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Little Boy Blue Not So Little Or Blue

by j.a. kazimer
Health, New Never News

Doctors discovered a cure for teenage depression over the weekend~Growing up. That's right. 100% of teenagers who grew up reported almost no symptoms of teenage depression. Of course, at least 80% are miserable adults, but science can't fix everything.

Mirror Mirror Heads Back to Rehab

By j.a. kazimer
Entertainment, New Never News

After years of living life on the bathroom vanity, Mirror, Mirror On the Wall is once again headed back for treatment. The famed fixture claims his addiction stems from lifelong fear of disappointing the women in his life. "Do you know how hard it is to lie to women every day for years? Who's the fairest of them all? Not you, sugar. Your butts the size of Prince Charming's ego and your face resembles the ugly stepsister's baby picture."

Old Woman Arrested for Running a Brothel

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

An old woman from the Prada side of town was arrested last night during a raid by New Never City police. The arrest came after police discovered what appeared to be an illegal brothel being run out of the old woman's home. Police took numerous socks in for questioning.

Robbery Leaves Police Puzzled

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News

The Golden Goose, a priceless artifact, has been stolen from the Crown Jewelry Store. The robbery occurred last night sometime between midnight and three A.M. There was no damage, and nothing else was taken. Police are baffled as to how the perpetrator gained entrance to the store.

A feathered cap and what appears to be some manner of hairball were found by the glass case, but there was no other evidence left behind. If you have any information about this robbery, please contact the New Never City police tip line at 1-800-WHO-DNIT.

Leading Cause of Death ~ Whistling

by j.a. kazimer
Health, New Never News

According to the miners union, the leading cause of miner related death is whistling while you work. Most of the reported deaths occurred by 'accident' according to mining experts: Doc, Dopey, and Homicidal. Miner Mogul, Snow White could not be reached for comment.

Possible Black Widow Operating in New Never City

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New never News

Police believe a black widow may be stalking the wealthy men of New Never City. Readers may recall the death of famed local wrestler, John “The Beast” Breckner, six months ago. At that time, police felt his death was accidental, but new evidence has come to light that indicates cold-blooded murder.

In addition, a charming prince's untimely death four years ago in Cin City is now believed to be related, as a single red rose was found at both crime scenes.

Detective Nosy, cousin to the seven dwarfs, warns the men of New Never City to be on the lookout for Beauty aka Belle aka Bonita. She is considered enchanting and dangerous. Use caution when approaching her and do not propose! Report any sightings immediately.

King’s Men Unable to Save Falling Man

by Shannon Lawrence
Crime Beat, New Never News

The King Fire Department was called out to Nursery Rhyme Lane today, after reports were received of an obese, drunken man stumbling along on top of a tall stone wall lining the road. When they arrived, they found a group of children yelling “Humpty Dumpty sucks” and throwing rocks at him. He lost his balance and tumbled from the wall, breaking every bone in his body, save for the pinkie finger on his right hand. He was taken by ambulance to the King County Hospital, but the King’s men could not put Mr. Humpty together again. The children were taken into custody and police are considering charges.

There will be a sunny side up service this Friday at the King’s Horse Racetrack, where Mr. Humpty spent much of his time (and money), for all the good it did him.

Woman Expected to Arrive

by j.a. kazimer
Travel, New Never News

"Is that her?" they whisper in hushed voices.

Excited fans from all over New Never City wait for a brief glimpse of six white horses that will tell them of the arrival of the woman from the other side of the mountain. Hundreds have come out to greet her. When she comes.

Simple Simon Sought

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

Local pieman told police he was accosted by New Never City resident, Simple Simon while attending the local fare. Police believe Simon is unarmed and not that dangerous. If you see Simon, make sure you sez, hi!

Three Men Arrested

by j.a. kazimer
Lifestyles, New Never News

Do I really have to say it?

Fine *sigh*

Rub a dub, dub,
Three men were arrested yesterday for indecency,
in a tub.

Fundraiser for Sheep

by j.a. kazimer
New Never News

Little Bo Peep has organized a fundraiser for one of her sheep who's heroic battle with Alopecia resulted in a total lost of wool. Baa Baa is expected to recover with help from your donations of three bags full.

Rolling Men Blamed for Dog Obesity

by j.a. kazimer
Food New Never News

Community leaders are up in arms over the growing trend of dog obesity in New Never City. The problem is so widespread that dog owners have had to spread wide their front doors in order to let their dogs outside. Officials blame the problem on this old man who's favor mode of transportation is rolling home. Once there, he gives all the neighborhood dogs a bone.