By j.a. kazimer
Pyrotechnic Beat New Never News
A freakish four alarm fire broke out overnight at the headquarters of the villain's union in Greenwitch Village costing the lives of two henchmen. The fire burned the first two floors, causing over twenty thousand dollars in damage. VP of Union Affairs, Miss Muffet stated, 'I just sat on my tuffet, eating my curds and whey, when along came a fire...'
Police suspect the fire started when a non-union employee jumped over a candlestick.
Lost Boy Found Dead
by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New never News
Peter Pan, founding member of the band The Lost Boys, Neverland's top grossing boy-band in the late 90's, was found dead in a New Never City hotel room.
Peter's on-again, off -again and often violent relationship with the artist known only as Tink has been well documented. However, in the last year or so, Peter underwent a spiritual transformation at the hands of guru, Smee. At the time of his death, friends say Peter was happy and newly engaged to a darling young lady named Wendy.
Police do suspect fairy play.
Crime Beat, New never News
Peter Pan, founding member of the band The Lost Boys, Neverland's top grossing boy-band in the late 90's, was found dead in a New Never City hotel room.
Peter's on-again, off -again and often violent relationship with the artist known only as Tink has been well documented. However, in the last year or so, Peter underwent a spiritual transformation at the hands of guru, Smee. At the time of his death, friends say Peter was happy and newly engaged to a darling young lady named Wendy.
Police do suspect fairy play.
Reporter Has Nervous Breakdown...Sort Of
From The Nervous Breakdown:
Imagine that Cinderella’s been murdered, distracted by a bluebird and run over by a truck in New Never City. Now imagine her stepsister calling on Rumpelstiltskin (stripped of his villainy as punishment for rage issues) to investigate. This is the premise of J.A. Kazimer’s Curses!: A F**cked Up Fairy Tale.
READ FULL INTERVIEW AT:
http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ggantz/2012/03/interview-with-j-a-kazimer-author-of-curses-a-fcked-up-fairy-tale/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=interview-with-j-a-kazimer-author-of-curses-a-fcked-up-fairy-tale
Imagine that Cinderella’s been murdered, distracted by a bluebird and run over by a truck in New Never City. Now imagine her stepsister calling on Rumpelstiltskin (stripped of his villainy as punishment for rage issues) to investigate. This is the premise of J.A. Kazimer’s Curses!: A F**cked Up Fairy Tale.
Cinderella’s stepsister Asia, believing her sister’s death to be a case of foul play, shows up at what she thinks is Sherlock Holmes’s door. Only, he hasn’t lived there for a while, not since RJ, as Rumpel prefers to be called, stuffed him into the chimney and took over the residence. Asia, much better-looking then the original story had led us to believe, convinces RJ to help, but really he’s just doing it in hopes that she’ll sleep with him.
As the two dig deeper into Cindi’s untimely death, everyone becomes suspect: Prince Charming; the butler; Dru, the second and not-so-pretty stepsister; even Asia.
Blending favorite fairy tale characters with today’s cultural references and sensibilities, Curses! flips the childhood staple on its head to create a wholly adult, and highly entertaining, reading experience.
READ FULL INTERVIEW AT:
http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ggantz/2012/03/interview-with-j-a-kazimer-author-of-curses-a-fcked-up-fairy-tale/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=interview-with-j-a-kazimer-author-of-curses-a-fcked-up-fairy-tale
Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D
Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D
by Shannon Lawrence
Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,
Girls cry when I kiss them. It’s so upsetting that I’ve become addicted to pie in order to self-medicate. Now, not only do I not have a girl, but my weight has ballooned. What can I do?
Georgie Porgie
Dear “Puddin’ N’ Pie” Georgie,
Invest in some mints and eat your vegetables.
The Wizard
Book Signing in Boulder CO
Come see New Never News reporter, j.a. kazimer, as she signs her New Never City celebrity tell-all at Barnes & Noble in Boulder, CO.
Signing starts at 11am on March 10.
Barnes & Noble Booksellers
2195 Pearl Street
Boulder, CO
March 10, 2012 - 11am
F***ed Up Events for March
Reporter j.a. kazimer will be at the following events signing copies of her celebrity tell-all CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE.
