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Be On the Lookout For Two Fat Kids

By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News

Vandals Sought in Property Destruction Case

Local baking legend, Eve Ilwich, has put up a reward of five hundred dollars, or fifteen batches of her award winning gingersnaps for information leading to the capture of the two children responsible for consuming her patented, one of a kind, life size gingerbread house.

Miss Ilwich completed her famous house just last week and was storing it in a secret part of the woods in preparation for the grand unveiling this Friday. According to her affidavit, she snuck out to her secret spot, planning to do some touchups on the porch, only to find that a large portion of the house had been consumed by two interloping children. Both of the children were still on the premises when she arrived, and the baker made a citizen’s arrest, locking them up while awaiting the police.

Unfortunately, Eve made one slight miscalculation. “They ate right through the licorice bars and were off before I knew it!”

Due to her poor eyesight, Miss Ilwich was unable to come up with a usable description of the two. “They were fat. Really, really fat. I mean, come on, they ate like thirty pounds of gingerbread, and that isn’t even mentioning all the frosting and candy.”

Anyone with information on the two suspects should contact the police immediately. The police warn against approaching the suspects as, “anyone who can eat that much in one sitting probably wouldn’t hesitate to bite your head right off.”