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Local Animal Shelter Seeks Loving Homes. Adopter Beware!

By Ross D. Willard
Humanitarian & Pet Lover (Yew) New Never News

It’s getting close to Christmas, and, like every Christmas before, parents all over are asking themselves if this is the year to get their children that special gift that all children seem to want. A pet.

If you’re facing that decision, the local animal shelter on the corner of Never Road and Never Lane would like you to take a moment and consider swinging by and looking at their selection.

“A lot of people just don’t think about coming by here for a pet. They think that these animals are old, or used.” The manager of the shelter told us. “But there are a lot of advantages to picking up an animal here. For one thing, we’re a lot cheaper.”

That’s one point that even the local pet shops don’t contest. The twenty to fifty dollars that the animal shelter charges is less than a tenth of what local store owners insist on.

Not to mention, the animals at the shelter tend to be more grateful, at least, according to the ones we interviewed.

“Oh dear and holy Maker!” One booted cat howled at us as we passed by. “Get me out of here! I’ve already been in here for two days! If I’m not out by tomorrow, they’re going to kill me! They already took my balls! These people are Crazy!! I’ll do anything! Please! I’m begging you!”

More recently incarcerated residents were less vocal, but still clearly desperate.

“Let me start off by telling you, a lot of what they say about rats isn’t true,” insisted one of a trio of disabled mice. “I mean, they say we stink, right? Well, sure, the guys you meet who live in the sewers do: they live in the sewers! But us? We’re very clean. I mean, you know what they say about when you go blind all your other senses are enhanced, right? Well think about it! Would you go around stinking all day if you could smell yourself like that? Of course not!”

When asked about their second disability, their lack of tails, the three insisted that it was a misunderstanding at their last residence, and that they bear no ill will towards any human for what happened.