Booksigning with Cindi Myers & j.a. kazimer
March 3, 2012 - 3pm
Broadway Book Mall
200 S. Broadway
Denver 303-744-BOOK (2665)
Booksigning - MARCH 10, 2012
March 10 - 11AM
Barnes & Noble Bookstore
2915 Pearl St
Boulder, CO (303) 442-1665
Booksigning - MARCH 17, 2012
March 17 - 11AM
Barnes & Noble Bookstore
701 E. 120th Avenue
Thornton, CO 80233
720-872-2619
Booksigning - March 25, 2012
March 25 - 11AM
Barnes & Noble Bookstore
960 S Colorado Blvd
Glendale, CO 80246
303-691-2999
Left Coast Crime Conference - March 29 - April 1, 2012
FORENSICS - Forensics and Mysteries Go Hand in Hand
DP Lyle, MD, Jan Burke, Steve Scarborough, JA Kazimer, George Fong
SATURDAY March 31, 2012 - 1:30 PM
CURSES! Book Signing at Broadway Book Mall
Join me for a CURSES! Book Signing at the Broadway Book Mall!
When: March 3, 2012 - 3PM
Where: Broadway Book Mall, 200 S. Broadway, Denver CO
Free swag and CURSES Cookies for all.
And the best part, the fabulous Cindi Myers will also be signing her newest release, The Woman Who Loved Jesse James.
CURSES! Book Launch
If you are in the Denver, CO area, drop in for the CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE Book Launch Party at the Mercury Cafe (2199 California Street, Denver CO) tonight at 7pm.
Wear a tiara or your finest princely ware, eat some free snacks, drink some beers, and watch live entertainment as the finalist of the Incite Denver Contest embarrass themselves on stage for a chance to meet a NY agent.
Free giveaways and swag for all, plus I'm going to let you all EAT CAKE!!!!
February 29, 2012
Mercury Cafe, 7PM
New Never City Tell-All
Pick up a copy of New Never News reporter, j.a. kazimer's fairy tale tell-all, CURSES! A F***ED UP FAIRY TALE today!
* Learn who murdered Cinderella and why
* Find out which fairy tale prince is more tale than fairy
* Hear secrets only a villain would know about your favorite fairy tale celebrities
Buy CURSES at amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, or wherever books are sold.
Hundreds Mourn After Princess' Death
Hundreds Mourn After Princess' Death
by j.a. kazimer
Hundreds of mourners arrived at Grimm's Cemetery for the funeral of famed princess, Cinderella, who was struck down by the Fairy-Second Street Bus on Saturday. Her fiance, Prince Charming, appeared inconsolable and had to be helped from the graveside by a gaggle of extremely well dressed and good-looking young men.
The only relative not in attendance was Asia, Cinderella's estranged and ugly stepsister.
by j.a. kazimer
Hundreds of mourners arrived at Grimm's Cemetery for the funeral of famed princess, Cinderella, who was struck down by the Fairy-Second Street Bus on Saturday. Her fiance, Prince Charming, appeared inconsolable and had to be helped from the graveside by a gaggle of extremely well dressed and good-looking young men.
The only relative not in attendance was Asia, Cinderella's estranged and ugly stepsister.
STDs on the Rise
STDs on the Rise
by j.a. kazimer
Your Health, New Never News
The New Never City Health Department is concerned about the recent rise of STDs in the city. Officials report a rash of cases of facial warts among young, unmarried women. They believe the infections are a direct result of princess-on-frog contact.
Princesses looking for love are asked to practice safe sex.
If you are a princess or suspect that you've been exposed to a princess with frog breath, please seek immediate treatment at the local New Never City Health Clinic for a dose of Compound-W.
by j.a. kazimer
Your Health, New Never News
The New Never City Health Department is concerned about the recent rise of STDs in the city. Officials report a rash of cases of facial warts among young, unmarried women. They believe the infections are a direct result of princess-on-frog contact.
Princesses looking for love are asked to practice safe sex.
If you are a princess or suspect that you've been exposed to a princess with frog breath, please seek immediate treatment at the local New Never City Health Clinic for a dose of Compound-W.
New Never City's Top Villain Contest
by j.a. kazimer
Are you evil to the core? Does your own mother cringe when you call? If so, the Villainous Union wants you. You will travel to far and a way kingdoms, seeing the world one evil deed at a time, while unhelping others.
Join the Villainous Union and be as evil as you can be!
*Do-gooders need not apply.
Call 1-800-PRINCE-CHARMING-ASKED-FOR-IT to apply.
Are you evil to the core? Does your own mother cringe when you call? If so, the Villainous Union wants you. You will travel to far and a way kingdoms, seeing the world one evil deed at a time, while unhelping others.
Join the Villainous Union and be as evil as you can be!
*Do-gooders need not apply.
Call 1-800-PRINCE-CHARMING-ASKED-FOR-IT to apply.
