Courts Cow-Towing to Cuteness?
By Ross D. Willard
Court Reporter New Never News
The gavel has banged, and the verdict is in, but even with as the defendant was led away in cuffs, the victims were questioning the impartiality of the judge.
Goldie Locks was found guilty of criminal trespass, theft, and vandalism after a jury deliberation of less than five minutes. The evidence, according to one juror, who wished to remain unnamed, was, in a word, overwhelming. “They had fingerprints, video from the nanny-cam, hell, she was still sound asleep when the police showed up, they don’t get more open and closed that that!”
But despite the guilty verdict, the 17 year old offender is going to be spending less than a week in jail.
“Fifty hours of community service!” Pa Bear could be heard to shout. “I got more than that for public urination!”
Indeed, the sentence does seem remarkably light, especially considering the video, which showed young Goldie stumbling around throughout the house, and even vomiting into Baby Bears toy chest. And the question of why testimony from partygoers regarding Goldie’s alleged drug usage and alcohol binging were barred have not been answered.
Ma Bear has her theories, “I’ll tell you what happened: She shook her little butt and batted her little eyes and suddenly she was just a mischievous little girl. It’s speciesism, that’s what it is, plain and simple. If one of us came crashing through a human’s front door and started digging through your pantry and snuggling down in your bed, we’d be put down!”
The sentiment was echoed by many of the local forest animals. Others stressed the need to lock their doors up tight.