Beast Dumps Beauty for Bridget

By j.a. kazimer
Dating New Never News


In a surprise move, longtime beau, Beast, has dumped his girlfriend of five years for a woman known only as Bridget. Sources close to the couple say the breakup was a longtime in coming.

The couple is best known for their elaborate breakups including a 2008 incident in which a teacup called Chip received several fractures. This latest breakup comes after FMZ reported Beauty's alleged affair with her Beauty & The Birkenstock co-star, Jack. The affair apparently stated after Jack saved Beauty from choking on a magic bean.

Beauty Beats Beast

By j.a. kazimer
Political Beat New Never News

Political insiders are astounded by today's election results as Beauty is declared the President of New Never City after defeating Beast in a landslide victor.

"You like me. You really, really like me," Beauty cried in her acceptance speech.

Beast couldn't be reached for comment, but his right-handed henchman demanded a recount. Voters will remember this campaign as one of the costliest and most negative elections in a land far, far away.