Wedding Promises to be an Ugly Affair
Wedding of the Century Promises to be an Ugly Affair
by j.a. kazimer
Wedded Bliss, New Never News
The photographer for the upcoming nuptuals of Cinderella to Prince Charming has quit after taking the 'pre-wedding' family photograph, declaring, "Those ugly faces broke my camera."
The royal family had no comment, but did invest in a bundle of paper bags.
by j.a. kazimer
Wedded Bliss, New Never News
The photographer for the upcoming nuptuals of Cinderella to Prince Charming has quit after taking the 'pre-wedding' family photograph, declaring, "Those ugly faces broke my camera."
The royal family had no comment, but did invest in a bundle of paper bags.
An Interview with ME!
Chiseled in Rock Star, Janet Fogg, interviews little ole me for the ROCK today. I promise that after reading this, you will wonder two things... But I refuse to tell you what they are!
Chiseled in Rock: Chiseled Author j.a. kazimer is Interviewed!: By Janet Fogg We’ve been asked, so today we’re offering answers to questions such as: Chiseled Staff? Are they really that chiseled? Are th...
Chiseled in Rock: Chiseled Author j.a. kazimer is Interviewed!: By Janet Fogg We’ve been asked, so today we’re offering answers to questions such as: Chiseled Staff? Are they really that chiseled? Are th...
Me? Inappropriate? Really?
Apparently so, according to the the moral majority of the WESTMINSTER WINDOW (for those who aren't aware of this upstanding newspaper, you aren't alone. Hell, most of the residents in the small community of Westminster, Colorado don't know about it either) has declared my book, CURSES! A F***ed Up Fairy Tale (not that they've read it, but judging a book by the cover is always the best indicator of moral content) inappropriate for their readers. They are a family newspaper after all, or so the editor who canceled the interview claimed.
Now I'm not annoyed because I took a day off work to do this interview, with a very nice reporter named Ashley, nope, my anger comes from this newspaper's shallow view of their readership. So my book implies the F-Bomb in the title. Big deal. Paris Hilton had a sex tape. Miley Cyrus smokes pot (allegedly). I bet even Tim Tebow has dropped an f-bomb or two (or not).
Hell, I'm sure over 3/4 of Westminster residents are, if not very familiar at least acquainted with, the word FUCK. Those who aren't live in the Amish part of Westminster.
Win a ARC of CURSES!
Pay the Piper Today!
Pest Removal
by Shannon Lawrence
Have pests infiltrated your home? Can’t sit on a tuffet without a spider giving you a hard time? Talking mice judging your cooking? Sprites? Faeries? Creepy Crawlies?
Call the Pied Piper Exterminators! We’ll get rid of pests, both magical and mundane, for a song.
1-800-FLTUEIT
by Shannon Lawrence
Have pests infiltrated your home? Can’t sit on a tuffet without a spider giving you a hard time? Talking mice judging your cooking? Sprites? Faeries? Creepy Crawlies?
Call the Pied Piper Exterminators! We’ll get rid of pests, both magical and mundane, for a song.
1-800-FLTUEIT
Obituary for This Little Piggy
Obituary for This Little Piggy
By j.a. kazimer
Death Writer New Never News
A sad day for the Little Piggy Family as the eldest, and biggest piggy succumbed to salmonella poisoning after eating some tainted roast beef. This Little Piggy was best known for his skill at marketing. He will be missed.
In other news, The Butcher has a sale on pork chops. Buy one and get a second one, half price. Supplies are limited.
Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.
Ask the Wizard, O.Z. M.D.
by Shannon Lawrence
Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,
My wife and I have a problem. I find I’m unable to eat any fatty foods without becoming ill, while my wife needs fat to be able to digest her meals. We’ve seen multiple doctors who have all said no such ailments exist. Have you heard of anything like this? Is there anything we can do?
Jack Sprat
Dear “No Fat” Jack,
What’s the big deal? There are plenty of non-fat foods out there for you, and tons of fatty foods for your wife. Instead of obsessing over what you can’t eat, eat what you can and stop complaining.
The Wizard
by Shannon Lawrence
Dear Great and Powerful Wizard,
My wife and I have a problem. I find I’m unable to eat any fatty foods without becoming ill, while my wife needs fat to be able to digest her meals. We’ve seen multiple doctors who have all said no such ailments exist. Have you heard of anything like this? Is there anything we can do?
Jack Sprat
Dear “No Fat” Jack,
What’s the big deal? There are plenty of non-fat foods out there for you, and tons of fatty foods for your wife. Instead of obsessing over what you can’t eat, eat what you can and stop complaining.
The Wizard
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