s psych unit reported. “Once we get her to
understand the correct concept of “fetch”, she will be free to go.
That is, of course, the dog is to do the fetching.”
Meanwhile, the poor dog has been left to tend for himself.
Three Men Arrested
by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyles, New Never News
Do I really have to say it?
Fine *sigh*
Rub a dub, dub,
Three men were arrested yesterday for indecency,
in a tub.
Lifestyles, New Never News
Do I really have to say it?
Fine *sigh*
Rub a dub, dub,
Three men were arrested yesterday for indecency,
in a tub.
Hundreds Hurt After Attack
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News
In a rash of alarming attacks, two emergency rooms at local New Never City hospitals quickly became overrun with the injured. One doctor said, "It was horrible. Some of the victims were missing ears, others were missing tails. What kind of monster would do something like this?"
Police have no suspects in the bunny mutilations.
Crime Beat, New Never News
In a rash of alarming attacks, two emergency rooms at local New Never City hospitals quickly became overrun with the injured. One doctor said, "It was horrible. Some of the victims were missing ears, others were missing tails. What kind of monster would do something like this?"
Police have no suspects in the bunny mutilations.
Prince Arrested
By j.a. kazimer
Happy Tax Day, New Never News
Local prince, Charming, was recently arrested at the New Never City Famous Slipperwear shop when a clerk complained the prince had sniffed a female customer's shoe. The prince denied the allegation, claiming, "I was merely admiring said slipper...with my nostrils."
Police gave him a $50 fine sent him to bed without his porridge.
Aladdin Caught Rubbing His Lamp
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Local entertainer, Aladdin of Aladdin's Playhouse was arrested last night during a police sting at a local 'movie' theater. Apparently, the star was a bit...handies with a certain...object during the movie, Your Carpet or Mine.
The lamp in question refused to press charges.
Suspected Bat Molestor Captured
by j.a. kazimer
Happy Birthday, Dad
New Never News
New Never City Police shut down Grimm's Highway today after a local man, suspected in a string of baseball bat molestations, was pulled over and taken into custody by police. The suspect claimed, "I was merely giving Louis (the underage wooden bat in his car) a ride home." But physical evidence, in the form of the name's elongated nose, suggested there was more to his story.
Little Bo Peep Arrested in Sting
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Little Bo Peep was arrested last night at Old Mother Hubbard's All Bare Cupboard for exposing it all during her on-stage performance. Police sources confirmed that the twenty-year-old Peep was arrested after engaging in a for-profit peep show. She will be formally charged this afternoon for public peeping.
Jill Suspected in Murder
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
According to New Never City Police, famous twin, Jill, is suspected in the disappearance and possible murder of her brother, Jack, following their 'kidnapping' two weeks ago.
If you remember, Jack and his sister were reported missing by their parents, launching a citywide umber alert. Later, Jill was discovered unhurt on top a hill with a large bucket of water. She claimed the twins had been kidnapped and forced to carry the water bucket up a hill. She also stated she had no idea where her brother had gone.
Police suspected foul play and started an investigation, which let to Jill's arrest.
Mirror Mirror On The Wall Arrested for Possession
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
A sad day for the acting community, as the famed stage actor, Mirror Mirror On The Wall, was arrested for possession of a controlled substance after a video surfaced showing the actor snorting a white powder substance from himself. The actor recently spent a month hanging around his house while going through intensive rehab for drug addiction.
Law Forbids Screaming
By j.a. kazimer
Legal New Never News
In a 3 to 7 vote, New Never City Council Members passed a law banning the screaming for any and all frozen desserts. The mayor said, "I won't scream, and you better not scream for Ice Cream, or you'll find yourself in jail!"
Hushing Little Baby Lands Mom in Jail
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New never News
A New Never City Mother finds herself in jail after hushing her baby in public. "We just don't do that sort of thing on the city streets," said one New Never City Official. "She was just standing there, her baby in her arms, hushing it for all the world to see."
The mother's attorney had no comment. On the other hand, the baby claimed he'd received no compensation for his hushing in any form, especially not the promised mockingbird or diamond ring.
A hearing is set for this afternoon.
Blind Mice Charity a Scam
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Police arrested three kittens today in connection with a scheme to defraud New Never City residents out of their hard earned cheddar. The kittens asked residents to donate to The Blind Mice Foundation, claiming they were in fact, blind mice, when in truth, the kittens had only lost their mittens and feared their mother's reaction to the news. The Blind Mice Foundation raised nearly seven pounds of cheese before today's arrests. When asked for comment, one kitten declared, 'See, I told them we should run.'
Courts Cow-Towing to Cuteness?
By Ross D. Willard
Court Reporter New Never News
The gavel has banged, and the verdict is in, but even with as the defendant was led away in cuffs, the victims were questioning the impartiality of the judge.
Goldie Locks was found guilty of criminal trespass, theft, and vandalism after a jury deliberation of less than five minutes. The evidence, according to one juror, who wished to remain unnamed, was, in a word, overwhelming. “They had fingerprints, video from the nanny-cam, hell, she was still sound asleep when the police showed up, they don’t get more open and closed that that!”
But despite the guilty verdict, the 17 year old offender is going to be spending less than a week in jail.
“Fifty hours of community service!” Pa Bear could be heard to shout. “I got more than that for public urination!”
Indeed, the sentence does seem remarkably light, especially considering the video, which showed young Goldie stumbling around throughout the house, and even vomiting into Baby Bears toy chest. And the question of why testimony from partygoers regarding Goldie’s alleged drug usage and alcohol binging were barred have not been answered.
Ma Bear has her theories, “I’ll tell you what happened: She shook her little butt and batted her little eyes and suddenly she was just a mischievous little girl. It’s speciesism, that’s what it is, plain and simple. If one of us came crashing through a human’s front door and started digging through your pantry and snuggling down in your bed, we’d be put down!”
The sentiment was echoed by many of the local forest animals. Others stressed the need to lock their doors up tight.
Georgie Porgie Arrested for Sexual Assault
By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News
Long time New Never City resident, Georgie Porgie was arrested last night for sexual assault after he kissed a girl, made her cry, and then pulled down his pants and ran away when a group of boys came out to play.
Bail has been set at a puddin' and a pie.
Dwarfs Arrested After Overnight Brawl
By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News
After a violent brawl in Greenwitch Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and the short battle soon ensued.
Doc, Dopey and Sneezey White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness.
Rapunzel Busted for Possession of Fairy Dust
By j.a. kazimer
Celebrity Crime Beat
Famed bad girl, Rapunzel of the West Coast Rapunzels, was arrested last night on the Cin City strip for possession of a controlled substance when security personnel at the Hard Fairy Hotel discovered an ounce of white powder believed to be fairy dust in the socialite's purse.
Rapunzel denied the purse was hers, saying, "I borrowed it from a friend." When pressed for that 'friend's' name, she added, "What friend? That's my purse. Hey, what are you doing with my purse! Police! Police! Some one's stealing my evening bag!"
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